Re: Alone Time? TaoChick: Thanks everyone! gg and ChiefWiggum, I think you are definitely right about me needing to get out of the house and socialize more. And Jim B, I like your list idea and will use it. Your idea made me realize that I might be attaching stigmas to being alone that stem from societal prescriptions rather than my own values. I did start doing stuff that was hindered by my ex, but I got bogged down with school and recently stopped; I'll start again after the semester ends b/c I did think those activities helped a lot with my self-esteem and getting back in touch with myself. I also appreciate your advice about waiting for aloneness to become enjoyable; I can see that helping to relieve a lot of anxiety when I do start dating again. And stanker, I do have a tendency to rely on SOs to ground me. But, as you point out, it's more productive to be alone when thinking and trying to create things--like the end-of-semester research papers that are currently looming over me :o. In some ways, it's a lot easier to go through grad school alone rather than having the additional pressure of also maintaining a relationship. Thanks all for helping me put these things into perspective! I feel so fortunate that I found this ojar community.
Re: Alone Time? ohill: 1. It's really hard to say how long someone should spend alone after a divorce. I've heard everything from "whenever you think you're ready" to the formulaic approach of "wait one year for every 4 years of marriage."
My marriage was short (18 mos start to finish). I personally have felt a strong pull to get involved in other relationships after my divorce. To start something new would numb the pain, soothe the loneliness, provide a fun fresh start, etc... I'm sure that it would feel great for a time...but I know in my head that all of those things are just temporary anesthetic. Since my divorce in July I have spent a lot of time making new friends, rekindling relationships with old ones, and just being more social in general. The few times that I had opportunities to "date" somebody, I have politely backed away (for both of our sakes) and had "define the relationship" talks. All of these situations have involved women who are looking for a long-term relationship, and I'm just not there yet. It wouldn't be fair to mislead...
2. In terms of being alone, I have just suffered through it (and tried to learn from it). I'm much better now than I was 6 months ago. The only time I really feel pangs of "aloneness" in a negative way are at night when I sometimes instinctively reach for her and nobody is there...I guess parts of me still haven't internalized that this is over...
Sometimes I embrace being alone, and sometimes I'm not such a big fan of it. Generally, I spend far less time at home than I once did. I eat out virtually every meal, and I usually try to find a colleague or friend to spend the time with. I have basically tried to make lemonade out of lemons. I have found great friends and I have also had time to internalize things more. I find myself being more comfortable in my own skin, and I like that. Even though this experience has been the worst ever, there are good thing coming out of it and out of being alone.
Essentially, I think that a person is ready to date again when he/she has an honest comfort level with functioning totally alone. I think that for things to truly work out, two "complete" people need to come together, not two "incomplete" people who are looking for someone else to fill a void.
