Alone Time? TaoChick: I've been divorced for several months and had a failed rebound relationship right afterwards. I've recently decided that the best thing for me is to be alone for a while, to rediscover myself and explore my own interests for a change. Although I think this is the best route for me to take right now, I nonetheless find myself wondering about partner potentials with different guys I know. I think I still have this desire to fill the void in my life that my ex left. And I don't want to capitulate to this desire.
So, here are a couple of my questions:
1. What are your opinions on how long someone should spend alone after a divorce? Or what are the signs that alone time is needed or is unnecessary?
2. How have you dealt with being alone? I mean, what works for you in terms of making everything okay or at least bearable? (I find it very difficult to focus on my work while alone in my house. It's as if the emptiness stifles my ability to concentrate.)
Re: Alone Time? ChiefWiggum: I deal with being alone by never being home except when I'm sleeping. I work late or go out (softball or other activities). I cannot stand to be home alone, especially at night.
CW
Re: Alone Time? flowersdirtandgardengirl:
All things in moderation. It depends on who you are inherently, what your comfort level is, and what work you think you need to do on yourself. If your natural homebody that never goes out with groups of friends but is constantly jumping from one relationship fray to the next, I'd reckon 'alone time' would be getting out more socially, in a non-romantic context. Vice versa for the opposite scenario.
Do what feels right, until it starts to feel wrong. Stay home until you feel nuts with it. Personally I love the fact that I finally enjoy my alone time again, myself. But it took about 2 months of netflicks and self-help books to get me there.
You are right to not jump into yet another failed rebound with someone who may be good for you sometime down the road but definitely not now. Maybe it was a good anesthetic at first, something to dull the initial pain, I'll give you that. But we all know that ship will only sink, now or later.
;D
~gg
Re: Alone Time? JimB: Alone time: very important, IMO.
[quote author=TaoChick link=topic=22520.msg209412#msg209412 date=1134005189">
1. What are your opinions on how long someone should spend alone after a divorce? Or what are the signs that alone time is needed or is unnecessary?[/quote">
I think it's always necessary - it's important to hit that inner "reset" button and become acclimated to being alone. To me, the key to enjoying dating is understanding that I have a viable alternative choice in spending quality time with myself. Attaching too much importance to the outcome of a date is a sure fire way to get one's heart broken time and again....
As to how long, that is totally your call. Probably however long it takes for being alone to become tolerable, if not enjoyable.
[quote">
2. How have you dealt with being alone? I mean, what works for you in terms of making everything okay or at least bearable? (I find it very difficult to focus on my work while alone in my house. It's as if the emptiness stifles my ability to concentrate.)
[/quote">
The key is understanding that there's nothing inherently wrong with being alone, and looking at the positives. A possible approach to this would be to examine the negative emotion (loneliness), come up with a list of reasons why you are feeling that way, and then come up with a list of positives associated with being alone that correspond to the list of negatives. (Can you tell I'm a "list" person? :D) For example, a negative would be "nobody to talk to", but a corresponding positive would be "no drama".
Just keeping your mind occupied is also important. Spend some time establishing some personal goals you would like to accomplish, and lay out the means by which you'll get there. (Losing weight and getting in shape are easy ones, due to the lack of desire to eat and the stress-based energy that needs an outlet.) Find some new hobbies - things you've always wanted to try but the stbx didn't have time for or didn't approve of. The more you accomplish, the more you'll be able to see your situation in a positive light.
Hope that helps....
Re: Alone Time? ChiefWiggum:
Jim, this is a fantastic posts (one that I will probably remember forever). Your "viable alternative" struck a chord with me. Great stuff!
CW
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