Feeling guilty Eyelo: Being new to this site and reading over many of the posts, it seems that most of the folks here have been wronged by a cheating, no-good, abusive etc. type spouse. In a way, I think making the decision to divorce in these circumstances makes things easier. When there is blame to be handed out things are more black and white for the demise of the marriage. It always takes two to tango, but someone who has been so blatantly hurt can take charge of their situation and change things for the better. I know it is MUCH easier said than done but remembering the hurt can be a powerful motivator for change.
Where does my situation fit in?
My wife is a good person. She has not cheated on me as far as I know. She is responsible with the household and finances. But I am still thinking about a divorce. And I feel guilty.
There is no passion. There countless fundamental differences about what we want our lives to be. She has three kids from a previous marriage that I have no bond too. And I feel guilty.
She is several years older than I am and we have virtually nothing in common. We have tried to find things to do together but never really follow through. We cohabitate. And I feel guilty.
I want to have kids of my own and she can no longer have any. I knew this going into the marriage. And I feel guilty.
I feel like my life is speeding by me so fast and every day I feel more regretful about some of the decisions that I have made. I am 34 going on 64. I feel flat, passionless, like I am suffocating. And you guessed it – I feel guilty.
In some ways I wish she would wrong me in some terrible way. It might make it easier to see light at the end of the tunnel.
If you were to ask her about our marriage I think she might say something to the effect of:
‘Things are not always the best but we plod along in spite of the differences’
If I decide seek a divorce will she be hurt…in a word yes. Will I? Yes…And I feel guilty.
Nothing is terribly wrong but nothing is remotely right either.
Any ideas?
eyelo
Re:Feeling guilty vetlady: I assume since you did marry that there was passion and excitement in the beginning of your relationship? How long have you been married?
Ruts are very bad, especially if neither partner has the courage to step up and say something is wrong with the relationship. I think you're at the point when you realize a change has to come. I would suggest sharing your feelings with your wife, brutal honesty. It may hurt her in the short term to know you're thinking of leaving, but staying around longer will only tempt you to look outside the marriage for passion which is unforgivable in my opinion.
Counselling is also an option. Please, please, please explore your options and COMMUNICATE with your wife. My own situation is one in which neither of us stepped up and my STBX went searching outside of the marriage. It's broken beyond repair which is sad because I think it could have been salvaged had we sat down and discussed things. Hope this helps.
L
Re:Feeling guilty Eyelo: I have gone to counseling …We have gone to counseling…I have communicated my feeling up to the point about leaving.
Things change for a while then it goes back to the same.
Things seem so gray and dull.
Re:Feeling guilty allovertheplace: i guess the question is "what is right for you?" what are the reasons that you got married in the first place and do those reasons still exist? could they ever exist again.
it is not easy to be the one who leaves, esp. when there is no REAL harm done (as in cheating, abuse, etc.). but i think that you have to decide what is right for you and best for the both of you in the long run.
i was a firm believer in sticking things out until the bitter end. and i stuck through all kinds of things, but when the drama lessened and there was less fighting, i suddenly realized that things were not how they should be even when they were "good." so, it was in a time in my relationship when things were going "smoothly" that i realized that things were never going to get any better. granted we had many problems that i knew would continue to be problems and i knew that i was the only one working on them.
as long as you are both willing to work on the marriage there is hope. hold on to that. take some time to really evaluate your situation. go to counseling on your own and see if that doesn't help you answer some of your questions. it seems my counselor always knows the right questions to ask in order to help me figure things out.
guilt is a natural emotion that comes when you know you might hurt someone. but you cannot base a relationship on guilt and fear. if you are doing that, then you are not being fair to your spouse or yourself.
allovertheplace
Re:Feeling guilty JimB: I strongly recommend getting yourself into some individual counseling. This is probably not a news flash for you, but you sound depressed. If you've already done individual counseling and it didn't help, try a different counselor. Get medication if you have to.
I remember going through the same thing. The whole world just took on this gray tone. I can tell you that it's very easy to single out the most important thing in your life and find fault with it at times like this. Your marriage may be contributing to your unhappiness, but it's probably not the cause. Don't do anything rash until you've gotten yourself some help.
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