Re: Is he sincere or playing games? frontier74: Yep. He is being selfish and unfair to you. In the end though, the situation is what it is. Knowing that you have no control over what he does with his life, what are you willing to do to change it, if anything? Is it worth it to you to wait around for a payoff that may never come?
Re: Is he sincere or playing games? Beren: What was his marriage and divorce like? It's hard to explain how deeply and in how many different ways divorce changes us, and not always for the better, either. I can completely relate to feeling like "not wanting to get hurt or hurt another person ever again."
Two possibilities cross my mind. Maybe he's one of those people who's kind of like, "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you, either." On the other hand, maybe you've set the bar too high for him, and he's not sure he can live up to it. He knows he won't be allowed to just let things progress at a pace that's natural and comfortable and safe for him.
I've thought about this sort of thing a lot in the last several months. I think women make this mistake a lot, that by constantly testing and examining and trying to regulate the relationship, they completely remove any control, responsibility, or ownership of the relationship from their men. The men never really get the chance to figure out what they want. They barely even get enough of a chance to figure out whether they're willing to be led to where the women are trying to take them. When they get far enough behind in trying to process it all, then they dig their heels in the dirt and won't go any further.
I'm not saying this is you. I don't know enough from what you've written to say anything conclusive about anything.
Beren
Re: Is he sincere or playing games? Single1: No, I can't wait because it may never happen. Every time I do try to move on, he comes creeping back around and we have these huge set backs. So (hypothetically), if moving on isn't an option....then I don't know what I can do to change how he feels other than be kind, be honest, continue to prove that I would never intentionally hurt him, encourage him to follow his heart...and I've also offered to go to therapy with him. Am I missing anything here?
Re: Is he sincere or playing games? Single1: This is a reply to Beren -
His marriage was contentious before it even began. He's told me that he should've never married her. Their divorce was worse, especially the child custody/visitation piece. I am under the impression that he & his ex wife have a much more civil relationship now but I'm not around to know whether this is the case or not. Here's the interesting thing about the pace of our relationship - HE set it. This man chased me like no other. I was initially very hesitant to even date him until his divorce was finalized but he was adamant that he was ready. HE gave me a key to his place (I never gave him one to mine), HE would call me his future "Mrs so & so," he introduced me to his family first and to his son earlier than I thought I should have. It took me awhile to catch up to him, to be honest with you. But when I finally did is when he started to slow it down. And that's why this is all so confusing & shocking to me. I simply followed his lead.
As far as "I don't want you but no one else can have you." I flat out asked him that last night after he drove by my house. His response to that was, "When have I ever said I did not want you? Never."
So, he claims to want me.....but is doing nothing about it.
I have offered to slow things down, start over, wait, take it back a few levels.......
I think he scared himself by moving so fast.....but now he's moving so slow in either letting me go or working things out.
Re: Is he sincere or playing games? Beren: Okay, yeah, it doesn't sound like a case of you not giving him enough breathing room to figure out what he wants, but I had to ask, you know?
This sounds like a really frustrating situation. He wants you (so he claims), you're available, and yet he refuses to "close the deal." What gives? I do understand being reticent to get back into marriage again. Even "easy" divorces are very hard and excruciatingly painful. Like I said, I don't think it always changes us for the better. So I can cut him some slack on that much of it. Still, I can't get over the (apparent) simplicity of it. If he wants you and you want him, what's the freaking problem?
What is he like otherwise? Is he a very emotional person, or rather rational? Easygoing, or high-strung? What was his upbringing like? Has he ever talked about other relationships outside of his marriage? What's he like with his family?
I'm not sure where I'm going with all of these questions. I'm just trying to find a better answer than that he's just a big meanie who's toying with you. Though I guess that's possible, too.
Beren
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