just a bunch of crap I had to get out flowersdirtandgardengirl: How many times I'll have to go through this. How many articles about Jennifer Anniston do I need to read, how many of his emails do I have to read, how many times do I have to see the sick and terrible truth before I'll truly be over this?
How much more weight do I have to loose before I feel like someone might ever find me attractive again? How many times do I have to talk myself down off this ledge? How much more do I need to understand that he is a total piece of sh-t, that he is immature, unrealistic, totally devoid of ambition, function, accountability, honestly and kindness before I get it through my thick f-ing skull? How many more times do I have to tell myself that he left me for greener pastures and not even actual pastures that even exist somewhere, but just some lame idea of them and that he will ONLY be unhappy for the rest of his life; how many more times do I have to remind myself better now than later, than after I had strong-armed him into marriage, or worse, we had children. Before I gave up my chances for school and a future and a life for good. How many more times do I have to remember that I am too young, too normal, too good, too consistent, too intelligent, too kind, too honest, too open, too reliable, too happy with how I am to EVER be happy with who he is.
How many times do I have to remember that he is practicing his act and his schtick with every girl he meets, that he is trying to force them into the thing he thought he was missing out on SO BADLY when we were together so that he doesn't have to face up to the truth? How many times do I have to be reminded of the painful fact that he never really loved me, he just loved some idea of who he thought I was, way back in the beginning. And that he talked sh-t about me for over half the time that we were together, that he stayed with me out of a f-ed up sense of obligation. That he has, and will continue to, only ever blamed me for his unhappiness, say mean and derogatory things about me and probably still thinks I wasn't good enough.
How much more do I need to understand in the abstract and the actual that I feel in love--hard, real, heavy--with someone who isn't, who just plain isn't. Isn't as great or smart or talented or capable or good or kind or loving or honest or realistic or competent or charming or interesting as I may have thought.
For how long will I hold out in this maelstrom of love for such a completely f-ed up and totally unworthy person?
<wants to pull her hair out already>
Re: just a bunch of crap I had to get out Lumpy: Until your head convinces your heart that it's stupid. Your mileage may vary.
Re: just a bunch of crap I had to get out flowersdirtandgardengirl: I'm not done....please pay no mind, I'm just slowly losing mine.
You could have been good.
You could have been kind.
You could have said, it wasn't our time. We want different things from life. She wants to practice medicine in third world countries, plant rose gardens, raise kids. I want to be the international man of mystery, get drunk and laid in third world countries and tell people I want kids if it means they might sleep with me.
You could have said, she was good and not what I'm looking for.
You could have given me some credit, something to remember besides this, something a little bit more like respect.
You could have protected me.
You could have remembered that I was your friend for so many years before this. That I was there for you when you were down or drunk or lost or maudalin, that I championed you, believed in you, trusted you.
You could have been good. Much better than this.
You could have been brave, you could have been kind.
You could have been honest.
You could have said thank you, for the time that we gave, for the work and the effort, for the honesty and the care. Thank you for giving up what you gave, I'm happy I gave up something too.
You could have done any number of things, instead you did this. You could have given more, you could have given less.
You could have been good, much better than this.
Re: just a bunch of crap I had to get out barelybreathing: Don't give up five minutes before the miracle.
I like your "you could have" words. It has inspired me of doing the same thing. (Because they are not accountible nor around for the exchange) we are left to swim in the filth.)
You have the gift of "knowing". He does not, he is searching.
You have the ability of have foresight, hindsight and insight. He has sight in mind.
You have a heart, compassion, understanding. He is cold, heartless, self absorbed and confused.
He will chase pipe dreams constantly. You dream but realistically. You are grounded by your wisdom.
You are far in a better place. Let go and Let God.
BB
Re: just a bunch of crap I had to get out flowersdirtandgardengirl:
Be kind, be brave, be generous. Be willing to let this go.
Move away from this, this thing of murkiness and sadness and uncertainity. You are so close, you know this. You are at the threshold, still resistant to let go. Be kind, be brave, be okay with this. Move into something better, a love more magnificent. Move away from his flights and his fancy and his frivolity. Move away from the habit and pattern and routine of him, of such lazy, half-formed love. You are so close, you can let this go.
Without question, both of you are undeserving of one another. Inverse was your love. Move away from this, move on to something better.
Be kind. Be brave. Be adventurous. Be willing to let this go.
The End, she said.
(At least, it is for today :-\).
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