Serious Suicide Issue ~ FYI This isn't about me being Suicidal Macaw_Lover: I know this isn't the typical "love advice" issue, however it is a love issue to me as it involves my family and I love them dearly. I know this is long, but anyone who is willing and has the time to read my story and can possibly offer some advice or insight is more than you know appreciate. If you may have difficulty in reading some of these details, please do not continue to read.
6 1/2 years ago my Brother In Law of 12 years and who is the father of 3 beautiful boys committed Suicide...at 1030pm at night, the boys in bed and my sister about to go to sleep she got a phone call from the police insisting that her and the kids must leave the house, she was not indicated as to why only that if she didn't leave they would come in and get her. She did so, obviously as asked. Her husband was downstairs and had drilled the door shut in the smallest room in the house. When outside she saw massive cops, as did the kids. She was not told the reason even at this point as to why. Her husband had called the police and said "I have a gun, i'm going to kill myself get my wife and kids out of the house". Again my sister was not told this, as in procedure this is how it is handled, had she known she wouldn't have left the house. I was the 2nd to last person who got a call from my brother in law, stating his intentions to me of suicide. He said "You might want to come here as your sister and the kids are sitting in a cop car up the street, I have a gun and i'm going to shot myself". As anyone can only imagine I didn't believe what I was hearing. I immediately went to her house only to find the roads blocked off to there house with cops. The kids were taken to my other sisters house for the night, but did see all that was going on with police being there, but didn't know why it was happening. 3 hours later and my sister walking around in a daze unsure of what was going on with her husband he was to walk out and surrender his weapon by throwing it in the driveway. I remember hearing on the walkies from officers of the ones at the house saying "He is coming out.....He is coming out....He is coming out" Then gun shot went off, and he was dead in the driveway. Years later, I know he had no intentions of ever surrendering, I think he just didn't want to do it in the house. This is quite a long story, so I will only do brief highlights as i'm not trying to write a novel. Both me and my sister both visually saw him laying in the driveway in a pool of blood. To this day I will never get that imagine fully out of my head. I can close my eyes as if it was yesterday. I myself took many years to fully deal with the situation as we were all affected differently depending on the relationship with him. The next day, my sister told her boys who at the time were 6, 9 and 12 that there dad killed himself. She was told by a pastor that this was better to be honest, than for them to find out later in life the truth and have to re-deal with it. 3 months later my sister was set up by friends, un-knowenly by her current guy she has been with every since. This man has had a great impact on her boys and really to a degree has been a father figure to them. He loves them as if they were his own. However she just being 3 months in widowed and started to date. I saw it as she was "replacing" her husband of 12 years. There are absolutely no photos of her husband with the kids in her home ANYWHERE. To a degree it is almost as if he has been erased. She rarely speaks of him, and that is because she has never truly dealt with this tramatic event in her life.
Her kids now are getting older, her oldest is 18 and is having MAJOR problems in school and issues and has a lot of anger. Because she never dealt with this, she is unable to help her children deal with this, let alone talk about this. Instead she is just "medicating herself" with pills from her doctor and alcohol. She drinks ALL the time and of course she drank prior to this, but this trama has increased her usage.
Re: Serious Suicide Issue ~ FYI This isn't about me being Suicidal Macaw_Lover: I really am scared for her, and I know most of you will say that "only she can chose to deal or not deal with this". But this man she is with in so many words saying "well deal with it, get over it already". I dont' want to fully say he is unsupporting, but I think he just doesn't know how to handle it. If someone doesn't wake her up to deal with this horrific tradegy, I know she just never will. I am considering myself speaking with her, we have had heart to hearts before. But I just dont' know where to start. Her kids need her more and more as they grow up with this. I feel that if she has dealt with this, she wouldn't have a problem with her kids having a picture of them with there father in even just there rooms. She has done things for them such as take her husbands old jeans and made patch-blankets for them and also is keeping a ring of her husbands for each kid to give when there older. But they were so young when he died, but yet still remember him. The two youngest have a harder time to remember him, but the older one was old enough to understand he was truly gone and was never coming back. I think this is why he is now having the most trouble with it.
This tradgedy nearly ripped my family apart, to the degree of my dad threatoning suicide 2 months after he died....fortunately I can say my dad is still around after me finding him with a shotgun and reminding him how painful it was for him along with all of us to lose someone we love and that he to would put us back through all the same pain and I said I knew he didn't want that.
Please anyone, have you been through this, what helped to get you through it. Please don't just saying counseling or meds as that hasn't helped and counseling just isn't for my sister I dont' think. I want to help her, even if it isn't me that speaks with her. She needs to cry, scream, get angry and just realize THIS IS REAL, this is LIFE and it hurts, but it doesn't go away. She has said, she thought it would get better with time, but is saying it is only getting more painful and hard. Thanks for your time in reading this, and I will be happy to hear from all of you.
Re: Serious Suicide Issue ~ FYI This isn't about me being Suicidal 4sarah: That is so aweful!! I know it affects everyone differently. I can understand your sisters current BF saying it like that because she's with him now so she should be over it (does that make sense) anyway thats probably his view on it. I would sit down and have a heart to heart with her but like you said she is the only one who can decide she needs help otherwise it won't work. Remember that your sister isn't the only one who can help her kids you can to. Talk to them and find out why there having the trouble now. If they need a picture up or a picture book or something or even just to talk about their dad to someone then why not You. You sound like your close to them. Maybe not I don't fully understand the situation noone close to me or that I know has ever commited suicide or even past away so I don't really know. But it couldn't hurt. I also think there are some support groups around for people that had a family member commit suicide and they have something that could help them understand more.
Sarah
Re: Serious Suicide Issue ~ FYI This isn't about me being Suicidal Suddenly Single: Wow. First of all, I am so sorry to hear of the tragedy and loss that your family has experienced. That is awful.
I think talking with her would be a great idea. However, it might not help. Has her oldest confronted her about his anger? Have you talked with her children about this? It sounds like they are older now maybe you and others can share with them stories/pictures of their father. That is what it sounds like they need. It is horrible to have someone die and start losing those memories. It sounds like this is what the kids need and she is not doing it so maybe it is up to the family now.
She does need to grieve but you can' t force her to do it. I would think that if talking to her doesn't work - your family could either band together and try to talk with her or just go directly to the kids and do what you can for them.
I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry.
I hope that someone here gives you sound advice and your family finds peace.
SS
Re: Serious Suicide Issue ~ FYI This isn't about me being Suicidal charmed: I'm so sorry for you and your family. I can only imagine the horror of seeing this firsthand. The scenario you described is something we might see in a movie, but NEVER think it will happen in real life.
My husband attempted suicide when we were together. I recall the "waiting" - not knowing if he would live. He couldn't breathe on his own and only ventilators kept him alive. There were so many questions - WHY did he choose this. There was guilt. There was anger. How could he do this when he had a wife and three young children. It was a nightmare and he came out of it. He walks this earth today LOL But, honestly I can't say that we dealt with it constructively, maybe not at all. I began to fear what he would do to me if he could do that to himself. People attacked me and wondered what "I" did to cause him to do this. As I write this I realize I haven't dealt with this and it happened years ago. I have chills as I recall that night. I swept it under the rug for the most part. It's something he didn't exactly want to deal with either. He more or less wanted to prove that he wouldn't do it again, but I was always looking over my shoulder, wondering.
I found that people didn't want to deal with the reality that my husband had personal issues that caused him to do this. They looked for every possibility, except with him. This caused damage to me. I was questioned over and over about what "I" had done. There's a possibility that your sister questions herself and feels a lot of guilt, even though she was not in any way responsible. He made the choice!!! But logic and emotion are the worst of adversaries and she may carry guilt with her and not be able to open up about her deepest feelings.
What would have helped me in this situation is someone, anyone reaching out. Not so much to talk about the situation, but just to know that someone was beside me. I've talked very little about this and I'm sure there are some residual effects and your sister surely has LOTS of effects.
Her husband sounds a bit cold. You can't just "get over this". A situation like this leaves huge scars and unless they are dealt with she will surely have a lot of repressed feelings leading to other problems. This may be her way of "dealing", but it isn't healthy.
You cannot force your sister into anything, but maybe you can "lead". Being a friend to her might get her to open up. Being involved in her life and doing things with her might create a comfort level. There's a possibility that her current husband has made her think that she doesn't have a right to talk about this or deal with it. I know for me, if someone makes me feel intimidated, I won't open up. You have to offer support and a comfort level without making her feel you are forcing something out of her. My guess is that she would love to open up, but is terrified. With the right person and the right atmosphere, the dams may break loose.
Is it possible that you could go to counseling with her? Maybe you could say that you need to deal with this and feel it would be beneficial to both of you. This way she might not feel so isolated in the situation. Or could you have a family meeting with a counselor or pastor involved? This has affected your entire family and it could be an opportunity for everyone to draw closer and deal with this.
As far as the children, I feel it's important to memorialize their father's life, not his death. They know the truth of what happened to him, but they were young and it's important for them to know who he was before this tragedy. One day they will have many questions. They will want to know the man that gave them life.
I wish you and your family the best-
`charmed
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