Re: Serious Suicide Issue ~ FYI This isn't about me being Suicidal superwife: Fortunately, I have personal experience with this as well. Different, of course. My brother committed suicide 11 years ago. He was 25, single, and a cop. He had a girlfriend, which some may say was a toxic situation. It was on again off again. She was 5 yrs older, divorced with a kid, so there was 'drama'. Naturally everyone looked at her as the one to blame. I've always maintained that that was an unfair accusation. Who know, I may be wrong, we'll never know.
But there is such a stigma associated with suicide, depression and mental health in general. It is an illness. I'm not saying everyone who it is downright mentally ill/cuckoo/lunatic, but there is something beyond the surface that causes these people to think these thoughts. And it is not always associated with a life-altering crisis. You did not mention any 'reason' that he may have done this. Just like everyone asked themselves (about my brother) "why would he do this? Therefore it must have been her. (big issue too, that he was a cop, it was a big year for cop suicides in our city) Was his life that bad?? I hate that, because to me that minimizes the persons perception of their life and their problems.
I take it she does not sit there and ask 'why' or blame herself. While that's not a bad thing, it's not necessarily a good thing. This is probably a no-brainer, but she has not gone through the stages of grief. There are 5 stages: Shock/denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. Just like every one of us who are on this site grieving the loss of our marriage and spouse need to go through these stages, so does your sister, and her children. There is no way around it, according to the theorist behind this. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it. My parents didn't do so great, in my opinion. But it's 11 years later and they're functioning, living, working, laughing, enjoying their granddaughter and for the most partm, enjoying their lives. the void will never be filled. I am doing the same. Other than my current separation, I have gone on with my life. I will always miss him. He was my only sibling. I went to therpay about 2 yrs later (for a number of things, this included). My parents did not. They tried a support group for parents who lost a child. They did not like it. I think they needed a more specific suicide group. I did not tell them i went to therapy, b/c at the time, they still didn't know how to deal with it. I was getting depressed myself, and they could not deal, nor could I burden them.
Maybe she feels this is what she needs to do for her boys, put on a 'front'. You know what, my parents did not put on a front, and that was fine with me. I saw my father cry... a lot. Granted I was 20, but I was still their little girl. I'm sure I don't know half of the mental anguish they endured, but the opposite is true too.
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She needs to cry, scream, get angry and just realize THIS IS REAL, this is LIFE and it hurts, but it doesn't go away. She has said, she thought it would get better with time, but is saying it is only getting more painful and hard.
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You're absolutely right. She needs to. And the longer she waits, the harder it's going to be. It will get better in time, if she deals with it.
Re: Serious Suicide Issue ~ FYI This isn't about me being Suicidal Macaw_Lover: Thank you all greatly for your responses so far. I know it is one of those situations that well a person just doesn't know what to say.
You know when this happend 6 years ago, wow I could write a novel and to be honest I just might here on Ojar....even if no one reads it, it will feel good to write it out. I struggle yet with this what sometimes seems like a sureal part of my life. I feel to a degree that I have dealt with it, but I think I am a bit still a work in progress.
The day after he died, I told you how my sister told her boys oh forgot to say they are ALL boys, so even harder I think for boys losing there father as that person they tend to look up to. Anyways, my brother flew in from Cali the next night and he wanted me to drive him to my sisters. I was going to drive him and go home as I was in shock and was hurting immensely from this loss, however my parents who had gone out there earlier and had asked me if I wanted to go and I just couldn't deal with it and said no...had other plans for me when I brought my brother there. My mom said "I want you to stay here because someone needs to be here for the kids as your brother will be tending a lot to your sister." See when I got there the boys were sleeping. My sister seeing her laying on the couch, I looked at her with tears in my eyes and I couldn't even say one word, not even sorry....all I did was run my fingers through her mangled hair as she laid there in disbelief and distress....I remember this was back when I used to go into chat rooms and instead of speaking with friends about this, it was easier to talk to people online who couldn't judge or even knew me or the situation. Just to talk about it, not sure why to be honest. Seemed it was the thing I wanted to do at the time. I remember it was in a game room and all these horribly mean people were saying "your lying, your just trying to get attention and making up this elaborate story". I remember crying and all I could type was, I wish I was lying. After that I laid down and fell asleep for maybe 30 min and the oldest boy who was 12 at the time woke up, everyone else was asleep still. Under normal circumstances I would have said, kid leave me alone i'm sleeping, go back to bed as it was like 5am. I just looked into those eyes and saw the tears falling from his face and he said "Can I talk to you". We went up to the kitchen and he said to me "Why did my dad do this?" "I thought he loved us?" I told him never to doubt that his dad loved him and all of his family more than anything in this world, that he was just in so much pain he thought this was his only way out. He then said to me "I would rather give up this big house we have, our snowmobiles, my go-cart, the fishing boat, EVERYTHING and live in a card board box if only I could have my dad back". I tried fighting the tears, because I wanted to be strong, but I just wasn't because I to had a hole in my heart. See my sister was 35 at the time, and I was 18 and they were married for 12 years almost and dating a few years prior. I don't even have a memory of him not being in our lives and our family. He was my family just as if it was blood family. I was so close to him, god I miss him so much. This is making me cry uncontrolably just to type and re-think this nightmare in my life. For those of you out there listening though or not listening either way I think this is good for me.
Re: Serious Suicide Issue ~ FYI This isn't about me being Suicidal Macaw_Lover: The night before my brother in law died, we were working on putting a new roof on our house....and I remember being up on the roof nailing shingles with him and he said to me "I will always be watching over you". I just said ok....thanks...I didn't know what he meant. Now I know he was saying goodbye. The night he called, he was so angry on the phone. He said to me RIGHT after he said he was going to kill himself, he said "Have a nice life". It sounded so uncaring, but I do know he cared about me and everyone else. Back on to my oldest nephew, after our talk in the kitchen he went into a corner, looking through a family photo album and just tearing streaming down his face. It broke my heart and still does to this day thinking about it. I wish I could give them that part of there life back, I would give my life to do so. But I can't. A song my brother in law used to sing was "you and me go fishin' in the dark" by nitty gritty dirt band and when it plays, I cry and sing it as loud as I can. When the boys got older, I told them that there dad used to love this song and sang it very loud also, only he wasn't a very good singer and they laughed. I do my best with little reminders to keep there dads memory alive inside them, but the middle child who was 9 at the time admits to me he doesn't remember a lot about his dad and that scares him. So I do my best on stories I know and remember and share them with him.
My brother in law left 4 suicide notes, 1 for his wife and one for each of his boys. I dont' believe my nephews have read theres yet....I know my sister has....inside the letter it indicated how he was sexually molested by a seargent up in Grand Forks, ND a few years prior to meeting my sister and my sister never knew until his parents told her afterwards that he was discharged for being suicidal. The autopsy showed that they believe he had a chemical imbalance as well.
The next night when I was at my sisters, or I should say the day after that night I went into the room where he locked himself in the laundry room. The door was taken off as he bolted it shut. There were two tiny blankets covering the windows to the outside so none of the police could see inside. There were 3 bullet holes in the walls that he fired prior. That is when the cops charged at the house, and that is when my dad was talking to him and he suddenly said to my dad I have to go there coming after me and hung up. My dad truly believes the cops put him over the edge, but I know that no matter what he already had his mind made up he was ending his life. There was a picture on his desk he had there all the time, it was of my brother in law as a kid up in a tree and he took the picture out of the frame and wrote on it "I will always be watching over you" and put the picture back in and set it on his desk. Seeing that was so earie. To this day I try to imagine the pain that was going on inside him to commit such a horrible act. I still dont' have the answers, and never will. I finally came to peace knowing that he loved us all and he felt this was his only way out and probably that this was for the best for all of us. I know he didn't mean to hurt anyone. I have been told over the years by several that he is in hell for taking his life and that shatters me inside to think such a wonderful, loving, caring, funny, honest, smart human being would be suffering for eternity. I just can't believe that is true! And I won't. I am not a very religous person, but I do believe and want to believe you see your loved ones another time and I always said the first thing I would do when I saw him again was to punch him in the stomach and then give him a big hug.
GOD I MISS HIM! Why did he have to die, why isn't he here loving life like everyone should. It was this tradgedy that made me live better though and know that you NEVER know when is the last you will see someone so ALWAYS tell them how much you love and they mean to you because I never did with him and I just hope he knows how much he is loved and truly missed.
I want to type more later, but I can't just now I am crying just way to hard I can't even see anymore. Thanks for reading this and I hope anyone out there who has gone through this, or hasn't and might in the future, or is thinking of suicide or just life in general will learn from these bits and pieces of my story I have shared.
God Bless you all.
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Never take anyone for granted cause you never know when you might lose them as you will not get that chance to let them know your True Feelings.
"Tears are the Souls Soap"
