Re: Self-preservation - HELP!!! frontier74: [quote author=charmed link=topic=24032.msg224723#msg224723 date=1137190145">
that's it. I don't trust myself LOL Most days I feel that I could go through with seeing him, but in having to preplan this I cannot predict how I will feel.[/quote">
In the perfect scenario, how would you act toward him? After being with you so long, and because of the situation, he probably knows exactly how to get to you, without even looking like he's trying. As you said, he can do it with nothing more than his demeanor. Just tell yourself, "I'm not going to let him do it to me!" Get angry if you have to. Keep a close eye on yourself as you interact with him and you should be fine. Stay mindful of your emotional state, and if you find yourself getting angry or anxious, use that as a "red flag" to tell you you're in danger, then do what you have to do to avert it.
Re: Self-preservation - HELP!!! charmed: [quote"> In the perfect scenario, how would you act toward him? [/quote">
I would remain calm, polite, friendly, but not kiss ass. Similar to how I would greet the Avon lady LOL
[quote"> After being with you so long, and because of the situation, he probably knows exactly how to get to you, without even looking like he's trying.[/quote">
You know him well LOL
[quote"> Just tell yourself, "I'm not going to let him do it to me!" Get angry if you have to. Keep a close eye on yourself as you interact with him and you should be fine. Stay mindful of your emotional state, and if you find yourself getting angry or anxious, use that as a "red flag" to tell you you're in danger, then do what you have to do to avert it.[/quote">
Good suggestions. Only how would I avert myself if caught in this predictament? Run? Hide? Have a sudden need for a nap or shower? LOL
Re: Self-preservation - HELP!!! frontier74: [quote author=charmed link=topic=24032.msg224796#msg224796 date=1137200643">
Good suggestions. Only how would I avert myself if caught in this predictament? Run? Hide? Have a sudden need for a nap or shower? LOL
[/quote">
Anger usually hits when you're hurt by someone, or something is taken from you, or if you're threatened with either. Say for instance the two of you begin talking and he says something hurtful, like blaming you for the divorce. This, I'd assume, would make you very angry. What are you to do about it? Well, you could blow up and start throwing the blame back at him or you could just firmly and calmly state, "I'm not going to listen to you try to blame me, we both made mistakes -- I don't want to hear another word about it," or something similar. The trick is to be assertive, not aggressive.
Anxiety seems to crop up when there is something that we should be doing or a decision we need to make, which we know should be done, but we refuse to do it because it seems too hard or too scary.
The trick to get rid of anxiety is to be brave and do what you know is right, no matter how scary it is, and don't do it half-assed or tentatively -- own the decision.
The inability to do this is what I think causes so many people to end up with anxiety that last years after a divorce is final. They know they should give up hope, but they're unwilling. They'll even sometimes say that they're going to give it up, and they make a half-hearted attempt, but they still complain about how hard it is and fret over whether it's the right decision -- you know, maybe their ex might still see the error of their ways. They didn't truly own up to the decision. I'm sure everyone around here has probably noticed that when someone finally gives up the ghost, that's when the anxiety goes away and they start to get better. Some take far longer to do this than others.
Another example would be public speaking. Let's say you're scared spitless of speaking in front of others. There's three ways you can handle this, but only one will eventually get rid of the anxiety. You could choose to avoid it all together or you could go through with it, but sabotage yourself by not preparing or by making it painfully obvious to the audience that you have no idea what you're doing -- then probably complain and fret over it later.
Doing either of those things wouldn't touch your anxiety, but instead you could choose to make the decision to do it right, prepare as best you can and then get up there and be as calm and entertaining as you possibly can. Then, once it's over, you accept the results, good or bad, learn from it, and move on. It's by doing this you will actually gain confidence and make progress toward getting rid of the anxiety for good.
Maybe I've read too much psychology and self-help crap, but these two things really have worked for me. The most important thing here is to be able to get outside of your own head and see when these things are occuring. Luckily anger and anxiety have a way of getting your attention.
Re: Self-preservation - HELP!!! charmed: Frontier that is GREAT advice. You must have gotten inside my head LOL because what you said relates so much to me.
THANK YOU!!!
`charmed
