Separated a year - what a year it's been jdawg2:
Hi Folks,
I have not read this board in some time...I've been separated about a year now and just waiting on the final divorce this new year...seems to take forever! I found this site last year and learned a lot from those on it. There are some really great people here. My s2bx left last labor day after therapy just didn't work out for us. I can honestly say I tried all I could. I apologized to her for my mistakes through a letter some time ago as well as her parents, found that helped much. I knew she had found interest in someone else while we were married. My family and a few freinds thought so too, of course I stayed in denial. I made plenty of mistakes and admit all, I'm not perfect...and in retrospect no one is. She denied the other person (married with two kids) through the end. I took it on myself that it was all my fault after listening to her for a long time, and about a month ago I found out the guy left his family and they moved in together, I received a check back endorsed by both of them. She said I was misinformed..hmmmm don't think so! This took quite a toll on me ( and her as well) I feel bad not for myself but for the other family. I've read many storied here that all sound the same... sad really. I asked her why she wasn't honest .... no answer. I have learned that people who find someone else are in denial themselves, I guess it makes things easier.
What I've learned,
1. always trust your instincts and your heart it really does tell the truth.
2. If a divorce can be avoided DO IT.
3. If you think something is going on, the answer is yes as many told me at the time.
4. learn from it, life is too short as it is and if it happens never lose yourself,
5. It really does get better, it hurts for a long time and it really causes bitterness, anger and resentment.
I guess the fact is life does go on. I'm thankful no children were involved, and I'm happy for her (dumb as that sounds) I hope she does well. I have not dated in a year now not quite ready for that, when it comes I'll be ready. I found a great book that really helps :
" letting go"
"a 12 week personal action program to overcome a broken heart"
Dr. Zev Wabderer & tracy Cabot
I wish I would have found that sooner,
Advice:
as I was told..find yourself again, accept your mistakes and move forward. I'm glad the nights of no sleep, the sick stomache, pain, and all else are gone now. A good therapist and medication really helped get over the initial shock. Many family members and freinds give the typical "move on", etc. Well, it doesn't work that way for many I've talked to including myself. I look forward to being married, having children and living a good life, all things in due time.
To those new here.. I know how you feel as do many others, and straight up it really sucks! but it does get better!!
I'm sorry any of us have to go through this, if your new to this situation hang in there, take care of yourself and life will turn.
Best Regards,
J Dawg.
Re: Separated a year - what a year it's been achingallover: JD-
Thanks for the insight. I wrote down the names of the books and will look into them. I am about 2 months out from him saying he wants a divorce. We begin mediation on Tuesday. Don't know how long that will take. I am anticipating moving out of our house by Sept. 1st. This has been hell. A hell that I never in a million years would have imagined would happen to me and my "soulmate". I'm devisted, but know I have to move on. I will be fine, I know that deep down, but there is just so much loss in this. And so much pain and confusion. I thank you for the hope I get from your post. I'm glad you are doing well. It sounds like you are really getting things together for yourself. I hope I can feel the same way a year out.
Take care -
Steph
Re: Separated a year - what a year it's been TLK: Your right, a lot of the stories are the same. I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage but I owned them al and said them out loud. My divorce was final this summer. We seperated on November 5th of 2004, 6 days before my birthday. He had a girlfriend and moved on like he was never married. I am still very angry, we have a five year old son together. I think he was very selfish and did not think of him first.
Re: Separated a year - what a year it's been idocsteve: JD,
Thanks for the post. Your insight and honesty is appreciated.
Re: Separated a year - what a year it's been broken_halo: Hey jdawg:
It's been a little over 4 months now that my ex left me. For a 3rd time throughout our 7 year relationship, it was always his decision.... but like you said, i own upto the mistakes I made as well -- retaliation pretty much.. Unresolved emotions from the hurt that just caused it to go south even though it did seem like he was trying. I've written many letters, I guess for self-medication. Writing has always been my outlet, I'm some type of "poet" i guess. However, I had been thinking of sending him one but a lot of people advised me against it. I do feel like I need to apologize for what I did wrong, I know it wasn't all my fault, but I still have that lingering feeling that I need to say I'm sorry for hurting him.... by hurting i mean the retaliation.. getting upset over "nothing", when really it was my unresolved anger towards him for leaving me.
Last month I found out that he has someone else in his life that was one of our mutual "friends". I think when I found that out, I started feeling like crap again. It made it more real to me, that this time he's never coming back. I'm hurting right now, which I know is normal.. I've tried to forgive him and myself for hurting each other... But i think a letter would make me feel better. I don't want any form of response.. But I don't know if it would be fair to him since he is trying to move on with his life. I honestly just want to move on, but I have this guilt inside of me thats weighing me down. I've prayed for clarity in the situation, but i'm human. I'm not perfect and I'm just trying to go through this w/out hurting anyone in the process. I've had 2 many years suffering in silence being w/him. It's so lonely being single but i think it was worst being w/him and still feeling alone.
Any advice?
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