my Karmatic weekend. Gabo: 3:27 am Sunday. Man I need to go to sleep but I really want to post first. I didn’t have internet yesterday at my home in Mexico City (I am using the wireless network of my neighbor, I know that’s bad). I just connected and realize two wonderful things. First of all my posts have been read and replied. A lot of deep insight in the replies and I am very grateful for those people (Raul and the Karma post for example). Second there are people who give me support (like Sheyd) and it even made me feel better that I inspired some people to feel better with my story (thanks malek1984). That’s weird because I really don’t feel good but at least I reckon I a starting (just starting and really slowly on the right track)
Anyway, back to my weekend. I’ll try to be brief again yet this posts tend to be very long.
The Rollercoaster of emotions is still as hard as ever. I don’t feel that depressed but the changes in emotions and feelings are so fast and so hard that I am very very tired.
Friday morning: I was supposed to go to classes but the mornings are the hardest part of the day. Depressed, smoking cigarettes, computer, same old thing.
Midday: I have to leave to go to Mexico City in order to be in time for my appointment with my psychiatrist. 2 hour drive by highway and then 2 hour drive in traffic (If you really think that in America you have problems with traffic jams you have seen nothing. Imagine 20 million people living in a developing country city where there are not those really nice 16 lane driveways)
During the drive through the incredibly picturesque highway I started to cry of happiness. I just felt so happy to be alive. Later at the city I took a wrong left and got lost with so much traffic and so far away from home that I cried again, now because of frustration. Frustration of missing my psychiatrist appointment because I got lost because I was distracted because I was thinking about my ex. Frustration that she was not there with the map helping me out to find my way (she always did that we used to say that we where great rally partners and that we should participate in one, we never did) Frustrated that I was alone. So I cried in my car.
I finally reached my appointment but one hour late and the doctor had already left. That felt bad. Well, a friend invited me to a wrestling match (I know, wicked!) so I went. It was so cool yet half the time I was distracted thinking about me, her, relationships. It was bad, I was so distracted I didn’t enjoyed the show. Yet I had some fun.
Saturday morning. I phoned the mother of my XGF to give her my XGF stuff. That was bad specially since she liked me and cared for me so much. Still it was good to have non of her stuff again in my house (clothing, toothbrush, perfume, man even her panties where there)
I saw my dad and went to the dentist. High of the weekend: NO MORE BRACES! I’ve been one year with braces and the dentist had finished my treatment and took them away. I have such a beautiful smile now.
Re: my Karmatic weekend. Gabo: Later that day I saw my aunts. They asked me about my GF and I told them that GF was now XGF. They told me that I’ll do fine. Still they couldn’t believe that she broke up with me and they thought that I was such a good man that I will have no problem to find another fine woman. Also they said that I should enjoy my freedom now that I am still young. Good advice but not impartial. I am their nephew and second they ended up alone in life and one of my aunts with regrets of breaking with her BF a long time ago. So I think I’ll handle with care their advice.
Saturday afternoon. My friends came to my house so we could jam together. That was cool. Later a couple of friends arrived. They are a couple and have also relationship problems. Apparently she broke up with him because she felt that they should not keep going together in life for some reason. But they are still seeing each other at a regular basis. The problem gets worse when I have really strong feelings for her. She is the only girl besides my XGF that I loved. (we had a childish relationship when we where 12 and after that we kept seeing each other as friends, we never dated because I was with my XGF when she was single). I like her so much still it’s not good for me to see her in that kind of way. Even if I had the chance I’ll not betray and break my friend’s heart (him). That’s so not cool. He loves her and I really don’t want to break up the friendship and make him feel towards me the way I feel about the OM.
We went to a bar to have some beers and play domino. I liked the waitress she was pretty. What should I have said? I said to an American friend once that I have really issues with flirting with waitresses. They are so used to men flirting with them that they are really self confident and hard to impress. Why is it so difficult to talk and introduce to strangers? It makes me mad.
I am almost going to sleep now. I feel so much better now that I’ve written this down. I’ll post it, it’s kind therapy. I just made one final realization.
First of all I am lucky that my XGF is not as mean as the Xs of so many people here in OJAR. She finished with me before starting a new relationship. So even though she dumped me for another man at least she didn’t cheat. Second of all she has been honest all the time about how she feels and why she broke up with me and she is always willing to talk about that. Taking this into consideration if someday she comes back and I am not committed in a serious relationship I will not have a problem in forgiving her (as long as she realize how immature she was for leaving a man who really loved her just because her fear to commitment and her need to date other men)
This is so Karmatic: I broke up with her at the beginning because I was afraid of commitment and wanted to date other women (young and naïve). She grew strong, dated another man and I realize how stupid I was. I really feel that now is her turn to realize that in life a person who really loves you, support you and is loyal (besides all the nice traits I have as a person) is not expendable and should be treasured as one of the most important things in life. The problem is that in my side this Karmatic situation I have to grow really strong but I am so tired, so tired and very lonely.
Re: my Karmatic weekend. sheydp: I like to see this diary of events, especially since it is showing you getting out and dealing with issues at the same time. You are a really sweet man, the care and love you show your friends does you honor. So many wouldn't care about their friends' feelings, but act on their own. Even down and lonely you don't do that - Good for you! I am sorry you missed your appointment, but it sounds like you gained a lot from the drive as well. As much as frustration and sadness can hit, so can the beauty of the world. Right now, your sensitivities and emotions are raw and exposed, and everything is going to affect you so strong - including the beauty. Hold on to the memories of the beautiful parts - they can help.
You are doing well - I hope you make it to class this week! Get your brain moving on learning new things, exciting ideas, things beyond the relationship realm. You will remember how much more there is to life. Congratulations on getting moving, getting stronger!
Shey
Re: my Karmatic weekend. Raul: Mi hermano,
You are still young (saw your profile). You have a long road still ahead of you. Some of us in here wish we were at your age and the kind of independence to roam freely. I know at any age we feel hurt, sadness and depression. Just count your blessing- you have tias, amigos y tu padre. I know you feel like you lost the only one in your life that you'll ever love- but keep in my mind that life gives you the test before the lesson. My first broken heart was at 25. And I thought I would never love again. And I did fall in love again. But unfortunately, she too, left. But sometimes we need to be reminded on how blessed we are. I have friends, tias, sisters, and my mother for support (never met my dad). But I am thankful that I loved again. That I married someone I love- even if it was only for a short time. God only knows why things turn out the way they do. And I know, even after this divorce, I will love again. Though sometimes, I need to be reminded. Maybe next time you read one of my post, and I am down, you could remind me to be thankful for all of my blessings.
Cuidate and have FAITH!
Raul
Re: my Karmatic weekend. Gabo: Muchas gracias a ambos.
Thank you both of you for your support. Knowing that people miles away gives you support and care about you is great.
I'm doing better but far from good. And yes I'm young and lucky. I just don't like when at ceratain points in my life for some reason (like being dumped or broken hearted) I fall in depression.
I'll keep posting and I hope you do the same.
Thanks again.
