Ugh - I just destroyed this relationship BilgeD: I feel so terrible.
I had what started out as a casual relationship with a woman for about two years. Began as simple flirting, and then progressed into more serious relationship/friendship.
We began getting closer during the beginning of the year. I'm not sure what happened but then, during this summer she began dating someone else. Once there was someone else in the picture, I had realized that my feelings for her had become stronger. I tried finding time to tell her this, but her communications with me soon fell away. I hardly heard from her, she never returned my emails. Finally, during the fall, I sent her an email that telling her how I loved her. She never replied and I figured that nailed the coffin closed. This commenced about a month and a half of no contact.
Then, during the holidays, she emailed me - wishing me happy holidays and asking to meet up for a meal and to celebrate the new year. Not knowing what to think, I agreed and we met just after the New Year.
The evening started off casually enough - good food and some wine. We talked about our holidays. Here I learned she was still with her current boyfriend. It made me a bit sad - and confused. Nothing was mentioned about my "I love you" email. I found it difficult to bring it up during the meal - particularly given that we were having a good time, and I didn't want to deflate the conversation with heavy talk about it. Still I was confused. Why were we meeting if she knew how I felt and she was seeing someone she was serious about?
After dinner we were saying goodbye. I asked her if I could kiss her good night and she declined. I soon felt sad - and she could tell. I was drunk from two martinis and I felt like I couldnt bring up the "I love you" mail now, - not while we parting and not during this rejection. We said our goodbyes and I left in a cab.
While in the cab, I felt bad putting such a downer on the end of the evening. I called her on my mobile and apologized. I then made the mistake of bringing up the email. She said that she had received it and didn't know what to say - but it was one of the nicest mails she had ever received. I then poured my heart out to her - and went into how much I loved her and to what lengths I had been thinking about her during our months of no contact. She expressed that she had fallen in love with me earlier in our relationship, but had been reluctant to tell me. However, she was now involved with someone else and couldn't just end it right then and there because of how I now felt. I then proceeded to go on and on about how I loved her and how great a woman she is. She then expressed that she didn't want to hurt me and didn't want to give me false hope (I never found out why she said this specifically, but I feel it was because she is really serious about her bf). She suggested we meet at a later date and discuss the matters when she wasn't as tired and I wasn't as drunk. I then gave her an ultimatum of saying that she could either have me in her life or not. She then said she didn't want to have to answer it at this monent, and how special I was to her. After what seemed like hours, she finally said "no."
Ugh - I just destroyed this relationship - pt. II BilgeD: (continued from above)
Devastated, I made some quick small talk and ended the phone call. The next day, I didnt know what to do with myself. I wanted to reach out to her but I gave it a day and then shot her a quick email saying that we should have waited to have the conversation as she suggested (and without alcohol). She didnt reply. I then called her today and left a voicemail saying how sorry I was and that her friendship is what's most important to me and that I would like to have that conversation at some point. I ended the voicemail with a "please call, or at least send me an email saying you got this message."
I just now received a mail from her saying she received the message. She made no reference to accepting my apology nor made no reference to meeting up to discuss these matters. She only said that she knows that this is a very hard point in my life (a whole other story) and that I should remember that I have friends that love and support me (wondering if she was including herself in that group). I was also tempted to reply, but I don't want her to feel I baited her with a confirmation email. In fact, I'm a bit happy that she felt inclined to reply at all.
The end.
I now feel so terrible - and I feel there's no recourse with this woman who I fell in love with, and didn't tell her in time.
Logically, it seems I ruined this. From not recognizing her falling for me earlier this year and for me not recognizing my feelings soon enough - and finally my drunken blather about how much I loved her - I can't believe I really lost someone I loved and loved me in return, nor can I believe I lost someone whose friendship I cherished so. I know time might eventually heal things here, but given how serious she is becoming with her current bf, it looks like I might never have the chance now.
Thanks for reading through this long story. If anyone has any thoughts or feeling about the above, I'd love to hear them.
Re: Ugh - I just destroyed this relationship snkpack5: I honestly feel ultimatums are never the way to go. You're putting someone into a "forced" situation and the pressure is never good in a relationship or would be relationship.
Don't feel too bad. If she really has feelings for you, she will continue to be a part of your life no matter what. Perhaps a romance will bloom with some time. But you seriously need to back off or you'll just push her away.
Re: Ugh - I just destroyed this relationship BilgeD: You're right, snkpack5. If had been sober during the conversation, I'm sure I wouldn't have pushed her to that point (at least I hope so).
I do think you're also right about the "feelings = continued connection." I guess right now, I don't see how I might hear from her again - it seems it will take years for the awkwardness of the conversation to dissipate - and for her to feel comfortable reaching out to me again.
Re: Ugh - I just destroyed this relationship alonewith2: It's hard to remain friends with someone after they have revealed feelings for you that aren't necessarily reciprocated. It puts the person in an awkward position. They will have to watch everything they say, every move they make in order for it to not be perceived incorrectly.
I'm not saying that it was wrong for you to profess your feelings to her. I'm just giving you some food for thought on how she may be feeling about your friendship now. Give her some space, let some time pass by, and then send her a simple email telling her hello.
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