What a waste.... Spectrum: To the man who has set me free:
I want to say that while I still love you, and I still talk to you, I know I have a part of me that is just SO angry with you. I just can't understand how you gave up on everything. You gave up on your job, you gave up on our marriage, you gave up on LIFE.... You gave up on *your* life, and you gave up on *our* life. And what is worse, you gave the part of our life that I wanted the most, missed the most, the part that you gave up on, the FUN part, to some stupid, naive, whore who didn't even know you like I know you... Someone who hadn't forgiven you for a hundred nasty comments, someone who had probably never given a second thought to having your children. And you can defend her all you want, but a woman who will sleep with a married man is nothing but a common whore. And you gave up our marriage for a few moments of stolen, pathetic, back-of-the-car sex.
You slept with me on Christmas morning, then spent two hours that night on the phone with her, telling her how you couldn't wait to be with her.
You lied to her, and you lied to me. You told her you would leave me. You told her you told your parents about her. You told her you would need a year to get things together financially before you could leave me.
You told me you wanted me. You told me you loved me. You told me you wanted to help me raise horses- that I should be a partner at my firm, and you could care for the horses during busy season. And when I went to bed you called her and spoke to her the way you used to speak to me. I know because I HEARD you.
Can't you see what you have done to me?? I'm a wreak. I'm fine for days, then I cry for hours at my desk, trying not to let them hear me in the next cube. I hate you, I love you. I miss you.... I don't really hate you, but I wish I did. I just know that I can't be with you anymore, I WON'T be with you anymore. You ask me to consider counseling, but why now?
To be with you now would mean killing my spirit. It would mean admitting that I deserved what you did, but no matter how bad things were, I DIDN'T deserve that. All I wanted was respect. All you wanted was for me to shut up and clean up your messes- after all, you were the one who came from money, right?
Every time I think of how much I love you, or some tender thing you did for me, I realize that you must have done it for her, too. Every wonderful memory I have is tainted by your pitiful revenge on my spirit.
You hated me for being strong. You hated me for never giving up on what I believed I could do. You hated me for being a self-made woman. And you had the power to belittle me behind my back. So you did.
Now you hate yourself, or so you say. How could I know? You tell the truth when you feel like it. Any other time it is hit or miss- whatever strikes your fancy.
All I can say is that when I'm with you, I know you aren't with her. And it kills me to think you might be with her. It kills me to think you might be talking to her, or even *thinking* about her. The one small comfort I have is that you are here, and she is a state away.
I can't live my life watching you every minute. And I can't spend my time wondering about you every minute.
So I'm going to say goodbye. I'll have my one last night with you, and then you will be gone forever.
Then someday I'm going to meet a man who will love me for my fire, and for my desire. There is a man somewhere who will revel in my intelligence, and is honest to the core... A man who I can worship, and will worship me back. And when we are together it will be glorious.
And that man will not be you.
I hope it was all worth it for a few moments of stolen, pathetic, back-of-the-car sex.
Spectrum.
Re:What a waste.... wolly1234: Good for you. sounds like you made a decision. I never understood cheating. You sound strong. Although we are all weak at times. Hope you can follow through. Skip Valentines day. Chat with us instead. Go out and party. Dance. Have fun. Flirt. Be alive. Be yourself and don't let anyone change you.
Re:What a waste.... brynne: That brought up so much emotion for me...our situations are very similar in that we both had no choice but to end our marriage b/c of our cheating husbands. I'm so glad there are women out there like me who realize that is the right decision, it was a hard decision but the ONLY one for me. I know the agony when he calls her from the other room & doesn't think you're listening...how can they do that in "our" home that we share together ??
:'(
We'll pull thru this...good luck !
