my saga Frazzled Nomad: hi all
posted on here a few times but haven't put my full story down.. having a really rough night so wanted to bash it out. here's my long tale.
i'm 27, been with my gf / xgf (??) for 10 and a half years. for both of us this is the first serious relationship. never married. no kids.
we've had our ups and downs, both pretty crazy people starting off with zero relationship experience. i have almost always been super happy, but also always had doubts about our relationship mainly because it started a bit weird and i never got to be 'young and free' and 'find myself' throughout college and so on. my gf the same but we love each other so worked through it. we have had many amazing times together and while i wouldn't say we've been 'best friends' the whole time, we have been for most of our relationship. we've broken up and quickly got back together a few times but never had affairs or any really serious issues. until the last few years.
starting about 4 years ago my gf got pretty badly depressed. she had finished college but realised she did not want to take her studies further and decided to totally change tack. we were kind of drifitng apart at this point because i had just started a serious job with long hours and stress. anyway i was working and not really enjoying my job, coming home to a depressed gf who i loved but who started to become more and more withdrawn. for the last 3 years our sex life dwindled away to almost nothing. got to the point where i couldn't remember the last time we had been really passionate with each other. i asked her about it many times, tried to help her get help, was supportive as could be but it was absolutely destroying my self esteem. all i could think was 'i have to be patient and wait for this to get better' but it didn't. so we both withdrew from each other physically and emotionally. looking back, i was a complete wreck by about 1 year ago. rejected over and over and over, crying to myself, lo and behold i got depressed too. told i wasn't attractive any more, wasn't acting like a man, etc. i wanted out but couldn't face hurting her so i internalised it. real healthy relationship.
anyway we moved overseas together to pursue my gf's new studies. i told myself i wanted out of my life at home anyway and saw it as supporting her and an adventure. after moving, same old rejection. i had physical symptoms of depression by now which i thought were physical illnesses. crazy. still my underlying happy personality saw it through and i convinced myself it was gonna be ok.
after six months of arguing and bad times we decided to have a separation so i could go travelling and my gf could explore herself alone. my gf suggested it and i agreed. we agreed we could see other people during this time, but 'nothing serious'. hint for the unwary: NEVER EVER DO THIS.
so anyway i go off travelling alone, with my self-esteem at rock bottom. after so much rejection i was basically a bomb waiting to go off. stoopid. so i met another girl and we had a really great time together. i thought i was falling in love with her (but i now recognise it was just a rebound self-esteem booster. chalk another one up to inexperience and idiocy. and of course it's easy to have a good time when you are in holiday fantasy land). i told my gf straight away by email but it was very weird as we had agreed to be open with each other but neither of us i guess understood the full impact of what we were doing. i didn't tell my gf the details of my feelings for this girl. but truth be told i was happier than i had been in years, even though now i know it was a bandaid over my gaping wounds. anway my gf had dated during the separation but told me she didn't do anything serious.
Re: my saga Frazzled Nomad: fast forward to a few months ago, we sort of got back together and i couldn't handle the guilt at ALL, i sat my gf down and said look i had feelings for someone else, i tried to pretend i didn't but i did so you deserve to know and i'm so sorry for not telling you while we were separated. i begged and cried from the bottom of my heart and i meant it. i cut off contact with the other girl (which had just been a few emails) but still deep down i had the scars from her rejection so i was intensely conflicted.
my gf forgave me which was incredible and showed me how much she really did love me. basically my world cracked, all the guilt and shame from my 'affair' fighting against my self-esteem problems from the rejection and i had / am having a nervous breakdown. we tried to start again and take it slow but again, a bandaid over gaping wounds. now i am in counselling and having fun in a major depression. my gf is also in counselling. we have made up and broken up about six times in the last couple of months. with the last time being a huge fight. since then i have been on the complete rollercoaster of emotions, emotions more powerful than anything i thought i had in me and almost all negative.
i have no idea whether we should try and fix things or break up permanently. either way seems like a pain picnic of epic proportions and i just can't handle any more pain. i love her so much, TOO much i think but my love is tainted by our past and my own actions. she loves me too but i can't stand to break her heart and mine again and i am sure a lot of her hates me. just seeing or talking to her gives me anxiety attacks now. anonymous phone counselling is on speed dial on my phone..
it's her birthday tomorrow and we are supposed to have lunch. first time i will have seen her for two weeks.
help?
and thankyou to anyone who has read this whole thing. i have no idea how it sounds. i know i have screwed up royally but i'm a good person and i'm sick of trying to blame me or her or us. i just want us both to be okay and i want her to be okay most of all.
this place is full of inspiring people and i wish you all so much love for now and the future.
Re: my saga Frazzled Nomad: well in case anyone is reading i had lunch with my xgf today. and oh my god do i love her. i love her so damn much. i told her how i was feeling, how great we were together, how much i missed being a team with her, how i didn't want to do things without her. i wrote her a poem and she cried and said it was beautiful. but i think she is determined to move on, or at least get happy with being independent. i know we both need to do this but i don't want to do it without her. she still loves me too. i don't know what to do. i feel like i'm falling through the sky.
Re: my saga Gabo: Dude you need to relax man. Yes I did the "lets be friends and date other persons" thing. And yes it crashed and burn. Yes we got back together never wanted to do that again and yes she said to me last month the just be friends and date other people.
Why? Because whe been seeing each other since we where 17. We need to live somethings before we are ready to really settle in. I know is hard to face it, I know is hard that those things happen and you could lose your life sweetheart. Yes man it sucks. It really sucks. But that's the way it is.
My advice.. First of all try to relax. Don't blame anything on anyone. This SH!T happens all the time and much worse, trust me. If me and my XGF hadn't broken up last month we probably had ended like you three or four years later. And is really sad because I love this girl SO DAMN MUCH.
I don't know if you can work it out or not. I only know how difficult is to stay for a lot of time with your highschool sweetheart not mattering how much you love each other. Try to go to counseling so the counselor can tell you what's going on.
Just relax, this happens and even if the SH!T hits the fan and everything blows in your face you'll learn a lot and be a lot better person with time.
Trust me on this one.
Re: my saga Frazzled Nomad: thanks man. yeah you sound like your situation is pretty similar. and you're right about how much it sucks! it's so sad i can't really take it. i don't blame either of us, both tried our best and are / were young and inexperienced. it's just sad how little people know about relationships, how many people think 'love is all you need' and i guess i have been on the hardcore express learning course these last few years. i just want the classes to stop now you know what i mean, i've learned the damn lessons already! i feel like i'm 67 not 27.. i guess that's a good thing somehow, i know how bad things can be now and what NOT to do in the future.
my counsellor is really good but she along with most of my friends and family are saying 'if it's over you need to move on'. HUGE part of me feels like saying 'screw you all' and getting back together but i guess they are seeing it from the outside with more experience so who the hell knows. just too much pain, so much goddamn pain. but yeah it could be a hell of a lot worse. there's no kids, mortgage, crazy stalkers, nasty friends or anything like that so in the scheme of things, we are VERY lucky.
but thanks again for your support and yeah i know you are right. relaxing is definitely what i need to do. unfortunately seems to be the one thing i can't do! stupid emotional rollercoaster. i used to be the calmest person on the planet.
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