Fell off the wagon today seabreezy1010: Oh god, i feel like I fell off the wagon today. I have been doing okay this week. New years was hard, but once through that, things were better. My daughter and I started to get moved, and not having that every day interaction with my ex was better. Last night I did not sleep well. I had a lot of bad dreams and dreams about my ex. Today I was having a boring day at work so I did what I swore I would never do. I went into my ex's email. This was really stupid. The last time I went on there, it was filled with emails to and from the O/W. The were graphic and not fun to read. This is why I said I never would do this again. Today I did, and the emails were there and bad again. This made me feel horrible, and I never should have done this. I feel like I just took a few steps backwards, and I feel bad. Help me stop doing this, i am driving myself crazy.
Re: Fell off the wagon today Girlyburd: Ive done this, it's never a good idea.
Does he know you have his password? It would be better if you didn't know it. Then you wouldnt be tempted to peek.
Its like driving the dagger straight into your own heart. You feel your heart sink deeper into your stomach with every word you read.
Its the part of us that needs to be in control of whats happening to us that demands we know every detail, but its pure poisonous knowledge and Im sure you know this.
On the other hand, if you were looking to fuel your fire, there it is. ;)
Re: Fell off the wagon today seabreezy1010: He only uses a couple of passwords and one is my daughters name. I find myself wishing that I did not know it, so I could not look. It is exactly like what you said. I knew when I opened it, I shouldnt, but its like a train wreck. You shouldnt watch, but you are compelled to. I feel like its a bad addiction that I have to know what they are saying and doing. Its a horrible feeling.
Re: Fell off the wagon today flowersdirtandgardengirl: And here I was thinking I was all alone with this one. It remains my only extrondinarily hard to control compulsion.
We think it gives us more power because we know what they are doing. Wrong. It took all the power out from me for days, weeks, months, whatever. It armed me with information I could do nothing with. It kept me sleepless and hungry for weeks.
We think it keeps them in our lives because we know their daily activities. It kept him in my life when I was so already out of his. It only proved to me that I was sinking into the tar pit of our breakup while he, clearly, was not.
It also showed me what a despicable human being he can be. I saw him raw and uncensored and it shocked me with the things he said about women, himself, and to a very little extent me. I saw him refer to me as "that f-ing bitch" and later "that lesbian bitch" (which was random) and that was the ONLY time he ever made mention of me at all, ever.
So, I said enough. But it took me months to get here and I still have the urge to do it. My heart races and my hands shake and the only way I can control it is to walk away, not check my mail, not do whatever it was that I was going to do instead.
You'll get there. You might have to drag yourself through the glass for a bit but eventually you stop wanting to know. It hurts too much after too long.
best of luck,
gg
Re: Fell off the wagon today lexi1012: I found out about my ex's so called female "friend" by checking his e-mail. I couldn't stop myself from confronting him so that was the end of me checking his e-mail! I was glad, though. I didn't want to read any more. I did print it out and whenever I miss him, I read it and realize he is not worth it. He was also stupid enough to leave a paper with her address in our car. I called her - no regrets, though. It felt good knowing that she knew I knew. This was 5 months ago so I am feeling much better and moving on....
Click More for the next page.
