Re: (sorry so long) okay guys, i really need a shoulder and some good advice turboss: hey darlin', they want to make the relationship to seem "bad and horrible" because they are wanting to justify their decision, they WANT to believe it themselves. When they know it is not the case, they will blame everything on you and be mad at you and turn everything that happened into your fault. And what are we doing? Uplifting them, putting them on a pedestal, why? Because we want our relationship to still work, we don't want to see it dirty and bad, because WE know the TRUTH...and the truth is: ''that they are NOT justified and never will be and they are just making themselves look dumber by trying to convince everyone of that.'' I am not going to say everything is going to be okay, b/c I am NOT there yet...I still want my ex back and I know that it can work out, but I can't do it alone, so I will focus on myself right now and my baby and pray and post and pray and post....and talk to these wonderful people...cause they are AMAZINE CREATURES SENT BY GOD TO BE OUR BACKBONE WHEN WE DON'T HAVE ONE....
turboss
Re: (sorry so long) okay guys, i really need a shoulder and some good advice flowersdirtandgardengirl: everyone,
thank you so much for your words of advice and support, etc. when i first came to ojar i felt so much stronger than i have felt over the last few weeks it seems and i didn't reach out as much as perhaps i should have. now i really do understand how vital a place this is to me. people here "get it" more even than some of my most precious amazing friends and family members who have simply been lucky enough to have never endured a breakup like these. i felt like i was crazy, the only person out there feelign this way and perhaps no one else would ever "really" understand.
you guys do. thanks for being there. :)
~GG
Re: (sorry so long) okay guys, i really need a shoulder and some good advice Dharma Bum: Flowers, here are my 2 cents, FWIW:
Take things you "hear" with a BIG grain of salt. There is way too much psychology to trust anything, even yourself, when you're going through something like this. Remember the telephone game when you were a kid? Add a bunch of emotion to it and you have a recipe for disaster. Plus, when a relationship bites the dust everyone involved gets a different perspective on it. To make matters easier on himself, he's going to say a lot of things about it for justification and righteousness, but it doesn't mean anything. You have your memories from your relationship. Some are good and some are bad. You were there, so you know the truth, regardless of what his present recollection of things may be. Appreciate the good memories, come to grips with the bad, and take it all in stride.
Secondly, keep things in perspective (really tough to do. My wife started f'ing and living with a guy the week I moved out. A guy she knew for 6 weeks. This is a couple months after telling me she had to have a divorce because she is a lesbian. So I understand ALL about conflicted feelings and the difficulty of not taking post-breakup stuff personally!). Remember, everything he is doing now is about him and has nothing to do with you. If he wants to ruin his life with this woman, it's his choice and just be thankful that you aren't still attached to him to share in the misery. It's impossible not to feel replaced by this woman, but trust me, there are better fish in the sea who will appreciate you more than your ex ever did. Try to maintain as little contact with him and about him as possible and get to work on yourself. The next guy in your life will make you forget all about what's-his-name. He's not doing himself any favors by acting like a child. You're obviously in a much better mental and emotional state. He's numbing himself to what has happened and it'll haunt him. Feel the pain, "lean into the points" and you'll come out MUCH stronger for it. Peace.
Re: (sorry so long) okay guys, i really need a shoulder and some good advice flowersdirtandgardengirl: Dharma,
Your "two cents" = about $20, in my book. I am coming to grips with "knowing" something intellectually and feeling it emotionally. Hearing all the crap from the social circles is just that--crap. It sucks, becuase often it requires pulling away from them, too. As if losing your love with one person wasn't enough, you've got to go and break up with the whole lot of them. But you are so wise and so right about the wildfire of talk, it can engulf you completely.
And his choices with both of those, erm, women (calling them women gives them a level of maturity I hesitate allow for, but I digress) is about him and only him and I know this, now. I couldn't see it a few days ago. It felt raw and somehow all about me. But then I realized the folly of that too, assuming that he is still making choices that somehow involve me. Which is sad and funny. He had stopped doing that so long ago, why would he start now? ;)
I have decided to let go of that circle of friends for the time being, hard and sad as that may be. What I was once looking at as a social outlet I'm starting to reconsider as a social cess pool. As individuals they may be great, as a group, they function like jackals.
And besides, beauty is really hard to keep when you are drinking your way to next year and digesting the enamel off your teeth. Hate to be petty, but there it is. :)
Cheers,
GG
