A different kind of hangover Spectrum: I feel like crawling in a hole and dying right now. I'm tired, and stressed. Whenever I have a long talk with the STBX, I get this nasty effect about 48 hours later. I'm going to call it the STBX hangover. Worse than any other hangover- at least those can be cured with gatorade, ibuprofin and some greasy food.
The worst part about the STBX hangover is at night- I don't dream, I just tense anxiously in my sleep. And if I wake up during the night for any reason, my heart pounds and I feel this sort of panicked feeling, and I can't get back to sleep. Then I just drift in and out of sleep, startling myself awake periodically. And if I *do* dream during the period after waking up and drifting back to sleep, it is always some bizarre, horrible dream where my STBX is sneaking out of the room (or town) to see and/or talk to his other woman, while I beg him not to.
Some days I feel *so* together... Other days I feel torn apart. I'm a mess.
The obvious answer is to just stop talking to the STBX. But how will that effect me in the long run? Am I better off talking to him, and feeling like a crazy person, or not talking to him?
Is it really worth it to suffer through this for an additional five or ten grand? I could end this tomorrow by just lowballing myself through this settlement process.
This is my busy season at work, and I'm supposed to be working 55-60 hours per week. I can't work if I can't sleep. I can't sleep if I can't wake up without having panic attacks. I can't avoid panic attacks without avoiding the STBX. I can't avoid the STBX and work out a settlement I'll be satisfied with.
*sigh*
I wish I could just go back to bed, and have this all just melt away....
Spectrum.
Re:A different kind of hangover bit pusher: Sounds familiar ... I've not yet figured out a fix, but I'll see if a combo of counseling and drugs will fix it. The anxiety, the midnight wakeups, heart pounding, unable to get back to sleep, wandering around the next day like a zombie.
Thing is, mine kicked in after the divorce finalized, nine months after the split ... and is not triggered by any contact with my Ex, since there is none.
I'll let you know how cognative therapy works for me ... but I've gotta do something and it isn't working to do it alone.
Hang in there.
Edit: oh yeah, four stout beers and two double scotches will bring uninterrupted sleep ... not exactly healthy, but I've resorted to that several times in the last little while.
Re:A different kind of hangover Safetykc: I hear you Spec,
I was in the same exact boat at the busiest time at my work too. Couldn't focus...maybe the X working there had something to do with it.
Hang in there though.
I went the "lowball route" and cost myself that extra 10 grand just to be done as fast as possible. Was seperated and divorced in 2 1/2 months, uncontested.
Now that enough time has gone by and I am calmer about things I wish I had done them differently. I accept they weren't and they were right for me at the time, but they were pretty lopsided. I just wanted it over and the dealing with her to be over because of the same things you are going through.
I don't have the answers, but as others have mentioned. Therapy and medication and finding friends to talk to about some of this, or even reading and posting out here can help.
But nothing but time will help and for some, not even that. It's a hard road and I am so sorry you have to walk it with us.
Big HUGS!
Safety
Re:A different kind of hangover Spectrum: I'm definitely seeing a pattern with these STBX hangovers.
First I have the problems I listed above. Then after a couple days I start to get angry, and this is when I have a strong temptation to do something stupid, like sending a nasty and/or revealing email to the Other Woman. I want to make her feel as bad as I feel, and I want him to feel worse.
If I can suffer through it another couple of hours, or days, or however long it takes, I know I'll have some important epiphany about this whole mess, and I'll feel immediately better. At least, that is how it has been happening over the last few episodes.
I'm a chronic self-punisher when it comes to relationships. so most of my past "lightbulb" moments have related to that. One week I realized that if I answer "yes" to all the horrible questions I would ask myself about my STBX and his OW, then I don't need to ask myself anymore. Did they do this together? Did they do that together? Did he feel this way about her? YES. Okay, now I can move on to something else.
Another time I was agonizing about how all my memories of him are ruined, because every time I think of something good, I think of him doing it or sharing it with HER. That was when I started the thread about the good part of getting divorced- it reminded me of the fact that my life isn't over at 25- I have an entire lifetime to build new, better memories and leave these tainted ones behind.
I think I already feel the fog lifting a bit... Just knowing that I *can* get through this, and believing that I will is a huge boost.
On a different subject.....
How bad is it really to declare psychological warfare on the OW? Should I even care if she calls the STBX and whines to him afterwards? Sure, it would result in a nasty phone call at work, but wouldn't I feel just a bit better if I knew that she was feeling as crappy as I am? I have the power, AND the technology.... Hmm, very tempting.
Spectrum.
Re:A different kind of hangover Buggs: Spectrum,
resist the temptation is my advice. I understand what you want to achieve but it will just keep your mind still looped in. Try to move forward with your enegry , the thought of you taking steps to get your life on track and actually showing that you've moved on will sure to prove to yor ex that you are the better person.
I know its rough and you feel like you've been dealt the short end of the deal, just hang in there and focus on making yourself feel good as opposed to others feel bad.(Iknow your dying to use that wiffle bat of yours!)
Buggs
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