unrap a red fire engine... mrlament: Dear wife,
I didn’t call your house this Thanksgiving, as per your instructions "not to call" almost did, .had the phone in my hand several times...but I didn’t. You have a new life with the kids and some one special in your life.
today is "black monday" i was ridding the subway today, racing back and forth to two seperate interviews, on the subway i saw all the shoppers, husbands, wives, kids...with bags of toys and gifts for thier loved ones . it made me think of how we used to shop toghether, making sure we had all the girls wanted...dolls, dolls, dolls. :D-in the basement there are so many toys they grew up with. con-eddison came to read the metter the other day and we had to step over them, i remember each and every christmas the were associated with. remember how we used to run out at the last minute to get more stuff?, even though we could rarely afford what we had already gotten :D. how we would rap the gifts together, with a cup of coffee or an adult beverage...how you insisted my rapping skills could use some work. i remember the typewritter i got you, you wanted a computer but i couldnt afford one. then the christmas i could only afford a used one...i remember the sun dresses i used to buy cause i thought you looked so cute in them...i know now that that wasnt the real you, and you only wore them for me. i used to wish i could get these memories out of my head. i dont anymore...there all i have. you say i need "to get over it" in a way i guess i never will, but thats ok because i would rather have the good memories rolling around in my head(even if it means a little sadness associated with them), although i am making room this year for new memories like knowing i wont be there to see my son unrap a "red fire engine" or his first "race car set" or trian set or football in his pajamas, and the look on his face-like (how did santa know?). i'm only comming to grips with the fact that this is not my reality. acctually ive come to grips with none of this...but it is none the less reality.
remember his first christmas?...he was much too young (7 days old) for the dump-truck i insisted on him having, and those cars. remember how hard it was to find elmo? the dump truck is the one toy i keep in my room-torturing my self?
no just trying to have a little of him close to me.
I realize that my thoughts and feelings really have no bearing on what you do or will do, I don’t want to interfere with your life. But I would like to be a part of the children’s life at some point, I wish they knew how much I miss them. I have been writing _________letters, I don’t write_________, because she basically feels the same way about me as you do, and I fear anything I write would only upset her. And well...._________is obviously to young to read. My point is can you tell them all I love them every now and then, even if you tell them I am/was a derelict. Please tell them I love them. And miss them dearly.
I realize you have moved on and they have to move on as well, I’m not trying to stop this anymore (not that I ever could). This past thanksgiving has made me realize I cannot stop or turn back the hands of time…I see the future as it is and will be. Can you just tell them I love them and miss them? …. At least every now and then? Thanks.
