Helping with guilt andya: My wife left me two months after telling me she had had a one night stand, in a way on accident, with a guy we both know very well. She had gone to a bar with some friends for one of the friend's bachelorette party. This other guy was there with some friends as well. At about 10pm this guy called me to tell me that she was getting pretty drunk, but not to worry about her because he'd make sure she got home Ok. Now I've known this guy very well, and although I do often question his ethics, I don't think he'd do what he did intentionally too. I got another call from him at like 1:30am telling me that they'd be home in a while, they were just waiting for a cab. I fell asleep assuming that everything would be ok. At around 5am in the morning, I was woken up by my wife getting into bed. She was drunker than hell but she clung to me like she'd never clung to me before.
For the next few weeks, everything seemed to be normal, but after a while she started distancing herself from me. She'd go out with her parents at least two to three times a week. She was spending money like mad. And then she did something she'd never done with me before that was completely unlike her. We went camping with some close friends by a lake, and she convinced me to go skinny dipping with them. This was more on the lines of something I would want and she'd never think of. Then another night shortly after she told me about her one nighter, she was going to have a threesome with me and another girl (something I'd want but she'd never think of ordinarily). It would have happened to, but I told her I didn't think it was what she wanted and if it wasn't not to do it, and she didn't.
We've spent the last 2-3 months trying to work things out, and nothing seems to work. We keep just getting upset with each other over other things and end up arguing. I havn't brought up the one night stand since they day she told me about it accept for once when we were discussing the possibility that her feeling might be because of guilt. We got in a fight last friday, and she walked out, took our daughter, and hasn't spent much time with me since. Things seem to be getting worse.
What can I do? Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? Should I try to talk to the guy who she had sex with, and sit down with the three of them and discuss it? How can I help her?
Re: Helping with guilt 2GoodHeartedPeople: Hey man, this really sucks. I'll tell you one thing. You can't help her. Nope, won't work. She can only help herself. This situation is terrible and one I don't know what I would do in it, but I do know this. You need to focus on you and what you need.
Your guys trust is gone. There will be no guessing now. I suggest just to love and respect her if that is possible. But do what you need to do.
In the end of your life it won't matter what she did, it will only matter what you did. I believe
Re: Helping with guilt frontier74: Hey andya,
Your wife has already heard from you that you've forgiven her, but she won't let it go. I suspect she feels like she deserves to suffer and it's sort of a repayment to you and a punishment for herself. Even though you've forgiven her, if you haven't actually discussed what it was that you are forgiving, and the fact that it was very hurtful and requires forgiving, then she may not be able to feel it's completely sincere.
About the only thing that you can do is help her to understand that she can't change the past, so obsessing over it will only cause misery, for the whole family. Let her know that you want her to let go of it, because although her suffering is causing her pain, which is undeserved and serves no real purpose (no one deserves to suffer for a mistake), it is also causing you pain, and will end up causing pain to your daughter as well.
Don't try to excuse her actions though. It will only cause her to doubt whether you truly understand how of big a deal it is. She screwed up bad and hurt you, but she can't fix it by continuing to hurt you and bringing your daughter into the mess.
The situation can only get better if she chooses to let go of her suffering.
By the way, this is now between you and your wife, this other guy has absolutely no place in the situation -- physically or otherwise. Don't make it about him, and especially don't make it about them. I would suggest that he be nothing but some guy that neither of you talk to anymore.
Re: Helping with guilt dontgetit: The other guy should not come into this at all...
This is between you and your wife - if you have forgiven and I REALLY MEAN FORGIVEN then go to councelling....
This is something that probably will take time to get over and it sounds to me like there might be other issues....
Honestly unless the guy raped her she did it because she wanted too (booze or not)....Perhaps that is why she is acting the way she is....
I hope you can make it work - if that is what you want, you sound like a decent guy who like myself got caught up in an ugly situation....
Do not blame the other guy, it will not help - do not blame her, it will not help..... Either show empathy and compassion or leave.....
Re: Helping with guilt threetimeloser: The tension of the situation got to both of you which is why you fought. You may have forgiven but obviously not forgotten. Sometimes our body reacts in certain ways, a shrug, stiffness, some undesireable signal that lets the other now that you are still hurt. Look inside yourself and weigh how much you love her. Is she a romantic person? Then go after her. Movie style. Flowers in hand, scream to as many people who can hear that you love her. Let her know that no matter what it is that she means to you. It sounds corney but she needs a big demonstration that everything is alright, not just a discussion.
Like frontier said, she is punishing herself. This is why all of a sudden she has suggested the skinny dipping and threesome. She wants somehow to make up for what she did. It is up to you if equal footing is better than love.
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