Re: My story sheydp: I have to say, as I read this I imagined what life must be like for your wife. She stays home alone, raising a child (NOT an easy thing to do WITH assistance, but alone is REALLY difficult). She has family that support her and undoubtedly assist in the care of your daughter? She relies on your income to make the life for your daughter that you want... And trust me - that much money at WalMart might be groceries, toilet paper, cleaning supplies, laundry supplies, garbage bags, diapers - consumables that wouldn't necessarily show up as "new" things. Heck, the time you are gone your daughter may have already changed sizes and she had to buy two sets of new clothes for her in that time! So you come home - DEMAND to know how the money is spent - without trusting her to do the right thing with it? If I were her I would resent that immensely. I stay home and do it all (while taking care of a job of my own no less!) and you waltz in and try to take it over or decide if I did it "right"?
Now - I KNOW you are confessing things you did wrong - and that is REALLY hard to do - and it takes a lot of character... but again - let me show you from your wife's perspective, ok? And this isn't because I am trying to attack you or say you are a bad person - you aren't - but because if you have any hope of saving this marriage you have to understand her perspective...
So... she is home working and taking care of a child, and when you get home you want to wine and dine her... That is lovely - and I'm sure she missed you and wants to spend time with you. However, she probably also wants you to BE with your daughter, BE with her - IN your home, AS A FAMILY. She said you were obsessed with money - that translates to - money won't make me happy, being with you will. She wanted you as an active participant in the family, at least while you are home. Less money would be ok, with a little more help and love at home.
Now - she waits during this time for you to return and be "family". Instead you start in on what she did wrong running the household - even though you weren't there to help. Then you tell her you slept with other women!!! Wow. That is not just some little light thing like you are making it out to be! I'm sure you didn't treat it so cavalierly to her, or she wouldn't still be there, I hope. Beautiful women... so when she isn't "beautiful" to you she will no longer be desirable? Or is it that you wanted them because she isn't beautiful to you now? You speak of wanting to save your marriage for your daughter, but what of your wife? You slept with other women - risking STDs, Child support suits, and your marriage. She waits for you at home - you take her trust and thrust it away - literally. This is a massive betrayal, and one that it takes a LOT to work through. Not just an I'm sorry, and not just a couple of months. If you weren't going to a counselor at that point you should have been. You may have thought you worked through it, but how do you suppose she felt during future business trips, every night in the bed you shared, while you were away doing god knows what? (continued)
Re: My story sheydp: The drug abuse... You have cleaned up. That is difficult to do, and I know it must have taken immense strength. Congratulations - honestly... I am glad you found meaning enough to make it worth it - and that you were able. So many can't. From her perspective, at least you were probably home for awhile, but it must have hurt that finally you found something worth more than a job for awhile, but it wasn't her. She also probably had some guilt over it all - after all - you blame her for starting you on it. (Really, though, she didn't - it can't be her fault you turned to something you shouldn't have - as you have since found, there are other ways to cope - YOU made that choice, not her.)
Lets talk about the car for a minute. She has family around that help her with raising your daughter. She wants to help them. Borrowing a car to family is BAD?? Since WHEN? Family does things for each other. We borrow cars to each other all the time, drive each other places - that is what real families do to support each other. It isn't ABOUT money. It is about helping each other. Honestly - if you said I couldn't share MY things with my family - you would be out of there in a heartbeat!!! They are the people who are there for her. Probably pick up medicine at the store for your daughter while your wife stays home to care for her. How DARE you say she can't help them out too? (Sorry - this one got me mad!) This is control in the extreme. Of course she doesn't want to tell you about it - you are going to be ridiculous and try to control her like that? You married her - the stuff you own belongs to her too. Instead of cutting off her head when she shares with people who help her out, you should praise her generous spirit. After all - it was that generous spirit that allowed her to forgive you many things which would have been unforgiveable to another woman.
You DO have control issues. I won't sugar coat it. For you it is about money, possessions... Even your daughter seems to be a possession. You want her to have STUFF. What about your time, your attention, your love. If you REALLY want this marriage to work - Truly and absolutely - then you will work on THAT. Not worry about getting your very replaceable STUFF. Let your wife provide the home you want for your daughter. Get your own new stuff. Give her what it takes to pay for the house, you obviously can. Let her give your daughter not only the nice life, nice stuff, that you want her to have... Let her give her a supportive affectionate, sharing, FAMILY. Hopefully you get to be part of that, but it has to start with YOU. It isn't about moving her away from the in-laws - her support system. It is about learning to live within the family you chose when you chose your wife. It is about letting go of the materialism that colors your entire post. It is about allowing your wife to make choices in and out of the home without your "approval". It is about spending TIME, not money, and showing the love you MUST feel for both your wife and daughter. Unbend a little. Go to a counselor on your own. Beg her to go with you. Quit your job and get a non-traveling one if that is what it takes. Are you willing to do that? Do they mean more to you - or the life you can provide? If it is the life you can provide - then provide it. Give her the money, stuff, and slack needed to take care of that baby the way you want her cared for and stop selfishly wanting to have all you can for yourself.
Whew. I'm sorry if this came off as badly as I'm sure it did... I didn't want to attack you. I want you to keep posting, come for support. Please do. But also please think about what I have said, and try to see her side as much as your own.
Shey
Re: My story mwdguru: Thank you for all of the input, I am going to re-read everything a few more times!! As far as being a mateialistic individual I admit that I do happen to enjoy nice things, and bust my ass to do so, BUT however, let me share this with you: We bought our house in late October of 03, during the month of December she starts a fight about wanting an SUV!! Nothing was wrong with her Camry that had less than 30,000 miles on it at the time!!! I was like, "Shit, we just got a house, had a baby in May, can you not be happy with this for now!?"
The SUV thing did not stop, it may have quieted for a while but in February/March of 05, it starts up again! This time she wanted me to sale my Toyota Tundra, sell her Camry, and then get an SUV, and all I would have would be the company truck which can only be used for business purposes!! This was a little wrong of her to ask I think! We did not go through with it, I did go to the dealership with her to try to appease her, but stopped it there....
For a while I felt as nothing more than a damn check stub, in fact during the car episode with her sister (whom did not even have the audacity to put gasoline back in the car!) I was making a serious attempt to pay off some of her credit card bills, during this time I was working like a crazed man!! It was taking a serious toll on me! I would ask about the credit cards, and how many days I would need to work a month to pay everything within a certain time period, well I seen some credit card bills being paid online, and when I do happen to go home I notice that just as much had been charged as been paid!!! I ripped all of them up and threw them in the trash can!! I was very irate, because I was trying to do my best at helping get us out of debt and she was doing her share to keep us in debt!! I am in question as to why someone would do this? Why would someone do try to destroy what someone is trying to build? As faras the sister, she has done nothing to help my family, only destroy. In fact, she cannot be around my baby because she left Oxycontin in my house!!! DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW WHAT THIS DRUG IS AND DOES!??? It is called poor mans heroin!! And this bitch had it in my house, on the floor, where my daughter could have put it in her mouth!!! Shit, friends like that who needs enemies? Yeah the attorneys made it clear that she cannot be around my daughter!!
Re: My story manda: You know what? I'm going to sympathize with you on the money and debt thing because I always hated being the one who was careful with money and him always spending it as if we were well-off. It is unfair. Finances are tough for most marriages and I think they are easier if the two people have good communication, but who here did? or does?
Also, if someone brought drugs in my house like that, I would kick them out of my house just as you did!
If you really want to make things better with your wife though you have got to find a way to talk without making demands. And moving away might be too much for her.
I have in-laws who used to drive me nuts! They called and came by whenever they wanted. My ex and I finally quit fighting each other about it and came up with some groundrules together that we could both live with...and then he told them. I guess they didn't know the trouble they were causing because after that they hardly called or came by and acted very sheepish--it was kind of horrible, but time passed and they started acting like normal people with manners. They would call before stopping by and they wouldn't call EVERY day.
Good luck.
Re: My story mwdguru: Hmmm, I was wanting to move for a while, and new that if a move did not take place that we were going to end up in this situation!! My reasoning for the move was, I work all over the state of TX, and the driving from Louisiana is taking a toll on me!! Her arguement was, "She had been at her job for like 12 years."
I would then say, "There are way more opportunities in Texas, especially Houston.... You could probably receive a job making 15 more G a year! But the inlaws beat me!!!!! It is sad to say that she chose the drug addict over me!! In court it was said by my attorney that when my attorney brought up the OXYCONTIN issue, their response, was, "Well it was not the Sisters but her husbands!" My Attorney then exclaimed as well as the SBTX's attorney both out of concern said, "It does not matter who is taking the drug, what does matter is that it was placed in a place where the baby could have put it in her mouth!!!!! WTF!!! I cannot believe that the SBTX could be sooo stupid in not taking a defensive position in the matter, versus having to be sooo influenced by her mommie!!!
Another subject to reiterate on is Holidays, they were always spent with her family! This past Fathers Day, which should have been my day I suggested that we go to my parents or go and do something together as a family... She came back and said, "No, my family (meaning her family) has a tradition they follow every year... WTF.. I am the father now, where was the respect for me... As I type and look at everything, I am wondering why oh why do I even have regrets for being separated!! Then I think of my Lil Daughter, whom I always wanted the best for!! Then it dawns on me.. If it was not for the baby, then I would be estatic right now!!! It this sort of wishy washiness normal? In a way, the fundamental love for the SBTX is washed up, destroyed, but I always wanted my Daughter to have the trips to Europe, the nicest of the nice, a good structure, etc.... Now she is going to be surrounded by my idiot inlaws and I am not going to have a good a influence as I so desperately wanted.... Make sense!?
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