Re: Let me ask ya'll this... marfanoidus: This is a great topic, and a great opportunity for some of us to perhaps find some new perspectives.
From one perspective there was hurt/pain/cheating/betrayal/etc in the past, and now in the present there are residual questions. Questions like
"Will I ever be able to fully love again?"
"Can I trust again?" (this is a biggie, but maybe it should be another show)
Hardened hearts and astronomical trust issues abound.
This is all normal. Its a (perhaps subconscious) self-defense mechanism. Its identical to burning your hand on the stove: your brain remembers the cause and effect, and makes every effort to avoid repeating the pain. Emotional pain, though, can be so much harder to figure out and avoid. There are emotional parts of us that want to love again, that want to be loved again, that want to share life with someone again. And all that comes with the risk of repeating various pains, and thus our brains try to put on the brakes because they recognize the potential repeat.
Here's the deal: most things in life come with the risk of losing them. You can win a fortune, but it can be taken away from you. Our looks can be taken from us by disease, accident, or old age. Our loved ones can be taken from us. We can lose our jobs, our cars, etc... You can put all your effort into building your dream car, years and $$$$, and it can be taken from you in a hearbeat. I'm a father, that can never be taken from me, but my child could be.
Relationships are no different. To have them (and all they offer), you MUST risk losing them. Maybe this where the question "Is it better to love and lose it than to never love at all?" comes from.
What can we do? We can hold onto our fear, or actually allow the fear to hold onto us. Thats certainly an option. There are other options available to us, though. Here's the one that worked for me:
I chose to say "I will love again. I will give another relationship everything I have to offer. I will blindly trust again, and I will not carry distrust forward into my next relationship. And if I get hurt again, big deal. I survived it once, I can survive it again. But I have to try to be happy."
It worked for me. I have a great girlfriend, a great relationship, and a great opportunity of long term happiness together (I apologize if that came across as bragging). However, I wouldn't have this great moment or the hopes of tomorrow with her if I had allowed my fear to control me.
So, all we have to do is ask ourselves the following question: do I want a new relationship (and all that can come with it) enough to risk enduring all hurt that will come if I lose it?
And I most certainly agree that timing and growth are essential elements to any relationship, particularly post-breakup relationships.
good luck to everyone,
walt
