Six months and maybe some wisdom genesplicer: Well, the train's set on full speed and the brakes aren't working, so I figured it might be a good time to try and clear out some of this fog. It's been a while since I posted about my situation, short story of married for 4.5, together for 10 years and he decided he'd be happier going back to the single life. No real explanation ever given.
It doesn't feel like it all the time, but it's been six months since stuff really hit the fan and he moved out. I was blindsided, didn't see the end coming till it was way too late. There were several weeks of no eating and no sleeping, and the sleep still doesn't come as often as I'd like it. ::)
Overall, it's been a long six months, yes, but I've come a long way. The pain has started to recede, the waves are smaller and shorter, though they still come. The confusion is still there, but with each day that passes I have less and less desire to ask the questions that remind me how much I never learned about the 'why's' and 'what if's'.
I've started doing things for myself again, and have made a few new friends in the process.
So here I sit, with final legal agreements sitting on my desk for review, an appointment with my lawyer Tuesday morning, a husband breathing down my neck to sign everything so he can file on Wednesday, and a court date sometime in the next month. Which I suppose brings me to the point of posting tonight (if I ever really have a point), that even though I know I've come a long way, I've still got a ways to go. The impending divorce has still managed to dredge up so many of the emotional storms, and the fucking rollercoaster is in full force. Remnants of feeling like a total failure, and fear of repeating old patterns and mistakes.
I've been doing things to try and learn from everything that has happened, the therapy, working through the feelings instead of ignoring them for the most part and posting here.
Maybe's it's to be expected, the end is clearly in sight, and it's more real than ever. A few more weeks then it's back into the shark tank. Maybe I'm just making excuses though, I'm not 100% sure right now.
Oh well, time to get back on the roller boaster for the next few weeks. ::)
(Geez, I'm in a bugger of a mood tonight)
Re: Six months and maybe some wisdom jadedangel: [color=navy"> Being that I think I am a few steps behind you ---- well at least a few train carts ..... I can't really say too much to make it better. Honestly, truth be known ... I probably need you more than you need me. I know it seems to silly -- just an online board .. but, it becomes to be something.
However, you know I will be here ... we were half engaged sorta once .. remember. I will be here to listen to your antics about cowboys and linedancing, blender parties and the such... plus, I need someone to help me teach Random how to fully stock her liquor cabinet.
In all seriousness .... good luck with the precedings. I know it can't be easy. I know it can't mean just nothing like it seems to do to him --- karma will catch him eventually. I am glad you have found time for yourself again ... you are an inspiration for many. You are no failure -- you didn't give up. You already learned from any mistakes -- I am sure you will be busy making new ones ;) ... Maybe not 100% .. but I think your well on your way.
Sending a hug .... via UPS --- they are the fastest right?[/color">
Re: Six months and maybe some wisdom genesplicer: Thanks JA, I'll be sure to send you all my notes on how to derail these last couple of train cars. ::)
*Gears up for some new mistakes* ;D (Hell, have to come out of this with stories, don't I?)
Kinda funny the things we learn through the whole process, isn't it? Definitely makes you appreciate the small stuff a lot more. Like crazy ass procrastinating New Yorkers! :P
Re: Six months and maybe some wisdom genesplicer: Well, it's been one of those mornings, so I figured I'd give a little update.
All the papers have been filed with the court, including documents that misspell my maiden name in the name change request. ::) What a freakin' tool (stbx is filing), I told them it was wrong and they changed it on the actual name change request before I signed that, but not in the complaint docs.
So the stbx didn't notice till he got here to give me the waivers to sign, what an idiot! Sounds like we'll get our court date on Monday, so we're down to the last couple weeks. Feels good to be able to see the end of the legal side of things at least, hopefully that will help with the rest of the
For the first time in six months, he came into my house. It was cold out, so I let him in. Well, after thinking about leaving him out there to call the lawyer to get things straightened out. :) We talked for a couple minutes, he took some pictures he had been asking for, he made a few a$$hat remarks about how money can't be too tight since I've bought some new things...
That helped me remember just how big a jerk he has become, which is good considering I've been mired in the memories of long ago lately. It was different this time though, as much as I still miss something, it's not him. No burning emotions, no knee jerk questions about us and what happened, nothing like that. Sure, some sadness when he left, but just not the same in some way...
Score one for progress, even if it's just an inch.
Re: Six months and maybe some wisdom YellowJacket: [quote author=genesplicer link=topic=21601.msg203478#msg203478 date=1132417770">
he made a few a$$hat remarks about how money can't be too tight since I've bought some new things...
[/quote">
"Well, X, I've been so depressed since your promise of "forever" turned out to just mean "as long as I feel like it" and you turned my entire life upside down, embarrassed me in front of our friends, and made me feel like I was so worthless that the man who had promised his life to me couldn't stand to spend another day with me that I had to go out and make some foolish, impulse purchases to try to help with the staggering pain that you caused me. In case there is any small part of you that cares even the tiniest for my well being anymore -- it didn't help."
Collect bonus points for an amazingly long run-on sentence!
[quote author=genesplicer link=topic=21601.msg203478#msg203478 date=1132417770">
as much as I still miss something, it's not him. No burning emotions, no knee jerk questions about us and what happened, nothing like that. Sure, some sadness when he left, but just not the same in some way...
Score one for progress, even if it's just an inch.
[/quote">
An inch? Are you kidding?!?!?! The realization that you're lonely and not lonely for him is huge!!!!! It's miles..... many of them.... hardly an inch.
You're no longer chained to your past. You're no longer prisoner to thoughts of the person that treated you worse than anyone else ever has. You're no longer forced to look back and want what you had that's now gone. C'mon, GS, you're a very bright woman -- you HAVE to see what an amazing step this is for you. Today is a watershed day in your recovery.
The day I realized I was lonely for someone but not for her was the day I was able to put it all behind me. It was that day and a moment of clarity when I realized I'd just get a few things tied up and would demand a divorce. I was free that day; you are today.
The past, and thoughts of X, are on "the other side" now. On this side is loneliness and adjustment, as it is for all of us. But now it's about you and your life. No more him, no more "we". You'll take some time to adjust, to figure out what you want and to love yourself. Then you'll find someone new and life will be brighter than it's ever been -- better this time because you'll have an amazing new appreciation for what it's worth.
As our geeky engineer joke goes -- that's one hell of a large value of one you got there, kiddo! :D
This is a big day in your recovery even if it doesn't yet feel like it. Do something different today to celebrate -- you know, like having a beer or two! ;D
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