So glad I found OJAR... dragonfly: I’ve been looking for you all a long time…it’s been almost a year now.
A little background, my X and I were together almost 12 years, married 3 ½ years of that, no children (though we tried), and just about a year ago, he admitted to having an affair with a friend of mine, that she was pregnant with his child and he was in love and wanted to be with her.
We had always been the couple all our friends wanted to be, had the relationship they all strived to have and I was happy. Now a year later, I realize my perception of our marriage was completely different from his…or at least different from what he remembers now. Things IMHO were good up until he got a job transfer and we moved from our home where we had pretty much grown up our whole lives to a place 2 states away. I know it was hard for both of us, and I know that I, for the first time in our entire relationship fell apart a bit and couldn’t hold it together like usual. I was always the optimist and he was the pessimist…I think we both entered a depression shortly after our move and it took its toll on both of us. However, instead of him talking to me or working with me on things, he withdrew and got sucked in with this OW. Her and her husband were “friends” we met while on vacation who became vacation buddies. I kept in touch with them and kept our friendship going until our last vacation together. That I came to find out later was the start of the affair. I turned a blind eye, giving him his “space”, praying and hoping that he’d get over what ever it was and work things out with me. Little did I know that “space” was just making it easier for him to have his affair and get her pregnant. He asked me for a divorce because he was in love with her and “knew” it was his baby even though she was still sleeping with her husband as well. I got the whole, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, and for a while I joked that he was just going through a quarter-life crisis because he wasn't old enough to have a mid-life crisis. Fast forward…I moved back home, shortly after, so did he with the OW in tow. I told him at one point when he asked why I was pushing to end things, I told him that he ended it when he slept with her and asked me to leave so he could be with her, I was just handling the paperwork. They lived here in my home town, trying to be friends with all our old friends, and trying to be “friends” with me as well, until about a month ago when they moved again, out of state, with their son. Yup, they had the baby and I heard the paternity test proved it is my X’s. Ironically, the baby was born the day the judge signed our final divorce decree.
It’s been unbelievably hard. To not only deal with my fairytale coming to an end, the double betrayal, the divorce and adjusting to my new life, but having them flaunt their life together in my face, some of my friends turning their backs on me to be with them, and him having the ability to F with my head and my heart so easily. At least twice in the last year he made feeble attempts to reconcile, but after one attempt, called me two days later when she returned from her attempt at reconciliation with her X, to just say never mind, she’s coming back. Her X is another story, he remains friends with them, has helped them when he can and still hasn’t filed for divorce.
I lost about 40lbs at the start, saw a therapist for a while, and went on a little self destructive journey for a little while. Now I see my therapist for “boosters”, I’m dating a wonderful guy, I’ve got a good job, a home and I know I’m well on my way to healing. But these holidays are tough, I definitely relapse into early stages of grief, and I sometimes have a hard time with the NO contact thing. Mostly when he text messages or e-mails me, which is when he F’s with my head and heart because even though I realize it’s got to be guilt, he says things that confuse me. Things like, “I miss you, I will always love you, I can’t see a future without you, I need you in my life, I’ll always worry about you”, blah, blah, blah. There is a huge part of me that wishes he meant those things because he still loved me and wanted me back, but then I think that’s a silly thing to want when I don’t want him back. Months ago there was a chance, but now he’s killed any part of me that would have been willing to reconcile.
So now I’m just looking for ways to keep my healing on track, a place to vent about things my married friends and single friends who’ve never been married can understand, to get advice and hopefully make this process a little less lonely. And if I can help someone else out even a little, I know I'll be okay.
Thanks, looking forward...
Re: So glad I found OJAR... PickingUpThePieces: Hi and welcome to Ojar. :)
You'll find a great support network here. This is a roller coaster ride; at times you will feel better and at times you will feel bad, even though much time has passed.
On thing I noted: you are having a hard time with your ex emailing and text messaging you. Can you ask him not to do this (do you want to)? Or can you change your email address and cell phone # so that he can't do these things anymore? Often no contact really helps with the healing process.
Again, welcome to Ojar. :)
Re: So glad I found OJAR... dragonfly: Thanks for the welcome!
To answer your question, I have asked him to stop. Several times, even pleaded with him once to just leave me alone...explained that it just wasn't healthy for me and kept opening the wounds like ripping open stitches and having to have the wound stitched up again. He respects my request for a few weeks...the longest was 2 months...then he starts up again. Usually with a request for help on something...most recently was selling his car, that's in my name, even though I signed the title over to him months ago. He also started asking if I'd renegotiate our divorce settlement, saying that I took advantage of his guilt...even though I took about $20K less than what the court would have granted me I somehow took advantage of him.
I have so much tied up with my email address and cell phone, work stuff, credit stuff, bank stuff, etc...that it would be such a hassle to change things. Heck, I even kept my married last name so I wouldn't have to deal with the hassle of switching stuff. Everything was so difficult and so much that the less I had to deal with the better, since if I had left it up to him, we'd still be married...he had no problem staying married to me while living with and having a baby with the OW.
A friend of mine said I just need to be a bitch to him, she says I'm too nice with my requests to be left alone and as long as his guilt is eating away at him, he'll keep contacting me or projecting his anger onto me. This last time, I was a little harder, but we'll see if it works. I doubt it, even with his move. At least I don't have to run into him and the OW with their new baby around town anymore.
Thanks!
Re: So glad I found OJAR... bbygrl: Hi Dragonfly,
I just found this site last night....I really felt like I was the only person in the world that had been betrayed this way.....it breaks my heart that others feel like I do right now, but it makes everything more bareable to find this support. I am happy to hear you are dating a nice man, it gives me hope, I am so far from that right now. I don't trust anybody male, or female,friend or family,right now. Anyways...you finally found Ojar, and it will help you through the downs you have, that I am glad to hear are less and less!! Take good care, these holidays are rough on us in transition :)
Re: So glad I found OJAR... dragonfly: Hi bbygrl,
I use to feel the same way...I felt like I was living a Jerry Springer episode...my husband, my friend, her husband...it was all I could do to keep sane. I was amazed when I found OJAR how many other people know "exactly" what I'm going through.
I am glad for my network of support with friends and family, it was an immense help. And this guy that I've been seeing has really helped me keep faith in love and people, even though I am definitely less trusting and more cautious than ever before. He's an old friend, we reconnected about 8mos after I left my X and I'm extremely honest with him on where I'm at with things and my feelings. He understands, is patient and says I'm worth the risk. So I keep my faith and stay positive...
If things work out with him, wonderful...if not, I will never forget how he helped me.
Thanks for responding...and I feel ya on the holidays...I'm still contemplating a trip somewhere warm and tropical and just skipping the whole xmas thing... ;)
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