Re: Husband who's finding it difficult to figure it all out Adacus: [quote author=JerniganReturns link=topic=22077.msg205614#msg205614 date=1133036107">
Adacus,
That was a very honest and clear-headed confession.
Couple of things:
I would endorse being equally honest with your wife. It seems as though you feel obligated to stay in the relationship because you sense guilt about "wasting her time." That is a risk you run in any relationship---marriage or not. Guilt, however, is not a solid foundation upon which to build the future of your marriage.[/quote">
Yes, you're spot on about that one. But it is something that's showing up for me, as I had hoped that I would feel better about being a parent by now. I've shared this with her, and while she understands, it doesn't make things any easier.
[quote"> Yes, the sexless---or practically sexless---marriage doesn't bode well. However, this can be remedied, I believe. Does the topic ever come up? Does one of you ever look at the other and ask, "What's the deal here?" At 35, both of you should still have healthy sexual desires. Especially your wife. [/quote">
It's true, we both do. To be upfront, I've been mostly the problem with this one as of late. When she has expressed interest in sex, I've often declined. Again, there's something of issue here, its hard to understand why I'm not attracted. I've wondered if its because she doesn't "do it" for me (seems pretty shallow), as reflecting back on women that I do find attractive, she doesn't fall into the category. Still, I moved forward in our relationship - in part because we connected so strongly, and also hoping that our love would eventually have me see the inner beauty that she has. Obviously, I'm searching for answers here and still a bit clueless. :(
[quote"> So you changed your mind about the kid thing. Yes, this might upset her, but it would be worse to have a child with that attitude. I know a lot---and I mean a lot of couples that were in your predicament. Some of them thought that having a child would smooth things over, add a dimension to the marriage that was previously missing. If anything, however, it exacerbated the problems. And some of these couples---okay, 2 out of 3---have ended up divorced, with kids that aren't even 12 months old yet!
Can you imagine? Now, that's a nightmare.[/quote">
Exactly. It's one of the key reasons I'm/we're in turmoil. I don't want us to be another year into our relationship, and then I still have these feelings and now have children in the picture as well. I come from a broken home and know how crappy that is on everyone. As you mentioned, I'd hate to go into being a dad, hoping that I might change my mind.
Thanks for hearing me out about this. I'm glad some of it was clear enough to understand - even if the situation doesn't yield any "right" choices.
Re: Husband who's finding it difficult to figure it all out Adacus: [quote author=lilly10 link=topic=22077.msg205625#msg205625 date=1133037439">
Here is the thing Adacus I feel that yes this would be very difficult to come out and tell your wife. Some people may disagree with me on this one but I think that your wife deserves to know. She needs to be able to make the decision wheather or not she can forgive this. I know some people feel that what you dont know cant hurt you but I just dont feel that way. I just dont think it is right to come out and tell the truth about one thing yet leave out another. [/quote">
I understand your position on this. I'm not sure what to say. Knowing my wife, she would probably blow a gasket and I'm not sure she would forgive me. I know I've already wronged her and us.
[quote"> Are you still in love with your wife?? [/quote">
My initial response is "Yes." But given how I don't have this real desire to have a family with her (and relatedly, be intimate with her), saying I'm still in love with her doesn't sync up. Yet, I can't say I fall into the "I love you, but not in love with you" group. This is also why I'm really conflicted.
Re: Husband who's finding it difficult to figure it all out turboss: Adacus...I can kind of relate to your story. I wanted to have kids desperately and my husband didn't really care one way or another. Being a mother was always something that I have wanted for sooo long, so I can relate to how your wife fees (except you would have to time hers by about 10 b/c she is a little older than me so I know this is something that she is hurting about). As far as sexually, I was there too. My husband and I was not very sexually active and I didn't love the sex with him and often found myself wondering could you spend your life with someone who you didn't have those feelings about...well, trust me it CAN change. I just woke up one morning and said that I was going to do something to spice it up "for myself" and guess what it spiced it up for both of us...try different things...trust me, if you feel not sexually attracted to her and she isn't trying to do it much either..she probably feels the same way. But, please don't do anything hasty...it CAN be fixed....do some crazy sex things...role play...watch "movies"...anything....hope this helped...
turboss\
Re: Husband who's finding it difficult to figure it all out Adacus: [quote author=turboss link=topic=22077.msg205769#msg205769 date=1133063958">
Adacus...I can kind of relate to your story. I wanted to have kids desperately and my husband didn't really care one way or another. Being a mother was always something that I have wanted for sooo long, so I can relate to how your wife fees (except you would have to time hers by about 10 b/c she is a little older than me so I know this is something that she is hurting about). As far as sexually, I was there too. My husband and I was not very sexually active and I didn't love the sex with him and often found myself wondering could you spend your life with someone who you didn't have those feelings about...well, trust me it CAN change. I just woke up one morning and said that I was going to do something to spice it up "for myself" and guess what it spiced it up for both of us...try different things...trust me, if you feel not sexually attracted to her and she isn't trying to do it much either..she probably feels the same way. But, please don't do anything hasty...it CAN be fixed....do some crazy sex things...role play...watch "movies"...anything....hope this helped...
turboss\
[/quote">
Thanks for the advice, turboss. There is a part of me that is optimistic about it. That we have a strong enough relationship in all other regards, that we can correct this facet of it. I hope so.
I find it funny that I'm on these forums. In the light of everything, I'm the initiator (to use the term) in this marriage - not her. She's been saying that she wants it to work out, while I've been the one saying "maybe it can't." Yet, I'm perusing these forums. Seeing postings of people who have been on the receiving end of a breakup. I guess I'm just trying to gather perspective for myself. To understand, not only how to proceed but the consequences and impacts.
Re: Husband who's finding it difficult to figure it all out turboss: That is such a good thing though Adacus. The fact that you actually took time out to consider the other person's feelings before making a haste and selfish decision...that is something to be applauded for...so let me be the first! I think that it takes a lot of courage (and LOVE) to actually seek out answers before you jump into something big like that. I don't see any real problems between you guys that CAN"T be fixed....I mean, you love each other right? People say sometimes "love" isn't enough...well, hell yes it is...if BOTH of you love each other enough to work out the quirks...it will ALWAYS be enough.
Turboss
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