online affair gsw: I feel like such a loser. I am losing my wife to a man she has never met in person.
I just found out my wife is having an affair. I feel a bit shifty about how I found it (saw an email that made me suspicious, checked IM logs on her computer later) but of course its not like she has the moral highground.
Anyway, in the logs, lots of cyber-sex, lots of refering to being with me until she could be financially independent or until i find out about this and end the marriage. If it was just sex, i'd call it a fantasy. But there are bits of the conversation like this:
<guy>you'd have been upset if he'd have just said 'It's over'....wouldn't you?
<wife>...i guess i would have been surprised by that...upset...? ...im not sure, really
<wife>...you dont want him to make it better...do you...?
So, i've found out...what do i do now? I talked to her today, to let her know that I could sense something was up (before i saw the logs) but that I wanted to work to fix it. she seemed to agree...but we weren't real close during the discussion, it was pretty unconfortable for her. No admission or even hint.
Do I talk to her again and let her know i found the logs? Do i go see a lawyer? I am so angry right now that I don't even want to try to save it. I can't imagine living like this even a week...i don't know what to do. sorry if this is too many questions not enough story.
Re: online affair SunnyFlower: Horace-
I think discovering that your spouse/partner has been dishonest or witholding the truth is definitely reason to feel angry/hurt/upset.
I always think honesty IS the best policy. I would tell her how you are feeling, and if she asks, how you found out.
The fact that she's seeking male companionship outside of the marriage is proof (in my opinion) that there was something lacking from the marriage before the affair began.
Maybe hold off on seeing a lawyer until you discuss all of this with her?
Sorry to see you in this position. Ojar is a great support system though, and we're here to listen.
Welcome.
~Sunny :)
Re: online affair dirk8: it always makes me feel uneasy when couples "spy" on each other. just dont do it again man. but i do suggest you tell her the whole truth and nothing but the truth. i have a feeling shes going to provide the rest of the story.
from the convo it sounds like she is using you. no one needs to be used.
Re: online affair Discarded: It should make you uneasy to "spy" on your spouse, but your spouse should also be forthright and honest with you. Sometimes there is no other way to get the answers you need. If you can't get the answers from your spouse and you honestly believe something is going on you should/need to know about spying may be the only way.
You "spy" on your children to protect them. You spy on your spouse to protect yourself, them, or your children. It is something that you should not feel comfortable doing. If it is something you are perfectly comfortable doing then you may have a problem
That being said in Hoarce's situation I can see the possibility of having to spy. I know, I've been there. My X planned on absconding with our children to another state so she could have multiple affairs with mutiple men at the same time. She wanted to drag our three children into the mess she wanted to happen. She wanted me to loose contact with our 3 children and them keep them from me. She wanted alot more things that I won't get into here, but you get the idea on what she wanted and all of this started with internet flings, cybersex, phone sex, that just kept progressing to the point she wanted to have multiple partners that all lived in that other state. It got so bad she was soliciting cyber and phone sex from who-ever she could get. It turned into a full fledged addiction. I could not get any answers as to what was going on, but I definately knew something was going on. Our marriage escelated down the tubes like it was in freefall for about 6 months.
I did figure this out over the months post divorce. She got addicted to a fantasy life. It started out very simple and innocent, but the more she played into that fire the bigger it got. It consumed more and more of her time and energy. Eventually it got to the point that it used up the entire time I was at work, but she still needed more/wanted more so then it started eating into the energy and time that I was home. At the end absolutely no time or energy went into me or our 3 children it was all consumed by this fantasy life. It was so bad that it was a huge inconvience to make the youngest a PBJ sandwich for lunch, so much so that he started going over to neighbors to eat!
I found so much of this information by spying. Did I spy for control of my X? Did I spy for any bad reasons? I spied on her to protect myself and to find out what was going on. She would not talk to me, she would not tell me the truth. I had no idea that she "hated me". In this fantasy life she was living she absolutely hated me and I was made out to be the worst sort of individual that had ever walked upon this world. In her eyes I had to be so she and the men she talked to would have so much to talk about. The man of the hour would be her shining knight rescuing the poor princess. After awhile she started believing it. I spied to protect myself, I had no idea it would end up protecting my children.
My story is similiar to yours horace. My X was having multiple online affairs that turned into multiple real affairs. She was living in a completely fantasy life online that was spilling into real life for her. My children suffered alot because I was oblivious to it. She kept it well hidden, doing most all of it while I was at work, until that just wasn't enough time. Don't feel guilty for checking her IM logs. I think by reading what you wrote that doing that type of checking is not normal behaviour for you. You checked because you knew something was wrong.
Are there children involved? I ask because I would give different advice if there are children involved.
If there are children involved I would increase the spying without saying anything. I would for protection of them until I knew what all was going on.
If there are no children involved I would spy a bit more without her knowledge and then have a sit down talk with her and let her know that you know what she has been doing on the computer. I wouldn't tell her what all you know or don't know, just that you know. Talk to her about reconciling the marriage and fixing the problems or seperation.
I know how hard this is and I am really sorry you have to go through it. Alot of people don't think that online cheating is like real cheating. Kind of like the Clinton thing "Oral sex isn't sex". Online cheating is just as devastating at real cheating. It still involves all the same attributes, Cheating, lying, and lack of involvment in the relationship.
I disagree with SunnyFlower that because she is seeking male companionship outside the marriage that there was something lacking in the marriage before the affair began. That can be the case, but it definately can not be the case. It can also be that there was something lacking within the cheater - not their spouse or the relationship.
Discarded
Re: online affair kirkmail: my sister-in-law was doing the same thing... and her husband knew about it. She didn't think anything was wrong with it... at all. I thought it was wierd and a bit stupid. ...But that event didn't destroy their marriage... they have other problems (that are very clear). The online stuff was just a symptom.
I say, ignore the online stuff, (let her express herself) unless she is planning on meeting this other person. Fix the other crap that might be causing it. If you can.
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