This site has been a huge help kev: First off, I just wanted to say that I stumbled across this site sort of on accident, but I come here all the time now, as it has been such a help to me to see that there are so many that have went through or are going through the same things as me.
Here is my story in a nutshell...
I was happily married for just short of 12 years to my best friend. I have known her all my life. We went to a wedding of our good friends, and met all of their family (in another state).
One month later, our friends brother came to visit. we all hung out on the night he came into town. I got tired, and went home. She went to a friends house and ended up sleeping with this guy.
the killer is that our very close knit group of friends all hung out that weekend with the brother, including us. everyone knew what had happened except for me. I treated this guy like a king for the four days he was here, as he was our best friends brother, and hell, i even gave the guy a big bear hug when he left and told him he was welcome in my home anytime! the next day, before he left for the airport, they got together again.
My stbxw, to her credit, grew some balls and told me two days later. i think i was in shock, because I felt just numb when she told me, but I had the attitude of "its ok, we can go to counseling, we can fix this, everybody makes mistakes". to which she replied, "Im not in love with you anymore and i haven't been for a long time, and i have feelings for this guy".
Still numb, i thought we could still work through that. the next morning, it hit me like a truck. i cried all the way to work, i cried at work. i cried on the way home. it got even worse over the next two weeks, emotions wise. i felt like i wanted to die. i blamed myself for what had happened.
the worst night was our anniversary, which was 2.5 weeks after she slept with this guy. we had a long conversation, i wanted to know if there was even a chance for us. when she said no, i took my ring off and gave it to her. and bawled like a baby, in a restaurant.
Over about three weeks time, i lost twenty five pounds. (this is not a good diet plan!)
after about three weeks of straight crying and feeling like i was dying inside, i woke up one morning and just said to myself, "K, you are only doing this to yourself, she isnt going through these emotions and neither should you." I have not cried since that day.
through long talks with her since then, and also with the OM, I think i have finally come to terms with everything and have started to move on. every once in awhile, i get down on myself and feel like i will never meet someone new. and then i get to thinking that i don't really care, because i will never give my total trust and my heart over to someone again, for fear of going through the hell that i have this year.
so anyway, fast forward to now, 4 months later. she has moved to the other state to be with this guy. we sold the house, and our divorce will be final in march. Little baby steps to moving on!
The good that has come out of this is that she and i retained our friendship. The night she left for the other state, i told her to have a good life, be selfless instead of selfish, and love unconditionally. We were the perfect couple that should have not been married. we have always been great friends and should have left it that.
Anyway this is a long post, but it sure helps to "tell my story". Friends and family are OK, but none of them have been through this, and everyone has their own opinions about the situation. and you just get sick of all the questions and comments. anybody else feel that way.
Thanks for listening, and sorry for the long post!
Re: This site has been a huge help lilly10: Hi Kev,
Welcome!!
You sound like you are doing pretty good right now. I was the same way as you are I cried for about a month straight then woke up one day and said enough is enough and that was it I turned the well off. As far as not trusting someone else ever again I vouch not to do that it would not be fair to not trust people because of one person in my life who shattered me. Keep on doing what you are doing because you have a great attitude and you are going to be just fine. It has almost been 5 months for me and I am there I am over him now I did not think it would happen this quick but I think that being positive and taking care of me is what did it. Keep posting!! :)
Re: This site has been a huge help bleedingheart: [quote author=kev link=topic=23007.msg213489#msg213489 date=1135265368">
My stbxw, to her credit, grew some balls and told me two days later. i think i was in shock, because I felt just numb when she told me, but I had the attitude of "its ok, we can go to counseling, we can fix this, everybody makes mistakes". to which she replied, "Im not in love with you anymore and i haven't been for a long time, and i have feelings for this guy".
Still numb, i thought we could still work through that. the next morning, it hit me like a truck. i cried all the way to work, i cried at work. i cried on the way home. it got even worse over the next two weeks, emotions wise. i felt like i wanted to die. i blamed myself for what had happened.
Over about three weeks time, i lost twenty five pounds. (this is not a good diet plan!)
after about three weeks of straight crying and feeling like i was dying inside, i woke up one morning and just said to myself, "K, you are only doing this to yourself, she isnt going through these emotions and neither should you." I have not cried since that day.
through long talks with her since then, and also with the OM, I think i have finally come to terms with everything and have started to move on. every once in awhile, i get down on myself and feel like i will never meet someone new. and then i get to thinking that i don't really care, because i will never give my total trust and my heart over to someone again, for fear of going through the hell that i have this year.
The good that has come out of this is that she and i retained our friendship. The night she left for the other state, i told her to have a good life, be selfless instead of selfish, and love unconditionally. We were the perfect couple that should have not been married. we have always been great friends and should have left it that.
[/quote">
I am glad you are able to move on with your life. This story sound all too familiar. I felt went numb. I cried. I wasn't able to eat. Everytime i think about her it hurts. You are a brave and strong soul. I hope i'll have the strength and courage to get where you are at now.
Re: This site has been a huge help Bea: Hey Kev,
Welcome to Ojar. I'm glad you're moving on and dealing with divorce with a positive attitude. Sometimes it's very difficult to say "enough is enough" and we kinda become prey of our pain. I'm sorry your marriage ended, but I'm happy to hear that you've reached acceptance and that you're trying to think about yourself. About not trusting again? Well, I think it's normal, but it's only temporary. It is good to protect your heart for a while, just don't deny yourself the chance to feel again if the opportunity presents itself. Just make sure you can deal with it, selflessly, free of anything that makes your post a burden to carry.
Best wishes,
Bea
Re: This site has been a huge help kev: Thanks lilly and beahive, i am moving on, and it is a conscious choice that I made to do so. One day i just got sick of feeling miserable, sick of the self pity, and sick of feeling like life couldn't go on.
everyone goes through processes in different ways, and i chose to take the high road and be forgiving. I chose to remain best friends. I chose to look at the facts of what happened, and realize that i held true to the vows i made, i held true to remaining faithful, and I held true to what I told her from the very beginning - I will always love you.
Life is too short to be bitter, hold hate in your heart, and let pain consume you. We had a great life together, and i choose to retain the good memories. i choose to recall what made me fall in love with her, not her indiscretions that led to our downfall.
I wish her no ill will, i hope she is happy and finds what she is looking for in life. So I couldn't stack up in the end...that's OK. I don't mind. You can't make someone love you or stay in love with you.
Bleedingheart, i am sorry that you feel the way you do. even though it has been a pretty short time for me, i made the decision to not let those feelings and thoughts consume me. it will for awhile, but it will get better. and when you make the choice to not let it consume you, you feel better faster. God bless you. You will be fine.
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