Wish I can just shut off the emotion valve in me, why is this so hard? Wolfman: Present day:
My heart is torn to pieces i'm 28 male bachelor (divorced ofcourse), I cry almost every night if not every other night, I experience the utmost lonelyness every second of the day, not a day goes by without thinking about this woman i should be loving or should be hating, I think I do both, but the hating part more often.. My life is a complete mess, and i let myself into this situation, inside it's a war zone that I never thought can possibly exist, guess happiness is truly hard to come by.. I need a shoulder to cry on i guess..
well here's what happened
It was '01 around oct, she started seeing me, we had sex every now and then, like once a month because she couldn't get out much cuz she had strict parents
at the time i was like 24, and she was 17.
anyways try to make this long story into a summary, we broke up in '01 (we were just seeing each other but she calls it dating) because her dad wanted her to marry someone wealthy.. I said i couldn't see her anymore because i didn't want to get into a family like that, with a dad like who didn't appreciate me...so i broke it off. Four months later her entire family comes knocking on my door "demanding" me to get married with this gurl..
At first i was like wtf? why are they demanding? then her mom and dad said she is 4 mnths pregnant with "my" kid. I was like shit! At first my instincts was telling me no way man, don't fricken marry her, but then one part of me told me i should marry her because of the child, So we got married.
8 months later she tells, confesses me to that the baby isn't mine, and it was some guy at work she's been having sex with. I was devistated. I don't know what part of me found a way to forgive her for it but i did. Then soon after I forgave her she slowly started to go crazy, she would start to hit me because she would "think" or have this paranoia that I am lusting at other girls. Anyways it got so bad were she would yell at the top of her lungs curse, swear at me to the point where it didn't matter where it was, a public place, home, grocery store just as long as it was a "huge" scene, a few times i let it get to me out of pure frustration, so i ended up slapping or hitting her (which i remorsed later on). I believe that she has provoked it every time, I got caught up in the moment.
Soon after I had asked for some space from her, so I dropped her off at her siblings house. To make a long story short, I caught her up with lies after lies this one night, and ultimately caught her staying with a man all night long. That early terror morning I had I separated from her telling her I wanted a divorce. Soon after like a few months later she finds a way to tell me that she's pregnant this time with my kid. Ofcourse I didn't believe her.
But after the baby was born i found out I had a son.
She swears up and down to this day that she hasn't done anything with that guy. Today she swears she is innocent of all adultry and cheating on me. My son is almost two years now, and I dunno but I am seeing him, but she is always there, and my feelings get hurt when I see her.
I've haven't been with anyone ever since our breakup in '03, and now she's had sex with me like a few times, and yea the sex was great but I felt very guilty that i've had sex with her again with the same whatever she is.
So here I am this day, grieving at a loss which i should be rejoicing? having visitations with my son at the cost of my feelings getting hurt? not finding anyone...Facing lonelyness post marriage life....
Re: Wish I can just shut off the emotion valve in me, why is this so hard? jadedangel: [color=navy"> Wolfman ..
Wow ... that is quite a story .. full of drama. In answer to your question -- you can't just shut it off -- it seems to have to be turned slowly. It's hard because you had your heart in it --and a child it seems. It sounds like you were only trying to do the right thing and each and every time it kept blowing up in your face.
Even if you 'should be rejoicing' .... and you know it is better for you in the long run ---it doesn't make a relationship and it's memories just go away. It is lonely --- but don't trap yourself in a dark cave and never come out -- that will never remedy it. If you need to cry ... cry --- I don't care if you are a man. You have to let your emotions come out and it seems like there is alot to come out. Your entire life isn't a mess --- you have visitation to your son .. right ... what about your job? It just feels like it --- believe me .. I have said it before and sometimes it takes stepping back and looking at it from a different perspective to realize it.
Welcome to the boards ..... keep posting we are listening --- and we are always around if you need to talk. Hang in there ... [/color">
Re: Wish I can just shut off the emotion valve in me, why is this so hard? Wolfman: Thanks JadeAngel,
yeah i work now, but i've been unemployed in the past for some time... I have a son to think about, I do have my heart in this which is why it's so much more harder.. I know i'm in the cave, but man, will someone hand me the batmobile so i can push the turbo button and get out? It isn't being easy being me..
Re: Wish I can just shut off the emotion valve in me, why is this so hard? jadedangel: [quote author=Wolfman link=topic=21049.msg196750#msg196750 date=1130692258">
Thanks JadeAngel,
yeah i work now, but i've been unemployed in the past for some time... I have a son to think about, I do have my heart in this which is why it's so much more harder.. I know i'm in the cave, but man, will someone hand me the batmobile so i can push the turbo button and get out? It isn't being easy being me..
[/quote">
[color=navy"> The batmobile is out for service sadly ... I will work on it ;)..
and ......... You don't want to be easy --- think of it that way okay.
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Re: Wish I can just shut off the emotion valve in me, why is this so hard? ajw: You can be a parent to the kid,without being a husband to her......stay away from her.Any relationship based on being made to feel so guilty that you have to stay together is doomed to failure.She's a proven liar and cheat and i dont see any reason why she's likely to change.
Andy
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