Signs that someone is NOT for you Spectrum: Some recent conversations I've had (and read) on this board have made it so clear to me that many of us (especially ME) have chosen to ignore big huge neon warning signs about our Xs and STBXs when we were either getting into the relationship, or were already in it.
I think it would be helpful to those of us who will be (or already are) on the dating scene to avoid the mistakes of the past.
Signs my STBX wasn't the right man for me:
1. He had a very casual attitude about lying, particularly when meeting/getting to know people. Some of the lies he told me about his family (to impress me??) were real doozies.
2. He had a very casual attitude about racism, racist comments, etc.
3. He had a general lack of empathy for other people and animals (including me, it turned out).
4. His dad always joked about/ridiculed the fact that he made ten times as much money as his mother (funny how that attitude came through in our relationship, when we both made roughly the same amount of money).
5. When we would stay with his parents, his mother would follow him around cleaning up after him and doing his laundry (and deep down, he expected me to do the same).
6. Every problem anyone in the family had was solved by the STBX's father, which led to a huge lack of problem-solving skills in every other member of the family.
The end result? A man who cheated on me guilt-free (until he was caught anyway) but only succeeded in covering it up for six months because I was in complete denial. Also, a man who had low self-esteem because he had a strong wife. AND, a man who (deep-down) expected me to be his doormat in the marriage and be happy with whatever he provided (and EVERYTHING we had was "provided by him"... YEAH, RIGHT!!).
Please join in! I look forward to learning from your observations.
Spectrum.
Re:Signs that someone is NOT for you faegonsgold: Things to look for and things I failed to see:
1. Lived at home until he was 30.
2. Parents always supported him--never made him work (and still supports him to this day even though he's on his own).
3. You see more of his family (who lived 3 hours away) more than you saw your own family (who only lived an hour and a half away).
4. He calls you names.
5. He expects to spend every waking moment with you.
6. You feel guilty about talking to your friends and family on the phone.
7. You do everything--and I mean EVERYTHING--around the house.
8. He is mean to defenseless animals.
9. He seems very attached.
10. Expects to make all of the decisions because he's the head of the household.
11. Has single girls over to the house while you're at work.
12. Talks to his mother every single day.
13. Sits inside watching television while you (the wife) installs windshield wipers on the car.
14. He has more (or only) friends of the female sorts than of the male species.
15. Can't take jokes.
16. Very critical.
17. He calls 10-20 times even after you've asked him to leave you alone.
18. BIG RED FLAG HERE: is emotionally and physically abusive.
And he wonders why I left...hmmmmm.
Ok....I feel better now. Thanks. :-\
Re:Signs that someone is NOT for you mv2: 1). First sign of narcissism - My ex would get <<crazy>> upset if I was ten minutes late for a date during the first few months of dating. Didn't want to hear the reason, just wouldn't listen.
2). All of her interests revolved around material possessions - from the magazines she read to her conversations with her friends.
3). She couldn't hold a job - quit immediately after we were married and told me she would look for another. Then proceeded to spend months not looking (as it turns out she had other extracurricular interests on her mind).
4). Went out and made outrageously expensive purchases for herself both before and after the wedding we had in her country, to save HER realtives the expense of traveling.
5). Felt it was her "right" to visit her mother in Europe 2x per year ("once when it was warm, and Christmas of course!!") - all on my nickel of course.
6). Had 2 affairs with married men, before we were married.
7). Once flew to Europe to visit a friend who was feeling "down" - (later I found out she was feeling down because she was also cheating on her live-in boyfriend).
8. Told me that pictures of spouses and children did not belong in the workplace, when I suggested i would like to have a picture of her / us on my desk at work.
9). Gave away framed wedding pictures from our house to a friend - without even asking me, and without ever replacing them.
10). Held sexually explicit conversations with men at her work, my male relatives and friends, just about everyone man she came in contact with.
Can you say Narcissistic Personality!?!?
Re:Signs that someone is NOT for you ostia: Well, there were definitely some glaring signs that my X was not for me..but also some things about the relationship that really worked marvelously well...I guess that's why I chose (subconsiously) not to see the bad stuff for so long...
Good stuff:
He never raised his voice or said anything hurtful
We had very similar senses of humor...I've never met anyone who can make me laugh like he did
We shared tastes in art, books, music, etc
We really spoke the same language, understood each other very well
He was very kind and gentle toward me
He loved my family
Bad stuff:
Totally irresponsible...he was in his early thirties and still had no career and made no effort to support himself beyond the most basic sustinence level
Indifferent to his own family
Way too passive, and rather passive-aggressive, in fact...he wanted me to make all the decisions so hewouldn't have to take responsibility for any of the results
Incredibly emotionally repressed and not very affectionate
Obsessed with internet to the point of ignoring me and having almost no actual flesh-and-blood friends
Drank too much...never got sloppy or violent, but he'd polish off a 6 pack every night sitting alone at the computer, and I couldn't keep bottles of alcohol in the house, because he's finish off the whole liter in 3 days
Selfish and parasitical...not very giving, but quick to take advantage of others when possible
And then there were the other basic incompatibilities: I love travel, he hates leaving the house; I love eating out and going to bars, he just likes to stay at home on the computer; I'm outgoing and have a lot of friends, he's a loner; he is comfortable with very little money, security, and comfort, whereas I need some financial stability and like to have a few nice things....on and on.
So, it's definitely for the best that we split up...especially since the gap between us had been widening for years and got much worse in the months leading up to our separation...but I still miss certain things about him...sigh (although I also want to kill him for being so horrible to me during our breakup >:().
Re:Signs that someone is NOT for you Spectrum: Oh yeah, I second the nightly six-pack and no alcohol in the house problem. I couldn't even keep Nyquil in the house- it would be GONE if there wasn't anything better around to drink.
And the excessive talking to parents- how many hours per week does a grown man need to talk to his parents, for Gawd's sake!!
Another HUGE thing you absolutely can't miss: What kind of friends does he have? If he surrounds himself with people you respect, he will turn out all right. If he surrounds himself with a bunch of alcoholics who cheat on their wives, guess what??
Spectrum.
