Limbo...Do I wait for him to make up his mind...or decide for him? Girlyburd: So Ive been thinking I need to start writing in a journal, documenting my thoughts because there are so many I can't keep track of them all in my mind. Then I come across this site and so far, it's been very therapuetic for me.
One month ago (just before Christmas) my husband of 6 1/2 years, whom I share 4 children with, decided that maybe we werent meant for each other. As crazy as that sounded to me at the time, now that Ive had four weeks to think about it, and he sort of had a point...maybe.
Basically the luster of our marriage has dulled. Ive found ways of dealing with this issue, he seems to be having trouble with it. Ive just started working on a my nursing degree and that has kept me very busy. He works late and we basically have been living like two single parents in the same home, just opposite of each other. We have an enormous amount of love for each other, but are not fully meeting each others needs.
We've sort of grown apart, and I guess what Im wondering is if it's worth breaking up a family over? There are things that he enjoys that I have no interest in, like fishing and college football. I don't see myself ever having interest in these topics, and that's where he would like to spend any extra time he has. I would prefer to be doing projects around the house (remodeling). He considers that work and gets angry when I ask for his help. Not to mention that neither of us gets along very well with the others family, but none of them live near enough to intervene.
I think it could work, but he's not sure he could be happy. I can't save it on my own, and he's been doing things like going to watch an afternoon game at a bar and not coming home til 2:30am without calling. I can't let him walk all over me, but he's not sure he wants to leave. I feel like he's just testing the waters, waiting to see if something better comes along. If it does, I have no doubts that he will take the offer. If it doesnt, he'll stay where he's comfortable and wait it out.
How long do I let him stick around until it's not his decision to make anymore?
>:(
Re: Limbo...Do I wait for him to make up his mind...or decide for him? RSGinATX: hi Gb, welcome to Ojar.
IMHO, you don't do either. You don't wait for him(because he may never)...and you don't decide for him. Rather, you set out the groundwork for what needs to change to save your marriage. Counseling, finding mutual interests, trying to rekindle the flame..whatever. Lay it out for him..if he chooses not to do anything then he's made his choice. To me, when someone pledges 'forever' to you, they commit themselves to the future...if he rejects considering the future he's rejecting his commitment(assuming your desires are reasonable).
Re: Limbo...Do I wait for him to make up his mind...or decide for him? pharmer: I know this is a hard decision. Everybody has their own breaking point. I believe you should take a long hard look at your relationship and focus on the positive. Think of your children and what a divorce would do to them. Marriage is not supposed to be easy. When 2 people live together day in and day out for so long it is not too surprising that issues arise, get suppressed and end up snowballing until things are way out of control. People can survive having different interests, it just takes a little more effort. You seem like you have at least a foundation to build on. Go to marriage counseling, schedule a babysitter more often, take a trip, try to find what got lost between the 2 of you. The easy thing to do would be to just say forget it – it is over. The easy way isn’t always best however.
Re: Limbo...Do I wait for him to make up his mind...or decide for him? Girlyburd: The easy thing for me to do is sweep it under the rug and just keep going. He doesnt see that as an option, and I understand. He says he's not sure I am capable of being who he wants me to be, and if that means giving up any of who I am, then he's right.
Ive put an offer on the table, suggested compromise on the issues he has, and he doesnt seem much interested in accepting. He seems to want all or nothing, black or white, win or lose. I consider myself a genuine person, true to myself and my relationship. If that isnt enough to keep him, then I have no more to offer, and if I tried it would be artificial and short lived.
A mutual friend has offered him a place to stay til he sorts it out. Ive come to the conclusion that this may be best for now and urged him to take the offer. The tension in our house is emense and Im sure the kids can feel it and I dont want that.
So we are meeting tonight to draw up the arrangements. I think maybe after some time apart it will be more clear.
Re: Limbo...Do I wait for him to make up his mind...or decide for him? 2GoodHeartedPeople: I read your post and I would have to say that is sounds like the equities of your marriage have not been set? My wife and I have tried defining these, but it is hard. Hopefully with therapy we can define them.
If the equities are set then there is no disrepect on most things that come up for arguement. lets say for example that your husband and you agreed to one remodel project a year. He knows this and you know it. When/where how that is to be determined but even I would willingly hold the paint can and pull the masking tape knowing that it was a agreement and she was concerned for my thoughts on the project. Us guys love to feel respected, but when there is no agreement and we feel taken advantage of we would rather watch the game then hold the paint can.
Any way that is only one example, but something that may help is for me "I like to know that I am not going to end up holding the paint can every weekend. It might sound absurd, but just knowing the agreement would make it all worth while.
On the same token the guys should agree to what they get to do. Neither party should have to feel used or abused and if they do, therapy (I hope for us) will fix it.
Do I sound like your husband?
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