When should I tell my STBX? bleedingheart: I've got a situation that I don't know how to handle. My STBX and I separated in early December. She wants to remain good friends. I have started beginning to get used to be just friends. Things are going okay considering i feel saddened whenever i see her. We live together still until I move to another city in Feb. She will move too in March. My counsellor tells me that it would be a wise idea to stop being friends until i have healed otherwise each time we get together and do "friend" stuff, i will still feel sad after when i go home. This means no family dates because it'll confused the kids into thinking that mommy and daddy are together again. By staying friends while healing will stretch out the pain.
Since she did the breaking, i may be used as a shoulder to lean onto until she finds someone else that will take my place. I don't want to prolong the pain or be used like that. This means i can still act "friendly" towards her, i just can't talk to or spend time with her like a friend, can't talk about personal things or anything pertaining to my life, hers, the future etc. I am to keep the conversation short unless it has something to do with the kids. Someday we will be able to become friends again, but now right now.
My questions now :
When should I tell her? After we all move to regina, or in feb when i move?
Should i even tell her at all or just proceed to set things in motion?
Confused,
BH
Re: When should I tell my STBX? Suddenly Single: Well are you currently doing the friend activities now? Do you think you need to sit down and explain it to her or can you just withdraw from the situations? I'm a little torn on this - becuase by sitting down and telling her that is setting yourself in a situation again and also setting yourself up for what she will say in response to this which may or may not cause you more pain?
you are all moving to the same city? how many kids? how old? how far will you be living from each other? when is divorce final?
Re: When should I tell my STBX? tara: I'd tell her now. You're prolonging the inevitable. I don't think I'd withdraw without telling her -- I'd wonder what was up if someone, even my ex, disappeared on me without warning. Nothing fancy, just what you told us: "I think that us spending time together right now is doing more harm than good, and I need some time to myself. I'm going to need to limit my contact with you to matters of child, moving, divorce. Maybe in time we can become friends, but right now it's not working."
I must say I've never been big on the idea that kids ALWAYS get confused if they see Mommy and Daddy together doing "family" things. Some do, some don't. Sure, if they're kissy and it's like nothing's different, that can be confusing. But I know people who have been divorced for years but still open presents together on Christmas morning. My ex-husband's stepfather golfed with his father after his parents parted on friendly terms. He also harbored no back-toghether fantasies. And J and his ex-wife often have dinner during a custody exchange (and they did Christmas -- with me, too, eek -- together this year). But their daughter has no illusions about her parents being together (she really has no memory of it). She knows dad and Tara are together, and mom and M are together.
But if it's disturbing your kids, or YOU, then you need to do something.
Re: When should I tell my STBX? bleedingheart: [quote author=SS link=topic=24023.msg224544#msg224544 date=1137170794">
Well are you currently doing the friend activities now? Do you think you need to sit down and explain it to her or can you just withdraw from the situations? I'm a little torn on this - becuase by sitting down and telling her that is setting yourself in a situation again and also setting yourself up for what she will say in response to this which may or may not cause you more pain?
you are all moving to the same city? how many kids? how old? how far will you be living from each other? when is divorce final?
[/quote">
We talk when we are at home together. We are moving to the same city, with two kids. They are 8years old and 18 months. I understand that our 18 month may not be affected. Not sure when the devorce is final. We have to be separated for a year before we can get a legal separation. It may take one or more years. It should hurt regardless of how i do it, and so i just have to prepare myself.
Re: When should I tell my STBX? bleedingheart: [quote author=tara link=topic=24023.msg224554#msg224554 date=1137171448">
I'd tell her now. You're prolonging the inevitable. I don't think I'd withdraw without telling her -- I'd wonder what was up if someone, even my ex, disappeared on me without warning. Nothing fancy, just what you told us: "I think that us spending time together right now is doing more harm than good, and I need some time to myself. I'm going to need to limit my contact with you to matters of child, moving, divorce. Maybe in time we can become friends, but right now it's not working."
I must say I've never been big on the idea that kids ALWAYS get confused if they see Mommy and Daddy together doing "family" things. Some do, some don't. Sure, if they're kissy and it's like nothing's different, that can be confusing. But I know people who have been divorced for years but still open presents together on Christmas morning. My ex-husband's stepfather golfed with his father after his parents parted on friendly terms. He also harbored no back-toghether fantasies. And J and his ex-wife often have dinner during a custody exchange (and they did Christmas -- with me, too, eek -- together this year). But their daughter has no illusions about her parents being together (she really has no memory of it). She knows dad and Tara are together, and mom and M are together.
But if it's disturbing your kids, or YOU, then you need to do something.
[/quote">
Thanks Tara, I think I'll do this real soon. I should do it in person and keep it short. The problem is I still live with her and will see her until the end of the month. I should wait until it is closer to the moving date. Thank you very much.
BH
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