Asinine reconciliation attempt... ohill: My ex-wife invited me to a meal about a month ago and gave me a speech telling me that she wishes she hadn't left me, she wishes she had stuck it out, etc... She made a serious attempt at asking if we could reconcile things, but not in a marriage. She doesn’t believe in the institution of marriage anymore, she told me. She did, however, in the next breath literally propose that we buy a house together, move in, and start making babies.
After our divorce, my ex-wife told me that her theory on life is that relationships and friendships should be easy and that once something becomes hard, it is simply time to move along (which, coincidentally, is exactly what she did with me). Shortly after leaving me she also completely cut off contact with her best friend because it got hard too. She has since bounced from friend to friend (and, I suspect, guy to guy) searching for happiness. She wrote to me a few months ago "I find it easier to just move along in my life and run towards whatever makes me happy (and to run from whatever causes chaos, confusion, or discord)." I really wish that she would have shared that with me before we took life-long vows...
She openly ascribes to a philosophy that has nothing of permanence. No work to repair and restore damaged or tattered feelings or relationships, just moving along to the next fresh, new, and fun thing. So, when she asked me if I would buy a house with her, move in, and start making babies, there was a huge disconnect. She wants all of the benefits of the house with a white picket fence, children, and having me around, etc…but she doesn’t want any of the work, headaches, or trials that come along with these things. We tried once, and she left me high and dry.
Has anyone else had an ex who wanted all of the benefits of a relationship with none of the work, so much so that he/she just routinely walks away from relationships and friendships as a result?
Has anyone else had an ex make an asinine reconciliation attempt?
Re: Asinine reconciliation attempt... Gabo: Coun't me in. My ex is exactly like that, bouncing and changing frinds or boyfriends. She is just too immature to realize that things need work and commitment.
Re: Asinine reconciliation attempt... flowersdirtandgardengirl: Asa,
How about this, I'll give you my ex's phone number. Your ex can call my ex, they'd be great together. He even has a house ready made for her, so that takes that burden from you. The kids I think he's be fine with, as long as he didn't have to change his habit of making last minute trips to mexico and central america, burning man or getting shnitz on a tuesday with the boys.
I could be a lot more articulate and descriptive, but it's been a late night at work and frankly I am tired of hearing myself talk about him. ;) Suffice to say, you can just take your description of your ex and supplant it with my ex's name and nothing much would change.
Buggers.
~gg
Re: Asinine reconciliation attempt... PickingUpThePieces: [quote author=Asa link=topic=22604.msg210123#msg210123 date=1134261229">
Has anyone else had an ex who wanted all of the benefits of a relationship with none of the work, so much so that he/she just routinely walks away from relationships and friendships as a result?
Has anyone else had an ex make an asinine reconciliation attempt?
[/quote">
Yes, and yes.
Looking back on it, I think my husband's idea of marriage is that you get all the benefits of marriage - stability, a maid....while still being able to remain single - spend as much money as you want, put dating ads on personals sites. Yeah. In fact, he and I were having a discussion about relationships one day related to friends of his - one divorced, one who had broken up with his fiance - and how I commented that relationships require work. His comment to me was that if it feels like work you shouldn't be in the relationship. Throughout the time I have known my husband he has changed friends and now changed women rapidly. Of course it is always the other person's fault for the relationship not working out... ::)
My stbx also made a pathetic attempt at reconciliation. He left me for his ex-girlfriend from high school, and their relationship lasted a whopping six days. He sent me an email he was moving back in because things got "too crazy" where he was and two days later he started in with how much he loved me and felt comfortable with me and didn't want to file for divorce because he didn't want to do anything "rash".
I, too, wish my husband would have shared his "philosophy" on relationships before he proposed living together and then marriage. Unfortunately for us, we found out too late. I suppose we all can just chalk it up to immaturity, narcissism, what have you.
Re: Asinine reconciliation attempt... ohill: Jabe, GG, and PickingUpThePieces,
I was beginning to think that I was the only one who went through dealing with a spouse like this...as if I was the only one with the wool pulled over his eyes. It is a rather bad feeling. Thanks for your responses, and for letting me know that I'm not stark-raving mad.
To have someone commit his/her life to you and then just decide one day that they don't feel like living up to that commitment because things are less than perfect is a terrible thing. Some days I wish that a more definitive end to our relationship had taken place, so I could point to it and say "A-HA!" Had my wife just flat-out cheated on me it would have been a whole different set of hurts, but at least I would have had something concrete to hang my decision on...I guess if it's not one thing it's another, huh?
GG - Your point is humorous and, at the same time, well taken. I wonder what it would be like to have two people of that mindset actually get into a relationship together... Probably a melt-down of the likes that the world has never seen...
PickingUpThePieces - I agree with you. The only thing we can do at this point is chalk it up to experience, and try to make sure that we really learn the lesson(s). It seems that the lessons best learned are those that you didn't see coming. It is interesting that you mentioned narcissism. I am currently reading a book on it, and our society is a narcissistic culture on the whole, but it seems like our spouses have likely taken it to the "near toxic" or "toxic" level. It is truly unfortunate that a marriage-level commitment by one party can be unilaterally ended by another party that just doesn't feel like working on things.
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