Big Problems, already Jernigan: Here we go. I just can't believe this. 2 or 3 weeks of relative tranquility and then---wham! My wife is going through the stressful process of applying to PHd programs and was rejected from one of the top schools in the country yesterday. I was out of town at work---starting to get a cold, operating on 3 hours sleep and upset for my own reasons. When I got home and received her message of bad news---after a 14 hour day---I called immediately to offer my help. I knew she'd be upset. See? I'm already portraying myself in "favorable terms," but I *was* genuinely concerned.
The thing was, she didn't seem to be nearly upset as I expected. "It's not that big a deal," she told me. Naturally, she was more concerned about getting into other programs, and I told her I knew that wouldn't be a problem, which I sincerely believed. Then I said a few things which she perceived to be unhelpful. She told me an associate had only got into 1 program after applying to several, and then I said, "Well, that's a hard program to get into." Which she perceived as "good for that girl!" rather than "boy, this process is tough," which is what I meant. No amount of rhetorical backpedalling would convince her it was the latter and not the former I meant. Though that's exactly what I meant all along.
Here comes the doosie---I was upset for my reasons, but told her repeatedly I didn't want to talk about it; it was trivial and stupid and nothing compared to hers. She begged me, several times, and wouldn't let it go. I was hesitant---didn't even want to---but she insisted. Then I told her. I was p-o'ed about some site where students rate their professors---mostly po'ed because they rate you on your looks! And they'd said some pretty malicious things about me. Silly, I know, but it did upset me a bit. And the more I spoke about it, the more irate I became. Which I knew would happen, and why I didn't want to talk about it.
The conversation seemed to go okay, but lo and behold, I wake up this morning to my wife screaming in the answering machine. I answer, and she tells me to read the emails she wrote, which pretty much express that I didn't care about her predicament, that I was snappy on the phone the prior night, that I cared only about myself, and now she felt like an "unlovable piece of s***." She also wrote," We should cease communication immediately or go into counselling ASAP."
We spoke about it briefly---though she was extremely irate; she was upset that I cared what some 18-21 year olds thought of me. Keep in mind, yes, I was a little upset by that site---which I believe is ethically wrong, but I really did feel it was trivial compared to her concerns. In other words, my wife is once again perceiving me as this careless, hurtful person based incapable of empathy. I understand why she'd upset, but not why she's making these conclusions. I mean, she did tell me that "she was okay" and insisted on hearing about *my* problems. Now she tells me she didn't realize how upset she was about the PHD thing and I probably should have pursued the subject further that night to bring out what she was really feeling.
I want to help this woman...not harm her. And I do genuinly care---I called right away and wanted to talk about it---but there you go...we're to have a long conversation tonight about this. The first obstacle in many, I'm sure.
Re:Big Problems, already EZ: Jernigan,
do you realy see this as an obstacle?
it sounds as though you both are working on communication
one thing..... you have every right to have your own feeelings and emotions .... just as she does ..... and thats what friends are for, to listen and help and lend a shoulder or a hand .
yall really sound to be on the right track, just dont give up and dont invalidate each others feelings
communication between friends is and should be a 2 way street.
peace and love always
Re:Big Problems, already Brian75034: Yes, go to counseling. You two obviously have communication problems.
Maybe you should let her read exactly what you wrote on here.
Re:Big Problems, already JimB: [quote">
Now she tells me she didn't realize how upset she was about the PHD thing and I probably should have pursued the subject further that night to bring out what she was really feeling.
[/quote">
Good Lord. So it is apparently part of your role as a husband to read her mind, understand her feelings better than she herself does, and act accordingly. She's not describing a husband - she's describing a shrink.
Let me enthusiastically second the emotion that you guys DO need to get into counseling immediately. You'll learn so much about what you yourself can and can't do, and it never hurts to hear a professional agree with my opinion that anyone who expects you to read their mind is in need of a reality check.
