Self-preservation - HELP!!! charmed: Ok, some of you may have read my posts about my ex still needing to pick up his MANY belongings from my home. Getting his crap out of my house isn't the problem. His crap doesn't bother me. It's the manner in which I deal with this and save myself from being hurt further and saving my sanity that matters. He's had opportunities, but disappears everytime his crap is mentioned, until recently and he seems to be more serious.
Here's my choices:
1. I have a friend that will store my ex's crap and let him pick them up at his house. This keeps me from having to see him. We've had very little contact since the break-up in May and I don't like his nonchalant attitude LOL If he has this same attitude in person and walks out the door without care, I know I will be back to square one, at least temporarily. This plan also lets him off too easily LOL It also sends a message that I don't want to see him and that isn't exactly the case. I simply don't want to be hurt further by how he may act.
2. I can allow him to come here and face him. Do I deserve to hurt more by doing this? Is it worth taking the chance that "maybe" he might talk and clear some things up - maybe even act human? If his emails are an indicator of what he would do in person, I'm doomed!!! But while we were together he was a loving and sensitive man. Never one that wants to hurt others. Which do I go on now?
The thought of seeing him gets me extremely nervous. Maybe I have avoidance issues or maybe it's about knowing I don't deserve to be hurt more.
3. I could set everything on my front deck and give him a day and time to pick them up. He has a two and a half hour drive so this would have to be preplanned. If he lived locally, I wouldn't have this much trouble because I could call him on a day that I felt up to it, but unfortunately this isn't the case. PREPLANNING is my killer!!! LOL
With this plan he has to come near me, but not so near me LOL He would have the choice in knocking on the door, if he's man enough LOL Or simply picking up his crap and leaving. There would be a choice.
I'm very torn because he lives out of state and it's not like I'm going to have the opportunity to see him on the streets. Do I pass up a possible opportunity for more closure or give myself an opportunity to be hurt more?
This shouldn't be this hard, but having had very little contact and closure makes me feel like I would be facing a stranger. Letting a seriel killer into my home feels easier now!!!
Again, this isn't about his belongings, but about how to deal with them for my best emotional interest and not have regrets or be torn up worse.
Any suggestions will be appreciated ;D
`charmed
Re: Self-preservation - HELP!!! frontier74: I would say you should base your decision on what you feel you can "actually" handle. Could you handle him being completely calm and detached? Try to think of some of the different ways it might go, and then decide, ahead of time, what a healthy response would be to each.
If you don't trust yourself not to lose it, then leave the stuff with your friend and just forget about it. It's not really avoidance as long as you feel that there is no good that would come from seeing him again. If you truly feel like you could gain closure or answers, then figure out exactly what that means to you and then decide the best way to go about getting it.
Re: Self-preservation - HELP!!! charmed: [quote"> If you don't trust yourself not to lose it[/quote">
Thank you for your response Frontier.
that's it. I don't trust myself LOL Most days I feel that I could go through with seeing him, but in having to preplan this I cannot predict how I will feel. I guess my reaction will have a lot to do with how he acts and geez, I have NO idea what that might be. While we were together I was so in-tune with him. I knew and understood his moods. Now he's a stranger. ::)
Re: Self-preservation - HELP!!! C-Note: [quote author=charmed link=topic=24032.msg224723#msg224723 date=1137190145">
that's it. I don't trust myself LOL Most days I feel that I could go through with seeing him, but in having to preplan this I cannot predict how I will feel. I guess my reaction will have a lot to do with how he acts and geez, I have NO idea what that might be. While we were together I was so in-tune with him. I knew and understood his moods. Now he's a stranger. ::)
[/quote">
I don't trust myself either around my Ex.
Doing anything to build expectations in you that can only be fulfilled by your Ex should be avoided. Hoping he chooses to knock on the door if you place his things on the porch would set yourself up to be let down. The risk is 50 / 50. Even if he does knock you gamble again that he will say something, which will make things better.
The only viable option with guaranteed favorable results is leaving his things at a friend’s house. Being human I would not fault you for taking the risks. We all have to place our heart on the line sometimes.
Re: Self-preservation - HELP!!! charmed: Thank you c-note for your reponse.
It's nice to know you understand my emotions, but it sucks to be so apprehensive about seeing someone you've shared so much with.
I'm caught between sparing myself further damage or taking a chance of something positive coming out of this. Truth be told, I think I would be ok with him coming here and me simply not having a nervous breakdown LOL, regardless of what comes from it.
Maybe I need to grow balls LOL Or maybe I'm hurt a little too deep and that has disabled my ability to deal with this at the present time. Sometimes I feel like a coward, although in every other area of my life you'd think I'm a rock - a very hard rock LOL
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