Conflicted thoughts pharmer: Wife of 10 years (together almost 17) had a brief affair about 1 month ago. During the time it was going on I suspected something was up based on the way she acted. I confronted her about it, she claimed nothing was going on. We started counseling but have yet to fully discuss her infidelity. My problem is that I can’t seem to get past it all. I don’t think she is seeing this guy anymore. I base this on the fact that she has no time – she would have to leave work to meet him. She says she loves me and is committed to making things work and sometimes (most of the time) I believe her. Other times I think back to her infidelity and wonder how it could have happened. I wonder if her attitude has changed or if I am going to relive this same scenario again later down the road. I blow things way out of proportion and I seem to be totally dependent on contact from her to be happy.
Anyway, I need to get past this. I don’t want to obsess about this forever. We are in counseling and we have talked a little between ourselves about what happened. For the most part though I have not told anyone my side of the story. I have kept it all inside, writing down my feelings in a (much too long) document filled with a chronology of my life for the past 2 months. I want to trust her but I find myself doing things I shouldn’t and thinking things which are probably way off base.
Anyone been in a similar situation? I would appreciate advice on the process of reconciliation. I know its hard and it will take time. But it is sometimes hard to believe that this sort of things just gets forgotten – by both sides. How do you deal with the fact that your wife was deceiving you for 2 weeks, trying to meet someone behind your back?
Re: Conflicted thoughts Dont-want-one: I haven't been in your situation, but do you know what caused her to seek someone else in the first place? I would think that the healing cannot truely begin until she is COMPLETELY honest with you and the councelor about the relationship she had, why she was out looking in the first place and if she regrets it..
Just my 2 cents
Re: Conflicted thoughts pharmer: Her side of the story was that I did not display affection towards her. I cannot argue with that, as it is mostly the truth. However, she did not tell me that she had a problem with this. She did not (I believe) go out and actively search for a relationship. She met this guy at a party we were both at and she claimed that she was going to set him up with her friend – which I think was the truth at least initially. She only told me of her dissatisfaction with my lack of affection after I caught her talking to her friend about this guy. I guess that is the part that hurts – I sometimes think that whole story is merely a diversion to protect herself from me finding out the whole truth.
Re: Conflicted thoughts sudboy: My wife of eight years had an affair and then left me to be with the other man.
I would characterize our marriage as having it's good and bad times, but there was definately love between us. The difference between us is that I would have stayed with her forever but she chose to lie and cheat with another man she met only a few months ago. For me, the cheating part is something that at some point I hope to be able to forgive, but I know it's also something I could never forget. I could never be with her again as the trust is gone for good.
Probably not what you want to hear, but I feel like infidelity leaves a permanent stain that prevents there from being any chance of the two of us being together again. Regardless of what her reasons are.
I take it you feel differently, and I can say that's a very admirable and responsible tack for you to take. If you can overcome all the "what if's" and hard feelings you're experiencing now there may be a chance for you to work things out together. But don't forget that you are the aggrieved party here -- you're entitled to feel hurt and resentment about what's happened to you.
Sudboy
Re: Conflicted thoughts Dont-want-one: I am sorta in the same boat as you when it comes to finding things out after the fact. You wonder why when something bothers someone, they don't tell you before the resentment builds up enough to cause an outburst like cheating or just deciding they want a divorce. I am not sure, but it seems to be a very fine line:
1. You either talk to somone and tell them everything that bothers you and they build up resentment because you lay it on them all the time.
or
2. You bottle stuff up to the point that it destroys any chance of ever fixing anything.
I am sorta in the latter category. My wife let things build up so much that she just decided that she needs to be free to be happy.... had I known anything was wrong in the first place (and I am sure you are prolly the same way)... I would have done everything in my power to change or fix what was wrong.
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