So who see's there life in this article I pulled off the net dontgetit: Codependent Relationships
Takers and caretakers – they often seem to find each other! As a counselor who has worked with relationships for 37 years, I can tell you that this is the most frequent relationship dynamic that I encounter.
Takers are people who tend to be narcissistic – that is, they are self-centered with an excessive need for attention and admiration. The taker attempts to control getting love, attention, approval or sex from others with anger, blame, violence, criticism, irritation, righteousness, neediness, invasive touch, invasive energy, incessant talking and/or emotional drama.
The taker uses many forms of both overt and covert control to get the attention he or she wants. Takers not only want a lot of control, but are often afraid of being controlled and become overtly or covertly resistant to doing what someone else wants them to do. The taker might resist with denial, defending, procrastination, rebellion, irresponsibility, indifference, withdrawal, deadness, numbness, rigidity, and/or incompetence.
In a relationship, takers operate from the belief that "You are responsible for my feelings of pain and joy. It is your job to make sure that I am okay."
Caretakers, on the other hand, operate from the belief that "I am responsible for your feelings. When I do it right, you will be happy and then I will receive the approval I need." Caretakers sacrifice their own needs and wants to take care of the needs and wants of others, even when others are capable of doing it themselves. Caretakers give to others from fear rather than love - they give to get.
Neither takers nor caretakers take responsibility for their own feelings and well-being. Takers generally attempt to have control over others' giving them the attention and admiration they want in overt ways, while caretakers attempt to have control over getting approval in more covert ways, such as compliance, doing to much for others, and/or withholding their wants and opinions.
Because neither takers nor caretakers are taking care of themselves, they will each end up feeling angry, resentful, trapped, unappreciated, unseen, unloved, misunderstood, and/or unacknowledged.
I tell my clients that whenever they feel this way in a relationship, it is because they are expecting the other person to give them what they are not giving to themselves. When we are not seeing, valuing, acknowledging, or understanding ourselves, and when we are not attending to our own wants and needs, we will always feel upset when others treat us just like we are treating ourselves.
Codependent Relationships – relationships of two takers, two caretakers, or a taker and a caretaker – will always run into problems. Many people leave these relationships, only to discover the same problems in their next relationships. Takers and caretakers can switch places in different relationships and over different issues, but the problems remain the same – anger, resentment, distance, lack of sexuality, boredom, feeling unloved and unloving.
There really is a way to heal this codependent relationship!
Relationships heal when individuals heal. When each partner does their inner work – for example practicing the Inner Bonding process that we teach – their relationship system heals.
When each person learns to take full personal responsibility for his or her own feelings of pain and joy, they stop pulling on each other and blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves with love and share that love with each other, instead of always trying to get love, the relationship heals.
Learning how to take100% responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing to create your own feelings, instead of being a victim and believing that others are causing your feelings.
Your feelings come from how you treat yourself and others, from what you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself and others, rather than from others behavior. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to major relationship problems.
Why not start today by taking your eyes off your partner and putting them squarely on yourself? In reality, you are the only one you actually have control over. You are the only one you can change.
Re: So who see's there life in this article I pulled off the net techick: SO VERY TRUE!!!!
I read a LOT during my failed marriage and I learned one thing, I hoep it's right, but it fits here.
Blaming him does no good, trying to change him does no good, and who am I to say that he needs to change anyway!
BUT I can change ME and I can take responsibility for MY own emotions and actions. They only way he or another can control them is if I GIVE them that control. NOw I didn't want to lose my humanity but I need to learn that I didn't need to live in my own hell.....fyi, he was in hell too and that was a consideration also, @sshole though he may be, I don't want to keep him in hell either.....SO, I agree with this wholeheartedly! Don't lose your humanity and ALWAYS be true to yourself, but realize that the world is made up of many kinds of people and that you need to find someone like YOU. Dont stand around and blame or try to change another, even IF it is justified or would help THEM out, just don't get caught up in all that! Go on, in peace, find someone that you are a good partner too and is a good partner to you and leave others to find their own way and their own relationships. That's not to say, nicely and without a hidden agenda, to someone that you see they are hurting themselves or that you feel that they are and to give a brief on why you feel this way, but then let them take over and get themselves better.
I know my XH was hurting, but without helping himself and with keeping me and the kids firmly on the outside of his life and his heart, there was nothign we could do but to watch him self-destruct, which I was NOT going to subject my children to watching and learning. My XBF was the same way, I guess I pick up people like that, I feel they have such good hearts and then I get caught in the fact that they feel they have been too hurt to love or trust and then I get rear-ended for it, but that's life I guess. This is me, for better or for worse. Yes, I am too soft, but at least I know that I am not an emotional slave to these people anymore. I care for them and I try to help them, but I draw a firm line now. I may have some pain from loving them and I may have some pain from having to leave them when I know they are hurting but this is the best compromise I can come up with to be true to myself and not let myslef be ruined on a continuing basis.
Re: So who see's there life in this article I pulled off the net minneapolis: Me.
I see myself in this with the boyfriend I had before my husband, with my now ex-husband and with the best friend I've found since my ex left me.
Sh!t. I'm f'd up.
Re: So who see's there life in this article I pulled off the net cyncyn_22: [quote author=dontgetit link=topic=22068.msg205477#msg205477 date=1132981463">
Why not start today by taking your eyes off your partner and putting them squarely on yourself? In reality, you are the only one you actually have control over. You are the only one you can change.
[/quote">
Holy crap! I never thought of it that way!
I see some of myself in this. I think I'm more of a Caretaker. I don't really think about myself very often. I always put others ahead of myself. I think this stems from the fact that I love people and love to help people, maybe too much in fact.
Me and my therapist had a long discussion about codependency a few weeks back. We talked about my codependent tendencies, and she came to the conclusion that my codependent-ness (I think that's a word ;D), is pretty much in the normal range.
But still, I need to do what the article says and concentrate on my feelings, not the feelings of others.
Good article dontgetit, thanks for sharing!!! :) :) :)
cyncyn_22
Re: So who see's there life in this article I pulled off the net whatnext: Yeah, me, big time caretaker.
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