Sad Story jperk: Hi all-
This is my first time posting and I am really new to this. About eight days before Christmas my husband of almost 10 years wrote me a letter and told me that he is unhappy and wants a divorce. I was really shocked and could not believe he was doing this. We have two small children almost 8 and 3.5. We meet in high school and we got married right after I graduated from college. He says that he is not sure if he ever loved me and that he is not attracted to me anymore.
I know that this is the same thing that many of you are going through right now, but here is where I need some help. I know that my husband is depressed but will not admit it even to himself. He has a family history (mom, grandma, and uncle (who committed suicide)). None of them have ever admitted it and gotten help for it. I am worried about him and anytime I mention anything he just dismisses it. About four years ago, he got laid off from a job in design that he loved and had to go back to housekeeping in the same company, just to have a job. Then a couple of years later, he got fired from coaching volleyball at a local high school after changing to a new school. He had been coaching for about 9 years. He was devastated and he still has no idea why he was fired. Anyways, since then he has not found anything else to get involved in that makes him happy. I am not sure if he even knows how to be happy.
My opinion is that instead of looking at all of these things that added to his unhappiness he has decided that if he could just get rid of me he could be happy. I have explained to him that it is not my job to make him happy, but to be part of his happiness. This is a realization that I have made since he asked for the divorce. I have been trying to make him happy for the last 15 years and I can't do that for him, he must do that for himself. But the frustrating part is that I don't know what I can do to help him? I really think that he needs medication or exercise or something to get him out of this funk. If any of you have any suggestions, please advise me.
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Re: Sad Story Zipsfb: Welcome to ojar, I don't have any experience with divorce, but I have plenty of first hand experience with depression.
All I can say is try to be as loving and understanding as possible. It sounds like he is pushing you away, and that you really love him. It's a personal call, but you need to decide where the line is between supportive wife and overbearing. He probably does need you and is looking for a quick fix. This burden has been put on you, which may/may not be justified... I would try and talk to him and let him know you really do want to make him happy. Find out what he feels is going wrong, what he thinks you have done wrong to make him want to leave, and see if you can work with him.
A different angle is required it sounds like, so maybe try something you have never tried before as far as cheering him up/having fun. He is lucky to have someone as caring as you to look out for him. Depression is hard on both the person with it and the person's loved ones, so try to be as patient as possible. I hope it all works out, you've found a great place for help/advice.
Re: Sad Story snkpack5: Wow, I'm not sure if anything I say here will be helpful. I would say that maybe a trial separation would be in order but I'm not sure if that would be something you're okay with. You can't fix someone else and you're not responsible for that. YOU ARE SO RIGHT. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS HAPPINESS THAT SHOULD COME FROM SOMEWHERE INSIDE HIMSELF. Consider what this relationship is doing to you. Can you really continue to live with someone who has these issues and is in denial? Can you continue to allow him to push you away while you fruitlessly attempt to help him. People can only be helped if they want to be helped.
