The first few months bushy: I have not written in for a while, but it has been three months now since she left (or a shade under). I have not spoken to her now for about one month (I have tried to take the advice of some of you people on that one - as it was upsetting me to speak to her in her current "other man" mode) - which is the longest time I have not spoken to her in 10 years.
Anyway, I am sitting here in my office and its kind of hit me how "weird" my life now is - for a month I have been on autopilot, busy at work and seemingly unaffected by my situation. I have not cried, I have not felt too emotional, which is in total contrast to the first month or so after the split. But now, here in my office, I realise it is all still there - but I'm just sitting on it all now. Its like trying to get in a door that someone has locked you out of - for the first few months, I tried and struggled and expressed my upset and dissatisfaction at not being able to get through - I banged and kicked and screamed and cried. Its like now I realise (almost subconciously) that that don't work - that the kicking and screaming and fighting just doesnt work (it doesnt get me through the door anyway) and makes me tired. So, I have kind of just sat down by the door and accepted I can't go through it - I can't have what I want - and that makes me sad - but the sadness is now something I live with and walk around with - but can "cope" with having it inside me now. But will I carry it forever, that "sad" feeling? - anyone know what I mean? Anyone had that? - just like a black cloud of doom walking around with you that no longer makes you cry and get "overemotional" but still inhibits you by being there. Its like bullies at school that won't leave you alone - you can ignore them once you have adapted to the initial shock - but they are still "there" and their presence must have some kind of effect on day to day life.
In essence, I don't like my life at the moment - and that in itself is a real problem for me. Yes, I can get on with my day to day life without displaying too much grief - but I am not enjoying it at all - I have not felt any joy/true happiness for months now. You know, I spoke to my Grandpa the other night. He lost me Grandma three years ago. He told me that since she died he had not felt any true happiness but had simply "learned to cope/be content with the feeling of sadness and loss that he has with him." I am scared that that's all my life is gonna be about now - settling for this kind of Zomby life - where I "cope with" and "tolerate" feelings that have overridden any happiness I ever felt before.
My apologies for the morbidity of this message - I am feeling strangely black today. If you can visualise one of those hideously shaped black silhouettes of an old tree in the night sky in your typical horror movie - thats how I feel.
Bushman
Re:The first few months andyman8007: i know people always say "it will take time". i found that memories were the hardest thing to fight. i feel like there is a hole in my soul. i find talking with other people in the same situation helps. just keep hope that tommorow will bring you something to be happy about. don't be afraid to cry.
Re:The first few months lightwaveryder: I am right there with you. I am trying to learn to cope.
get by. fake it. get through to another sunrise.
i have some small inspiration to share, maybe it will lighten
the load a bit. a good friend of mine had his wife leave him and their newborn for another man. he has adjusted his life, he is doing better professionally, personally and familial- ly, than he was doing before she left. He also is enjoying his 'hobby' time more now than he has since times before he even met her.
its an inspiration to me, in my situation, maybe it can be to yours as well. this happened a little over a year and a half ago, but he was bouncing back within a couple of months. he is happier now.
~lightwaveryder~
Re:The first few months JimB: In my experience -
That sadness does stay with you. It reminds you that you've lost something that was important to you. But it does fade, as you begin to add other important things back into your life.
Conventional wisdom has it that divorce is kind of like a death, and I think the similarities come from the mourning process. If a person who had been a huge part of your life for x number of years were to die suddenly, the loss would stay with you for a long time. But you wouldn't have it any other way - if you didn't feel the loss so deeply, it would mean your life experience with the other person wasn't as meaningful.
Right now, you're kind of in that limbo time when you've learned to cope with the harshness of the pain, but haven't yet reached a point when you're ready to start truly building your new life. It's a frustrating time. If you're looking for something constructive to do, start exploring your personal goals and dreams for your life. Eventually you'll find something that will give you direction and pull you out of limbo.
Good luck. It does get better.
The first few months ChristyM: I felt that way at first (4 months ago) but it has gotten better. I've been reading this great book (which I'm going to post about in another thread) and it says "Our relationship with another goes on and on and on. Even if we never see that person again, we have a relationship with them. And the nature of that relationship affects the days and times of our lives in a very real way." This is so true. I've started to not look at my divorce as a step back but a step forward. I don't ever want to look back at this time in my life and say "what a waste that I didn't enjoy even the smallest blessings in my life". When I start to get in a funk I try and remind myself that my life WILL get better - I've heard too many post-divorce stories to believe otherwise. It used to be that no matter what I was doing I was constantly thinking of the x but I've realized that I think of him less and less (at least with those sad feelings). I am starting to really enjoy doing things and not just staying at home and sleeping. It will get better and I don't think you will always walk around with a cloud and rain above you like Eyore. I think we'll look back at our first relationships with nostalgia and sadness but we'll also be able to admit how our lives are different, but in many ways better.
Christy
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