Hard, hard day...it's been awhile... jt5639: I really need to get this out, and talk to people who understand...
I'm having a very down, lonely day. I haven't cried like this in a while. I feel pretty pathetic...almost 10 months and I still think of him every single day. I do not want to feel like this anymore...I do not want to live my life like this.
I am so so scared of getting stuck here. I've had people ask me out, have a friend who expressed intrest in dating me...and I can't go there at all. I'm 27 and so scared that I lost the love of my life and will never love again.
I keep thinking lately that I fucked it all up...that I took him for granted...and if he couldn't stick around why would anyone? He was my first real love, my first real best friend, my family...I miss him so much...and he moved on in a blink of an eye. And the idiot that I am - I still actually have hope. It's so embarrassing to admit that, but I do.
I want so much more for myself, I want to be happy. I feel like I'm doing everything right? I'm working, reaching out to friends, running, moving on with my life...but I have not fully let go and I don't know how. I don't know if it's just more time that I need...but I am so terrified of taking up more time with this. I already look back at 2005 and see how this consumed my year...I can't have another year go by like this!
I'm too young, and so full of life and love...but I'm scared, and have walls around my heart, and still hang onto hope, and miss him so much, and am so frustrated that I can't get over this already! I do not want this for myself. I want to be happy, to be confident, to truly feel what I tell myself...that I deserve better than someone who did not talk to me about his feelings, who held everything in until "it was too late", who is of a character that can jump right into a new relationship...who did not have as much faith and hope in love as I did.
I am so scared that this will shape me negatively...how do I keep this from doing so? How do I stop thinking about him everyday...I am so frustraed and do not want to feel this way anymore... I thought that would be the turning point - but I've felt this way for months.
Any thoughts or words are appreciated.
Re: Hard, hard day...it's been awhile... jadedangel: [color=navy"> Jt --
I could of written alot of this ... I am 28 and it's been 9 months for me ...Everyday I wonder ... Everyday I have at least one sad thought -- Everyday I just want to call him and ask him "why?" ... just one more time -- maybe this time it will make sense. I also feel as though -- I have lost the love of my life ... and the "if he couldn't stick around why would anyone?" --- I ask that repeatedly .... He said he loved me .. he said he would never leave me ... and he said nothing would ever change in his feelings for me --- and inevitably ... everything he said was a lie --- and he moved on quicker than I could grasp the concept he wasn't mine anymore. It's disheartening.
All of this has changed me -- changed who I am, how I am .. why I exist. I hate loving someone who doesn't care ... and I hate being the way I am. I am still reaching out and the light I keep trying capture is moving further away from me. And --- I am scared to death I am going to repeat the worst year of my life. "It gets better" .... Better --- that is all perspective -- better to me .. is I don't break down in absolute crying, depression and grief fits that take away my ability to think .. breathe and function. Better is ... I can uphold a stronger image to my family and friends. Better is .. I can play a part -- one that I don't really know if I want to play ... but, I do it anyway.
I can't tell you how to stop thinking about him ... and I can't tell you how to move on ... I can tell you -- that if you don't put you as a priority, it will destroy you. You said you have people showing interest in you -- go out with them, even if it is a night of torture. It forces you to go through the actions -- don't be dishonest and pretend life is butterflies and you want to be in love with them ... but, going through the motions at least makes you break a cycle. Talk to people -- the chat here helps me, it changes what I am worrying about. Find someone who can truly not discount the fact that your hurting.
I think --- some days, I still think he is coming back. It's almost like I am waiting for him to 'get it out of his system .. come back to me .. and we live happily ever after" .. I think how that will go .... but, seriously --- can I really live with that? It's the only question that makes me break that chain of thinking. I still love him. I still want nothing more than what we had --- but that is the key -- He could come back tomorrow and it is never going to be what we had. He still walked away from me ... he still gave up on me ... he still changed his mind .. he still waivered in his love... he still moved on like it was nothing in his life ... he still ...... it goes on and on and on ... He is not the same person anymore ... and though I have accepted that he has changed -- I cannot accept he is gone from my life. Maybe ... if you evaluate how he has changed and how it could never be the same .. you will realize what your grieving ...
Now ... don't take my word for it --- I still ramble ... and alot of what I say is people still trying to get me to move on ....
ok .... I will shut up now ;) [/color">
Re: Hard, hard day...it's been awhile... superwife: [color=blue"> <<<hug>>>
Girl, you should get out. Espeically if you've had offers. It won't solve all your problems (as I have realized) but it will show you that there are decent people out there, and that you still have it. The companionship is nice (there are other benefits too!! ;) ) I was so worried about being labeled, with my baggage (I have a child), but there are so many of us out there (as evidenced by this site). So young too...
It's been eight months, and while i don't feel exactly the way you do, I do keep asking myself 'why'. Did I do something to cause this? But I do realize that I didn't. It just didn't work out. I couldn't give him something (whatever it was) he needed. But I still hurt. I am very sensitive, and he is the polar opposite. I still cry a lot. Not so much because of what he did, but how he's handling it. He treats me like the bad guy, like I cheated on him He is not showing an ounce of cooperation, nor is he meeting his financial obligation (and that hurts my pocketbook). He has no remorse for what he did, and has moved on with his 'new family'. I do not want him back, nor do I have hope. He is obviously happier without me, and I know, deep down (not that deep) that I am better off too. I keep telling myself (and maybe you should try this) why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? If he came back and said he changed his mind, could you possibly believe that? Was he willing to 'work it out'? Mine wasn't, and there was my answer. You have to ask yourself "are you better off without him"? It still may hurt, but if you can answer yes to that, that might be a start :)[/color">
Re: Hard, hard day...it's been awhile... husky: Hi jt,
What you have posted really mirrors my situation and feelings, except that mine is 6 months.
Similar to your case, my ex moved on pretty fast and until now, i still think of him everyday. And i want nothing more than to get over him totally and be truly happy again. Like you, i can't bring myself to date another guy.
I thought about it a lot. It seems that the reason why we are recovering so slowly is that we still harbour the hope that one day they will come back to us. This hope is making us go round in circles instead of making progress in getting over them.
To really move on, we have to convince ourselves that they are NOT coming back.
My ex has definitely moved on and having the time of his life now. The thought of this sometimes makes me snap out of my misery. Why should i be wallowing in misery when he is happily living his life out there?! And i have convinced myself lately that he is never coming back. He is the kind of person who will hound you to death if he indeed wants to come back to me but he is doing none of that.
These few days have been good for me because i finally accepted that he is gone.
Re: Hard, hard day...it's been awhile... husky: "9. Shall I tell you what is the greatest obstacle to our success in healing? Well, it's this. We give up our lovers too late, because we flatter ourselves that we are still the object of their affections. Or could be. Move on."
The above paragraph was found in a post 'nothin changed in 2000 years!!' by beaver. It is so true.
