Was I wrong? hurtnlost: My stbxh told me today that if I had not had issues with him and argued with him going through this divorce that he would have tried to have stayed and not got a divorce and worked it out. There were days where it would be like nothing happened and I would say to him, see we are getting along good and maybe we can work it out and he would say there was no working it out and we would end up fighting. So it is like he was saying that I should have been happy and not argued over anything while we are going through a divorce and he would have stopped it. I mean he tells me this a week before the divorce and now there is no turning back. I always assumed he was done with me and now he says that and it bothers me. I would have tried to make it work and been who he wanted me to be but I thought he did not want to fix it and now he says that. Was I wrong to never be 100% sweet and happy during the whole process?
Re: Was I wrong? IlliniGirl: hurtnlost~
NO you were not wrong.....things were going sour, and you were right to not be 100% happy all the time. He is saying these things now to get to you. I say this, because my ex did the same thing to me. Almost in the exact same manner. He is trying to cause you to doubt yourself and your actions.....those that you KNOW in your heart were right.
Keep your chin up honey.....it's a tough road you are on, but there is a pleasant field at the end of the tangeled messy forrest!!!
~Angel
Re: Was I wrong? flowersdirtandgardengirl: [quote"> Was I wrong to never be 100% sweet and happy during the whole process?[/quote">
Are you kidding me? As in, "oh thanks, honey, for all this crap, you know. Thanks for jumping ship and reconsidering your love and comitment to me. No, things are just great with me, peachy, never better".
I'm sorry. First of all I get the fact that relationships fail and it's a cruel and beautiful world that we live in, flaws and all. I get that people fall in and out of love for staggering and impossible and incomprehensible reasons and I get that it hurts like hell and that, eventually, it gets better. So I get that sometimes divorce and breakups are inevitable, regardless of how much we try to make them work.
But to even imply that if you had just laid down in the dirt and let him do and say and behave in what ever way he cared to, without response or reply or interaction from you, and he would have maybe considered not calling the whole thing off drives me up the wall with fury. He didn't say to you, "gosh honey, if you hadn't burned down my house, got my grandmother deported back to Turkmanistan, crashed my car, spent my life savings on an incurable umbrella fetish and offered to dance the can-can for my boss in the corporate headquarters I really might have considered sticking it out with you". He didn't say, "gosh, you did somethings that are just unforgivable to me that I clearly asked you time and again not to do but you did them anyway so I have to go, like huffing glue in the kitchen or bringing home all those hookers".
I'm sorry, I really am. That he even stooped so low and was so heartless to even imply that. It just seems hurtful to me. It just seems like he must have been trying to cause or inflict some kind of specific, targeted pain. And who knows why, maybe he's trying to say he wishes you had done other things differently or maybe he just knows that there's no other way a standard issue human being could have handled something like divorce and separation and that's why he said it.
But if you know in your heart that you did everything you could have, that you behaved authentically and honestly then that's all that matters. I know you know this, but it never hurts to be reminded.
love,
gg
Re: Was I wrong? frontier74: There may be a shred of truth to what he says, but notice I only said a "shred." The best lies always contain at least a little truth, otherwise, you wouldn't be doubting yourself now. The problem is, he's completely leaving himself out of the equation. Your issues and arguments were in response to things that he did or said. Were you always calm and rational when dealing with him? I doubt it. In a perfect world, should you have been? Maybe. As you may have noticed, we don't live in a perfect world, inhabited by perfect people, although he seems to want to paint himself as such.
By all means, own up to your own share of the blame, but don't let him put any that rightfully belongs to him, onto you. The beauty of this situation is that since you are willing and able to accept your role in the divorce, you'll be able to learn and prosper, while he continues to make the same stupid mistakes with every new woman he meets, because he's perfect, after all, so why change anything.
Re: Was I wrong? Lumpy: Sounds like B.S. guilt transferance to me. "If you weren't so upset about me wanting to divorce you, I wouldn't want to divorce you?" Okaaayyy.....Tell him to let you know when he gets his head out of his ass.
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