Re: Being alone? Advice please!! BambiC: I hate doing things by myself...movies, dinner, shopping, etc. I also like spending time by myself to work on me. Maybe start out doing things you like to do alone, read a book, work on a hobby, give yourself a facial, etc. If there are things you don't like doing alone find someone else to do them with. Go to the movies or shopping with a friend. There is no point in trying to change who you are, just change your idea of who you enjoy doing things with.
If your family is around spend more time with them...my mom loves "getting her daughter back". She's treasuring every extra moment she has with me until I once again find myself in a relationship.
One of my best friends was never alone, she always had boyfriends and then in college she met a guy and they were together for over 5 years before they finally broke up. She went for over a year before getting involved in a new relationship. That was the longest she had ever been single. She blossomed so much in that time. I always teased her that she wouldn't have time to have a relationship because she always kept her social calendar so full going out with friends.
Now that she's in a relationship again she is so much more independent and sure of what her wants and needs are than she ever was before in a relationship. Her 5 yr relationship really brought her down...she was so unhappy by the end of it and lost so much of who she had been when it started that she needed time to rediscover the vibrant woman she was.
Take advantage of your new independence to do things that you never did before because you were part of a couple. Go places "he" wouldn't have wanted to go. Spend more time with friends and family.
Once he moves out you'll find that you're pretty good company for yourself.
Please keep posting how it goes.
BambiC
Re: Being alone? Advice please!! LostTeacher: i totally understand what you mean.
i was with my stbxh since i was 13 (i am going to be 28). i was NEVER alone. i moved right from my parents house to be in a house with him. i did not know how to be alone. i had never lived by myself, i had never made a lot of household decisions...and i was afraid. i had never been without this man since i was a kid, and i didn't think i would make it.
but............i did. i moved in with my family for a few months, then rented an apartment. i spend a lot of time back and forth between my parents and my apartment to start. i was nervous to be alone. it meant that i had to face my fear, and think about things with no distractions.
it was probably the best thing i could have done. it forced me to make decisions, to shop alone, to eat alone, to sleep alone. all things i had never done. i bought a car, i paid my bills, i joined a gym, i rebuilt friendships (which might all be things you need to do). i learned that i am good company for myself.
you don't have to be completely alone. sure, you might live alone, but you can do lots with others. i had tv nights with friends, i went to the gym, i visited friends, i stayed at work late when i needed to. but it's something you have to work on. it's not always something that just comes naturally. but if i can be a testment to others.....it can be done. if, after all i've been through, i can manage on my own.......then anyone can do it.
i was known at "D and S" for so long.........now i am just "S". and for me, that is huge. i was never known as anyone without his name attached. now, i am becoming my own person, and that is the biggest thing to me.
LT
Re: Being alone? Advice please!! hurtnlost: Thanks everyone so much for the responses! It has been one of my biggest fears but reading all the advice and hearing everyone's experiences make me feel so much better. I guess I will be taking baby steps to get there but they are steps. In a way I look forward in some way to finding myself again because I do know I lost myself some with him. I always tried to live for him and not for me so maybe it is all a blessing in disguise. Next week our divorce finalizes and he moves out and I will start learning how to live alone, just my children and me. I am grateful I have my children with me though, that does make it somewhat easier in that aspect. I just cannot imagine him living alone without the kids but that is the road he chose. Thanks again so much for the responses!!
Hugs!!
Re: Being alone? Advice please!! dgiirl: Doesnt that just scare you tho? The fact that you are scared to be alone? It just shows how much dependence you are on other people, and the sad fact of life is, you are the only person who will be with you your entire life, so you better like yourself enough to be alone. It does take time AND work to get use to the idea, but if you look hard enough, you will see positives in being alone and you will learn a lot about yourself. Challenge yourself and tackle those fears of being alone. What exactly is it that scares you and examine it carefully. You'll see there is no reason to be scared to be alone. And once you realize that, you will put up with less crap in relationships. It's freeing, it's empowering. You wont be alone for very long, so take this time to enjoy it and embrace it.
Re: Being alone? Advice please!! sparkle: You are definitely not alone in your thinking. It’s scary how similar everyone’s situations seem to be. I was with my ex since I was 17 and I am turning 28 in a couple of months. Everyone that I know was feeding me the same line about finding yourself and how happy you will be to have all that time to figure things out. Okay I don’t think I have slept since we separated. I am completely freaked out to be alone in my house at night and even when I think I am comfortable I stay up thinking about everything. I have gotten a lot better considering it’s been about a year since we separated and our divorce will be finalized next week. It definitely helps to spend time with friends or family. Personally, I have a tendency to isolate everyone from my life, because I am embarrassed by this situation. It’s hard not to feel like a failure at times, but truthfully I always feel better when I spend time with people. It’s exciting to experience new things. As I create all these new memories, the ones that I shared with my husband are less likely to pop up in my head. I didn’t believe it when people said it to me, but it will get better in time. You will be amazed at how strong of a person you will become. Just remember to breathe and try to relax. Take Care!
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