Some Mitch Hedburg jokes... PiscesGoddess: Since we've been bringing these up in the pet peeves thread I thought I would post some here ..
Quotes from the late great Mitch Hedburg-
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?" ~Mitch Hedburg
"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera..." ~Mitch Hedburg
"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty." ~Mitch Hedburg
"I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top." ~Mitch Hedburg
"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "Fu#k it. Cut em up."" ~Mitch Heburg
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."" ~Mitch Hedburg
"I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question." ~Mitch Hedburg
"In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world." ~Mitch Hedburg
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right." ~Mitch Hedburg
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit." ~Mitch Hedburg
Go get the dvd..guaranteed to make just about anyone laugh :D
Re: Some Mitch Hedburg jokes... lilly10: PiscesGoddess,
Thanks for posting these I am sitting here cracking up right now! :D
Re: Some Mitch Hedburg jokes... PiscesGoddess: ;D I crack up every time even if Ive heard em 100X.. you should see the way he delivers the jokes.. I read through them and hear his routine in my head.. I dont know if you ever saw him but he told all these jokes like a stoner dude..just freakin brilliant.. although rumor has it he was ACTUALLY stoned most of the time :P
Glad I could help make you laugh!!
Re: Some Mitch Hedburg jokes... manda: Oh, great! These were funny. I never got to see his entire show.
Thanks for posting them, PG.
