Confused about what to do or think Kestral: I am confused,angery, and sad in so many ways it's ridiculous! This is where I am now.
I have spent years it seems trying to communicate to him that I need him to stop putting me down for not living up to his standards of what IS and IS NOT appropriate. I'm not way off in left field concerning my behavior.
That I needed ......
him to stop physically cornering me into locations to yell at me.
him to stop making me feel guilty about not letting him have his way about any given thing.
him to quit making me out to be a pervert.
to spend some time alone by myself on any given day.
to not be controled.
the near harrassing phone calls to tone down.
my job to be respected as contributing.
him listen to me without running over everything I said.
the drama queen, woe is me, and my problem is worse than yours crap to stop when I tried to explain anything or not want to do something.
to have some more time for friends / family to hang out with sometimes.
him to stop intimidating me.
I have tried everything I could think of to get him to stop, but, no go, I'm the one who is the selfish and uncaring to ask for such things. I have tried placating, standing up for myself, and trying to make deals.
I warned him repeatedly that I was going to start hating him and want to leave. That didn't matter either until I finally said that I was seriously thinking of getting a divorce. THEN he wants to go to a marriage counselor! I went with him to the counselor for 6 weeks. It didn't go well as he drama queened his way though most of it. The day before we went he vehemently acted like I was being unreasonable. When we talk to the counselor, he is all heart broken and sorry for everything on the first day. Then back to vehemency again later. I now look back at it as a final attempt for him to "fix" me.
So now at present and not having seen a counselor in awhile, I want to leave. I am doing my damnest to not be vindicitive or anything like that. I want it to be as unbitter as possible. He has pleaded for more chances and tries to tell me how sorry he is, but I have always had a hard time believing him. That is until this last week or so.
I have never seen a man cry as hard as he was crying nor plead so much. It was violent crying. We talked about everthing we possibly could concerning the relationship. He was listening .... really listening and this is still going on. Says he will do just about anything to work it out. I let him know repeatedly that his chance is so close to zero that he may as well consider it zero. His behavior has improved emensely and I'm trying to find some tiny glimmer of hope to love him again and I just can't find it. I don't think it is there, but I feel I should at least search some so I don't regret it latter.
Somehow I feel guilty that I don't even love him. This is were my problem lies most of the time, I feel guilty when he accuses me of anything. Being selfish, you name it. Why do I feel guilty that he is so horribly sad? I am not entirely innocent either as I have had my share of mistakes in the relationship, but I feel I changed them when I was asked to. Now I feel like it's all my fault he is this way. I don't feel I should though because of how hard I tried to tell him and warn him of impending doom. I wasn't coy about telling him either. I'm pretty set on getting a divorce unless some miracle happens that I find that I do love him even a little. The behavior changes are great, but it's not making me love him. I am hoping it helps him though. He waited to the eleventh hour so I don't know what to do. I think he never really cared about how I felt 'til it effected how he felt.
This is causing me to go flopping from confused, sad, guilty, to angry cycle. Does it mean anything to anyone? It's driving me NUTSO and worse is that it's not helping the situation. I just totally grilled him not long ago! Now I'm back to sad or confused. ARRRRRGGGH
Kestral
Re: Confused about what to do or think WhiskeyGirl: Why is that so many people dont see what they have until its too late? its so sad, and it happens all the time.
It sounds like you did your best to save this relationship, you tried......and now its just too late.
I'm sorry, its sometimes harder being the one hurting someone else than it is to be the one who's hurt.
I understand the guilt....I still feel it sometimes for my ex and he has hurt me over and over through the yrs we were together....its just too late.
I don't know what to tell you, you can't force yourself to love someone again...if the feelings gone, its gone....you tried to tell him its was going and he didn't listen. Its sad but it happens.
Don't stress too much...I'm really sorry :(
Whiskey
Re: Confused about what to do or think SunnyFlower: Kestral~
Have you thought about the possibility of going to therapy alone for some visits to help you work out your thoughts and feelings? Maybe this can help you sort out everything that's in your head a little?
Try thinking about what drew you to him and why you even married him to begin with. Anything there...???? So many times (especially the longer the marriage) people in relationships forget why they fell in love and take each other for granted.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. :(
~Sunny
Re: Confused about what to do or think BigRunner493: [quote author=Kestral link=topic=20595.msg190821#msg190821 date=1129773877">
That didn't matter either until I finally said that I was seriously thinking of getting a divorce. THEN he wants to go to a marriage counselor! .....The day before we went he vehemently acted like I was being unreasonable. When we talk to the counselor, he is all heart broken and sorry for everything on the first day. Then back to vehemency again later. I now look back at it as a final attempt for him to "fix" me.
I have never seen a man cry as hard as he was crying nor plead so much. It was violent crying. ....Says he will do just about anything to work it out. .....His behavior has improved emensely and I'm trying to find some tiny glimmer of hope to love him again and I just can't find it.
.......
This is causing me to go flopping from confused, sad, guilty, to angry cycle. Does it mean anything to anyone? It's driving me NUTSO and worse is that it's not helping the situation. I just totally grilled him not long ago! Now I'm back to sad or confused. ARRRRRGGGH
Kestral
[/quote">
how many times have yall been back to this stage in your relationship? he pushes you to the edge then he backs off and wants to change? like SF said, what drew you to him in the first place? is it still there or have you not seen that person in a long time? are you happy with who you are when you're with him? i think i was never to my ex was disrespectful! i raised my voice 1 time in 13 years to my ex and i feel that no one should put up with that............make sure that you are willing do go through relapses of the same behavior from him until he finally gets control of it (if he ever does)...
tc,
br
Re: Confused about what to do or think twetifb: [quote"> I have never seen a man cry as hard as he was crying nor plead so much. It was violent crying. We talked about everthing we possibly could concerning the relationship. He was listening .... really listening and this is still going on. Says he will do just about anything to work it out.[/quote">
My stbx reacted this way when I told him I signed a lease and was really moving out the following week. It was one of the hardest nights of my life. He begged and clung to me like a baby would to a parent...it was heart wrenching. I had serious thoughts about not moving out after I saw how much I was hurting him but then I sat and thought about how much I was hurting inside. I couldn't allow myself to feel guilt about leaving him, I had to put myself first for the first time in five years. He'd pushed me to the edge so many times in the past that I knew this last time was the final straw...nobody should have to live their life walking on eggshells every day waiting for the next screaming fit to start. We tried counseling after I moved out but by that point I knew that I would never go back. If you want to talk about it some more...send me a pm...I've been where you are now.
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