I don't know what to do chesperito: My wife just told me that she's not happy and that she's leaving yesterday. She won't talk to me about it. The thing is, I really felt that we were both happy. We moved recently for me to go to grad school, and she got this new job, and she's been going out a lot with her friends, which I'm totally cool with. But she said she has more fun with them then with me, and that I'm a great guy, but that she didn't have a spark with me. I don't know what to do. This is too much all at once, it was totally out of the blue for me. I'm right in the middle of finals in law school, I don't know what I did to make her leave, and I just want her to come home so badly. I just wish that she'd come home.
Re: I don't know what to do MJ28: Very sorry to hear about your situation, especially since she won't talk about it so you have no idea what went wrong. Could it be that she wants to be free to pursue someone else? I'm not accusing, it's just that when they say the spark is gone it usually means there's someone else they're attracted to. Or it could be the stress of moving to a new place. Try again to talk to her and explain that you deserve to know why your wife is leaving you. I wish you luck in your finals and with your wife.
Re: I don't know what to do Whirlpool: How long have you been married? How old is she? Is there a chance you thought she was happy but she has been giving you clues all along? She has expressed no problems with you or your marriage? If you want her back you have some serious work ahead of you. The best thing I can say to you is no begging! Remain strong even if you are weak as all hell right now and want nothing but to break down and cry. Don't do it in front of her. Just don't beg whatever you do, do not appear weak and helpless, that will just drive her away more. Try and be sincere in wanting to know what is wrong, do not try and defend yourself. If I know what I am talking about she is going to come at you with some crazy crap and change history alot. She will talk as if you never had a happy moment in your marriage and it is all going to be your fault. Try and appear understanding and validate her feelings as much as you can. It will be very hard but this is the first step. Do not feel as though you must defend yourself unless it is against an accused act such as cheating. For example, if she says you never help around the house instead of pointing out why she is wrong tell her you realize there is more you can be doing to help out and that you will try harder. She will likely tell you, or has told you she loves you but is not in love with you anymore. We all hear it man. Just survive these first few days with this. A great book is "divorce remedy", I suggest buying it yesterday.
This is a great place for support with excellent people, but it may be a bit top heavy with those of us who have already buried our dead relationships and are trying to move on. I am not saying to not post here, please do. But if you want more of a enthusiastic "save your marriage" crowd try divorcebusting.com on the newcomers board.
Word to the wise, you are about to embark on a perilous journey and the chances of you reaching the destination where you want to be are slim. Your marriage has one foot already in the grave, do whatever you can to save it now, but there are no guarantees. Good luck friend and let us know how you are doing.
Re: I don't know what to do Gabo: chesperito (did you meant Chespirito?)
I am sorry to give you welcome to probably the ride of your life. The infamous rollercoaster that we all live, well you have just buckled your seat bealt, the ride is just starting and in a few days like in real rollercoasters the first slope is the worse.
Whirlpool said basically everything. I recomend another book. (stopyourdivorce.com) read the free chapters in case you like it.
I sadly inform you that I am in the same situation as you. My ex moved to grad school and then she started to live "new things" as she said, then she said to me that she loved me but that she now loves me as a family member, and that there is no spark now.
I am sorry to say that 90 % or more of the times is OM (other man)
You can have it back, but the chances are slim and they depend on numerous factors. If it appeared that you were happy together and it came out of the blue the chance that she will come back is actually a little bit greater.
THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE IS WHIRLPOOL's: DONT BEG MAN!
DON't PLEAD, DO NOT APPEAR WEAK, DO NOT APPEAR HOPELESS. You may be dying inside but don't show it to her.
If you act as everything is fine, you are a little bit distant with her, you are always cool, always in control of the situation, if you don't call her after she left (that means e-mails as well or any other time of contact) from the beginning your chances for she coming back increase quite dramatically.
Is hard as hell, if you have never been broken hearted it will probably be the hardest thing you ever lived in your life.
My advice? (Besides whirlpool's which basically summarizes everything you need to know) be cool, try to move on with your life, and don't wait for her to come back. I know it's impossible but it helps you and it helps you get her if she wants to be back. Sometimes women are immature, other times they are in their Midle Life Crisis (mid 30s), and is really unfair that you wait for them to snap of their dream and get real again.
I am 2 months down the road and after telling her that I hated her and I never wanted to hear from her again (Don't follow this advice, this is just my personal situation) 3 weeks later (this week) she wrote me telling me: "this is very hard, I want to hear from you". Ok, is a start and I haven't answered.
This is just an example of how things kind of work, and it takes a lot of time. Another man here (Falcon) has been fighting (meaning beeing cool but in touch) for her wife for 6 months. This things take time and I am sorry that you have to live this.
We are all in the same boat. Some have gotten over it. Some are in the middle of the damn rollercoaster (like me) and others got their significant other back. Just keep the faith. They say that in time everything will be fine again.
We are here if you need any kind of support.
Jabe
