Husband who's finding it difficult to figure it all out Adacus: Where to begin...
I know this may not be the best forum for posting this, but I'm currently at a fork in the path of my marriage and I feel as if I have nowhere to turn at the moment. I've read through a good number of postings here, and given some of the sound advice I've read, thought some of you might offer some insights.
I've been married to my wife of 2 years (together for 5). Our life together has been pretty good. I love her dearly, and we connected very strongly at very "souful" level since we started dating.
When we first started to get serious about our relationship (2001), she approached me about how I felt about children. I've always been very gray on the thoughts of having children, as my upbringing was pretty crappy. But I loved her, and hoped that marriage/therapy would make me more comfortable with the idea of having children.
We're now both 35, my wife has stated she wants to become pregnant within the next year. Somewhat obviously, I havent come to terms with being a dad. To which, we're now at a place where we're considering separation/divorce because I'm still not ready to be a parent. Obviously, this is very easy for a guy to say. But I understand my wife's place and not sure how to proceed.
I've tried imagining a life my wife and kids and something about it doesn't feel right. I've explored the topic in therapy a number of times. And while it always feels based in my childhood, I havent come to terms with how to feel comfortable with the notion of having children. I've also tried imagining my life without her, and it obviously causes much heartache.
Now, to make matters more complicated:
One downside to our relationship is that while my wife and I have always been very connected at a personal level, our sex life was never very active. Sine we started dating, our sex life was a once in a couple of months thing - then it became less and less, and is now at a point where we haven't had sex in about a year. This is probably an obvious red flag, but my wife and I never saw it as being anything more than not being in the mood. Obviously, it was much more than that. It's made me question whether I ever found my wife attractive (particularly lately, more below), and was solely looking at how strongly we connected as friends.
To add to this, this past year I became involved with another woman. It never progressed to a sexual affair (something she wanted, but I resisted), but it did cause me to stop and reflect that something is inherently broken with my marriage. I became very close with this other woman, but given it never progressed into a sexual relationship, she soon lost interest and became involved with someone else. Unfortunately, I had strong sexual feelings for her (something I don't recall having for my wife), but didn't want to disrespect my wife/marriage.
So now, I have these feelings to deal with. A loving wife who wants children and a life with me, but my feelings towards her as a woman are less than they should be and my feelings for having kids with her are not there.
I feel terrible because I obviously can't share these honest feelings with her and I've also felt as if I've wasted her time. I also havent turned to any friends because I feel ashamed that this is coming up now, as well as not wanting to share anything about my extramarital relationship.
I just wish I had a better sense of my feelings prior to our becoming serious. Now I have to figure out whether to just let her go so she can get the live she wants/needs or continue the search with becoming more comfortable with her as a woman and with me as a dad.
Sorry for the long story - any thoughts or opinions would be welcomed.
Re: Husband who's finding it difficult to figure it all out lilly10: Hi Adacus,
I just read your story and think that you really need to sit down and have a talk with your wife. You dont sound to happy and seems you are holding everything in. Before you even think any further about having kids I would address your extramarital affair (even if you didnt have sex!). Please dont be like my ex and live a lie because you are afraid of huring someone. Your marriage is always worth working on. If your wife has no clue about what is going on with you and your thoughts and esp the affair then she is in for a shocker. Be honest with your wife that is the best advise I can give you!
Re: Husband who's finding it difficult to figure it all out JerniganReturns: Adacus,
That was a very honest and clear-headed confession.
Couple of things:
I would endorse being equally honest with your wife. It seems as though you feel obligated to stay in the relationship because you sense guilt about "wasting her time." That is a risk you run in any relationship---marriage or not. Guilt, however, is not a solid foundation upon which to build the future of your marriage.
Yes, the sexless---or practically sexless---marriage doesn't bode well. However, this can be remedied, I believe. Does the topic ever come up? Do one of you ever look at the other and ask, "What's the deal here?" At 35, both of you should still have healthy sexual desires. Especially your wife.
So you changed your mind about the kid thing. Yes, this might upset her, but it would be worse to have a child with that attitude. I know a lot---and I mean a lot of couples that were in your predicament. Some of them thought that having a child would smooth things over, add a dimension to the marriage that was previously missing. If anything, however, it exacerbated the problems. And some of these couples---okay, 2 out of 3---have ended up divorced, with kids that aren't even yet 12 months old!
Can you imagine? Now, that's a nightmare.
I can go on and on, but you get my point. Honesty is the best policy in this circumstance. Counselling might help your situation out. But now's the time to proceed and put your cards on the table.
Re: Husband who's finding it difficult to figure it all out Adacus: [quote author=lilly10 link=topic=22077.msg205599#msg205599 date=1133032746">
Hi Adacus,
I just read your story and think that you really need to sit down and have a talk with your wife. You dont sound to happy and seems you are holding everything in. Before you even think any further about having kids I would address your extramarital affair (even if you didnt have sex!). Please dont be like my ex and live a lie because you are afraid of huring someone. Your marriage is always worth working on. If your wife has no clue about what is going on with you and your thoughts and esp the affair then she is in for a shocker. Be honest with your wife that is the best advise I can give you!
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Thanks for your thoughts, Lilly.
My wife and I have discussed it a number of times, and continue to do so - both in and out of counseling. While the "kids or no?" conversation is what we often discuss, I havent had the courage to discuss why I'm not attacted to her. There just doesnt seem to be a nice way to even bring it up, and I imagine it would make her feel terrible. Quite ironically (and may be not so), my last significant relationship ended with my ex-gf telling me she didn't find me attractive any longer. While I could acknowledge her honesty, I felt pretty crappy afterwards.
But I do think you're right about the "better to be honest, than live a lie when you don't want to hurt someone." I just have a hard time knowing how and what to say. I'm definitely sure I don't want to mention this affair. It's pretty much over at this point, and I'm not sure telling her that I ventured outside our marriage will help the course of the conversation. To your point however, I think sharing that I'm unhappy is very important, and may get us to a point of dealing with what our future may look like - either together, or apart.
Re: Husband who's finding it difficult to figure it all out lilly10: [quote author=Adacus link=topic=22077.msg205617#msg205617 date=1133036485">
But I do think you're right about the "better to be honest, than live a lie when you don't want to hurt someone." I just have a hard time knowing how and what to say. I'm definitely sure I don't want to mention this affair. It's pretty much over at this point, and I'm not sure telling her that I ventured outside our marriage will help the course of the conversation. To your point however, I think sharing that I'm unhappy is very important, and may get us to a point of dealing with what our future may look like - either together, or apart.
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Here is the thing Adacus I feel that yes this would be very difficult to come out and tell your wife. Some people may disagree with me on this one but I think that your wife deserves to know. She needs to be able to make the decision wheather or not she can forgive this. I know some people feel that what you dont know cant hurt you but I just dont feel that way. I just dont think it is right to come out and tell the truth about one thing yet leave out another.
Are you still in love with your wife??
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