Re: My story Dont-want-one: Wow.. so many replies in so little time. Thanks all. I am not sure If I should answer the age question... I did not realize until after posting this is an "under 35 group". I am 35 and my wife is 36. We don't have children, and I think that is what set it off this time. We have been trying to have kids for many years via IVF. It was not working... I suggested adoption and she does not want to adopt, she doesn't want to go through the time when the adopted child will wonder about the birth parents and start looking for them... maybe I pushed adoption too much. I am 99.9 % sure she is not having an affair. When she is not at work, she is here with me. We do still live together for now... we are looking for a condo for me.
I am really not sure what I am going to do. I love her so much that this is killing me inside. Many Many years ago, I had major depression and she helped me though it. Now I am starting to slide back into the depression and it is making me think of stuff I have not considered in years. I am having major trouble falling a sleep at night and am relying heavily on sleeping pills to get me to bed at night.
Re: My story manda: Don't worry about the age thing. Since this site came first, we have many people who have stayed here even though they are older.
I think since you know that depression may be an obstacle for you, you really should consider some individual counseling sessions for right now. And try to build some daily healthy habits--working out or something.
She might not be having an affair. My husband was/is not. Things just change sometimes.
I know you are hurting. Try to take it one hour at a time. Try not to get into negative self-thoughts...
Re: My story RSGinATX: DW1,
The 'love you but don't want to be married to you' scenario usually follows some other change that points to the real problem. Were there any behavioral changes you saw in the preceding months/years? Signs of depression, withdrawal from intimacy, increased or decreased socializing, anger, vagueness, change in appearance..things like that. Also, did you see any changes in her after she turned 30?
Whatever is making her feel unfulfilled, she is associating that with you/your marriage. You're most likely not going to be able to talk her out of it. And, since even she is not 100% sure what that is you could end up creating more problems by trying. As others have said, the only real way to change that is to let go and hope she sees differently when she's had time to feel her choice out.
Re: My story Dont-want-one: [quote author=RSGinATX link=topic=22580.msg209950#msg209950 date=1134175575">
DW1,
The 'love you but don't want to be married to you' scenario usually follows some other change that points to the real problem. Were there any behavioral changes you saw in the preceding months/years? Signs of depression, withdrawal from intimacy, increased or decreased socializing, anger, vagueness, change in appearance..things like that. Also, did you see any changes in her after she turned 30?
Whatever is making her feel unfulfilled, she is associating that with you/your marriage. You're most likely not going to be able to talk her out of it. And, since even she is not 100% sure what that is you could end up creating more problems by trying. As others have said, the only real way to change that is to let go and hope she sees differently when she's had time to feel her choice out.
[/quote">
The only problem I have with letting go is that if she decides she wants to be married after all, I have told her that she can't come back. I don't want to do this again in a few more months/years.... it is just too painful. There have been appearance changes ( she has lost weight, as have I ) we both let ourselves go over the last few years and are working on that... there has also been changes in intimacy.... in dealing with my depression, I have been taking medication prescribed by my doctor. It has some sexual side effects. After the last time this happened, I decided to cut off my medication and deal with the depression in other ways (I had been doing well until the divorce talk came up)..... but she and I have not been having sex as often as I would have liked... when I asked her why, she said it was hard to just start up having sex as much as we used to after being on a not-so-regular basis for a few years.
Also, I thought that some of the problem may be that we see each other too often... I really don't have many friends that I go out with on a regular basis, so one of the suggestions I made this time around was that maybe I should try to make new friends and go out more often.... but she is still undeterred. kinda funny though.... you watch TV and see all the wives that want their husbands around more than they are and here I am trying to get out to save my marriage....LOL
Re: My story dontgetit: Unless you are with her 24/7 I would not count out an affair - not to bring you down or anything, but I did not think my wife had time to find one and within 3 weeks of it starting she was living with him....Here is the reality - if this is sudden then something is up.....People just do not flip a switch unless there is a trigger....
Best of Luck
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