Spoke with the OW the other day - need advice zippy: Hi all.
Might be kind of long bere with me please.
My ex and I broke up six months ago, however we've been keeping in light contact - maybe it's not been the smartest idea on MY part he did cheat on me. I know I know.
So here's the story, he met this woman in Texas and they begin to talk via email and telephone. I had had a dream (sounds weird) the week before he met her and when he returned I told him about the dream. From his expression I knew that I was right on about the dream, he never admitted anything to me - just grinned and buried his head in the pillow. So later that day I glanced at his email and low and behold there was an email there from her and it also indicated that they had called one another.
For a week I sat on it, trying to figure out what to do as we lived with one another and I didn't have anywhere really to go yet. The next Sat. he received another email from her with her photo in it this time. Well instead of confronting him I dropped her an email with our photo and also letting her know that he was living with his gf of two years. I planned on telling him the day after but she dropped the bomb first. He asked if I had been looking in his email I said yep, I started to get upset and packed my things to drive 2 hours away to stay with my best friend and her family.
So we semi-broke up. Things got worst. And another week passed and we really broke up. Basically I found out he was still talkign to this woman, she had decided to move out here a week after meeting him ("though not for him") and she had plans to come out and apt search. So that was it, I was over it mostly. A few weeks later even more fireworks - it's funnythings just kep getting worst and worst. In 2 years we'd NEVER had an argument and then bam - one situation led to another and then just rocketed in a downward spiral.
We stopped talking for a few months in a forced nc. We begin to talk again in August. Things were stressed but a little better. Me met up once but kept it light. In October we managed to have a talk - a serious one yet we tried to keep it not so heavy but we spoke about a few of the issues.
Fast forward to just recently. The OW has been monitoring my web pages for the last six months and every once inwhile her friends try to drop me vivruses. He never believed me when I mentioned this to him, so I just stopped. Well this past week she once again visited the site and her rfiend dropped me yet another virus so I had had enough (thank god i don't use ie). I gave her a call.
We ended up talking for just about an hour. Main things spoken about was the she said I overestimated their involvement. She said that he spoke to her about all our "relationship problems". Mentioned that in the bar where they met (was surprized when i told her about my dream and said that's exactly how it happened) he had invited her to stay at his (our) place - until she found a new place. As she looks back on it she wondered how he was going to pull this off since I was living there. Had even told me he had thought for a moment to move to Texas for a couple of months.
Said when she found out about me - via my note - She called and he told her that we had broken up a few weeks earlier but I was just staying there until I found a place. All lies.
But perhaps we'd broken up in HIS mind he was just too chicken to tell me? I'm old enough to know the signs, I've been through this before and I can honestly tell you that there weren't any. This was the first time in my life that I was completely blindsided.
So we've been talking now but I'm pissed. I know the girl prob has motives behind her telling me these things, I did not ask but I'm not nieve enough to not believe that some of it is true. I've not mentioned it to him or let him know tha tI called her. So this is where you come in - I need help.
Re: Spoke with the OW the other day - need advice zippy: Hi sorry - lol I thought it was getting too long. Soooo
What do you think I should do gang? Just be done with it? Drop him a email note to let him know that we spoke? (there is a part of me that doens't want her to be the first to "tell him" or the only onoe so she can skew it into the way she wants it to sound) Or should I just wait until he mentions it to me? If he does.
The thing is, this would be the second time he's heard something from someone else and not me. and althought we're no longer dating it's driving me crazy. I want to say something - just keep it casual but everyone's screaming NO.
I've all ready chosen to forgive him btw, this happened back a long time ago. We've not been hanging out or having exsex or anything it's been really casual.
To make matters worst my mother mentioned to me that "she wouldn't have called in the first place". Honestly the only reason I did was I was mad that her friends kept sending me viruses and I'd just had enough. Our conversation wasn't even heated - for a second yes but not after that initial shock.
I'm not sure if they had relations, I know while he was in Texas they did not (the guy he was with busted him as well) but after we broke up who knows. But we were broken by that point as I completely believe he had intentions to. They were making plans... However I think that becuase of all the drama that happened she got nothing and this is why she's been monitoring me all this time. She didn't even know the other roommate's name nor that they got a third roommate 2 months after our breakup.
I know she's a little insignificant piece of nothing but still...It burns me. I just keep wondering if this is it? I mean completely it? Or if this is possibly something that eventually we can work through. not now, I think we still need to be seperate for awhile. Do I want him back? Not sure anymore now that I know some of this new information. Do I still love him? Yes, always will. Doens't mean that I won't ever be able to love another, just means that this man has a piece of my heart and as he was my first love - even at this age 31. I guess I'm just concerend that she will spew forth whatever and he'll just be like ok this is even much more drama than is worth it.
I undrstnad that he is the one who created the fire...i'm just the one who poured gasoline on it. I flipped out, simple as that. Never thought he'd cheat on me.
Re: Spoke with the OW the other day - need advice lookin4alite: Zippy,
Welcome to Ojar, this is the right place for safe and healthy discussion and these guys are great. They all have been where you are and care deeply.
The reality is I think you need to move on. If you hold onto him there is an unfortunate chance he will cheat again. But the pain will be worse each time. He has already moved on else he would not cheat even if just emotionally.
Please keep posting and check out our other sections.
Take Care
Lite
Re: Spoke with the OW the other day - need advice sheydp: More than just the cheating... he has a continual pattern of lying. From one who has experienced the extensive damage of this - don't return to it. You don't want to spend your life checking his emails, his phone, his car ashtray (long and odd story lol). He wants what he wants, acts impulsively and without talking about it, and outright lies. He has to learn to stop these, and be able to recognize the damage these behaviours cause. Doesn't sound like he has! Let him go... as hard as that is. Let her go - she is following the path you would have followed had you stayed - she has to monitor every part of his past current and possible future life just to know who he is and where the truth lies. I feel sorry for her, but glad you have escaped. Don't return to the trap. Love, but love from a distance.
((((((((HUGS)))))))
Shey
Re: Spoke with the OW the other day - need advice alonewith2: I agree with the others. I married a man who drifted from one relationship to the next (usually starting the next relationship before the other ended), and he kept that pattern even after marriage. He cheated on me a number of times. I became the crazy wife monitoring and snooping, etc...and I hated being that woman! It's no way to live.
Will you ever be able to trust him again? What if he goes on another trip? What if you have another dream/instinct?
I really must suggest letting him go. You are not too far involved in all of this mess to get away with a somewhat clean break! You deserve so much more than what he has to offer!
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