It's been tough... jimc: I have lookied and looked, but I was sure something like this didn't exist. It's nice to have a place to vent, and not have to see the expressions on people's faces in return. I plan to be here often... at least for the next little while. My wife and I were together for five years unmarried, and for one year married. She had an affair with her boss, moved out, lived with him for two months, and then has come back. It has been such a whirlwind of events, and I feel like I haven't had any time to gather any thoughts, much less actually come to terms with the heartache I felt when I found out. I still have not recieved one bit of information that she has herself volunteered, and she has been consistent only in her lying. We're arguing like crazy. I keep "digging" dirt out of the hole, causing it to get deeper, yet I feel that in order for us to climb out of the hole it needs to have a rock bottom. In other words, I don't want to climb halfway out, and then have the bottom cave in and sink because I didn't know all of the details of her affair. Am I insane for feeling that way? On the other hand, she has changed jobs, cut all contact with him, and even gone to counseling with me once (she left thirty minutes into it due to frustration with me). I don't know what to do. We're considering separation, and I'm starting to question how much it's worth it. No kids, no mortgage, and a lot of bad history. I've heard the term "starter marriage", and it made me chuckle, but I'm beginning to think that may be what this was. It's just that I came from a home broken twice by infedelity, and I never thought I'd be there myself. Rambling now, but it felt good. Thanks!
Re: It's been tough... lapse of reason: Wow. What can I say to ease some of this? I don't know.
I think the two of you need to sit down and talk and talk and talk. No arguing, no screaming, no accusations. Just talk and find out what each of you needs right now.
I think you should keep the counseling up. Keep trying. Do not give up until everything has been exhausted. If not, you might regret it in the long run.
Re: It's been tough... dontgetit: Let me give you some advise from someone who has been there...My wife ran off with a man 5 years ago - it lasted 4 months and then she came home............I accepted her back and told her I forgave her - thing is I had'nt, it poisoned our life from 2000 til 2005.....What happened in the end she left again (with another man)........So in fact I have been there twice.....
Here is my point if you expect this to work you have to LET GO of what happened....For you to know the details will only cause more questions (it is a never ending circle - you will never get the ONE answer that will fix you (even though you are searching for that magic bullet it JUST WONT HAPPEN) and in the end it will destroy any chance you have of creating a future together.....If you love this lady and want to be married sit her down tell her that you will never ask another question about it (and mean it), give her your trust with no strings attached (continue councelling as well - to get to the root cause, not to talk about the affair).....If I had it to do all over again I would absolutely LET IT GO and mean it........
Re: It's been tough... TaoChick: I second the advice that dontgetit and lapse of reason provided, and I underscore the importance of going back into counseling together and probably separately as well. You'll definitely need to let go of her past affair if there's to be any hope of making things work. And I really don't see that happening unless you both, on an individual basis, go to counseling. Marriage counseling is also essential, though. It should help mediate your differences and demonstrate how to communicate more effectively with each other.
Letting go of the past is so important. My husband and I lacked the ability to do that, which in turn soured our relationship and precipitated the circumstances that led to our divorce. But neither of us realized at the time that these past grudges were the starting point of our downward spiral.
I wish you the best of luck and am glad you found ojar!
