does it make him feel like more of a man? flowersdirtandgardengirl: I feel like, for the most part, I’ve figured out the hardest aspects of this break up. I feel like I’ve gone through the irascible anger, the insurmountable pain. I wore my sorrow openly and daily. I ran and ran and ran. I forced myself to see all the good things in my life and stop assigning my happiness, my joy, my life to him. I crawled on my hands and my knees through the improbable, impossible, lonely terrain of reckoning yourself with the knowledge that one such person as him simply did not love me back. Simply did not love me back any more than a square peg ever fits (in spite of your force) into a round hole.
So I get most of that and I feel like I’ve literally been through it. As if I were to turn around and look back, my footprints would still be fresh in the mud. But what I do not get, what I do not understand, is why, is why, is why, he behaved the way he did, why he said such horrible, awful things. What I do not get is why he had to throw napalm onto and over everything, as if it simply weren’t enough to say “I’m truly sorry, but I do not love you, nor do I want a life with you this way”. Instead he had to go out and around saying the worst of things about me, telling all the people that we once loved dearly and together, that being with me was like a sickness to him, that I was fat, boring and ugly. Instead he had to go out and virtually rejoice that he had dumped me, telling everyone who would listen, that he hadn’t been happier in years.
He had all the power and from the beginning. Ever since the first breath of this break up it was always on his terms. So why then, why then, why then did he need to be so abusive with it? Why did he need to flaunt it so? Did it make him feel better? Did it make him feel like more of a man? Did it make him feel better about himself to tell old friends “I had a girlfriend for a while but I kicked that bitch’s ass to the curb after two and a half years”? Did that accomplish him anything? Did that really bring him into a more golden light? He had all the power and from the beginning, why did he have to use it like that? Why did he have to tell my friends how awesome, how amazing, how incredible sex was with other women, how happy he was to be living his life every day wasted and drunk?
This is what I struggle with still and daily. It breaks my heart, it hurts my feelings, it makes me question everything I ever thought to be true about myself, about this person, about me. I do not understand how someone who was once so close and so tender, someone who was once a lover, a friend, could spearhead a mud campaign like this one. I would have taken everything. I would have accepted the “I do not, maybe did not ever, love you. I want different things in my life than you, I am young and stupid and dumb still and I need time and space to be that. Please let me go, and I’ll let you go, too”. I would have taken that. I would have healed and moved on and done better for it. But he has had all the power and from the beginning, why did he need to use it like this? Why did he need to burn everything about me beyond all recognition, beyond all repair? Did it make it any easier for him? Did it make him feel better about himself? Does it make him feel like more like a man?
Re: does it make him feel like more of a man? PickingUpThePieces: I'm sure it does make him feel better about the situation to badmouth you to everyone. It reinforces to himself that he made the "right" choice by ending the relationship and that his life is so much better now that he can get drunk every night and sleep with anything with a heartbeat. I'm sure it must have been fun for a while but now it must be getting old so he has to convince himself that he's still having a great time living it up.
Hang in there gg you have come so much farther than he has. :)
Re: does it make him feel like more of a man? Lumpy: [quote author=gg link=topic=24064.msg224903#msg224903 date=1137219768">
I crawled on my hands and my knees through the improbable, impossible, lonely terrain of reckoning yourself with the knowledge that one such person as him simply did not love me back. Simply did not love me back any more than a square peg ever fits (in spite of your force) into a round hole.
“I’m truly sorry, but I do not love you, nor do I want a life with you this way”. Instead he had to go out and around saying the worst of things about me, telling all the people that we once loved dearly and together, that being with me was like a sickness to him, that I was fat, boring and ugly. Instead he had to go out and virtually rejoice that he had dumped me, telling everyone who would listen, that he hadn’t been happier in years.
Ever since the first breath of this break up it was always on his terms. So why then, why then, why then did he need to be so abusive with it? Why did he need to flaunt it so? Did it make him feel better? Did it make him feel like more of a man? Why did he have to tell my friends how awesome, how amazing, how incredible sex was with other women, how happy he was to be living his life every day wasted and drunk?
I would have accepted the “I do not, maybe did not ever, love you. I want different things in my life than you, I am young and stupid and dumb still and I need time and space to be that.
[/quote">
Isn't it odd that after all the hand-wringing, the sleepless nights, trying to find order in the chaos of your mind that it all boils down to something so plain and simple? This person simply didn't love me. A hard truth but a useful one. He sounds very self-important to me gg. It's important to him that your friends know that he ended the relationship. That he's not fazed. Methinks he doth protest to much. If he was truly as happy and content with it I doubt he'd feel the need to be so vocal. The whole bit regarding the sex and drunken debauchary is just pathetic. How old is this guy? If those things are that important to him then he's not the guy for you. For him to admit that he's young and dumb would require some humility. It doesn't sound like that's a quality that he has an abundance of.
Re: does it make him feel like more of a man? Trying2Hope: You say a few times ... "He had all the power."
WTF? Why is that!?!?!?!
YOU GAVE HIM THE POWER. That was a stupid move. Take some of it BACK. Pick yourself up off your knees and symbolically throw the middle finger in the air and yell "YOU A$S-HOLE! HOW DARE YOU TREAT ME THIS WAY! YOU HURT ME! I MATTER! YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THE CHANCE TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS EVER EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!"
If he's bragging to his friends and bad-mouthing you, then just write that off as "He's an idiot with low-self-esteem issues."
I swear to God some people just make me want to puke. This guy obviously didn't know a good thing when he had it.
Re: does it make him feel like more of a man? flowersdirtandgardengirl: Bat,
I guess by "all the power" I mean, by being the one who broke my heart, he shouldn't have felt the need to reclaim anything. Usually when someone hurts you, you lash out or back or try to say desultory things about them. You shouldn't feel the need to advertise how much better your life is without them, how much better other people are than they are, how much "hotter" the sex is or whatever despicable detail he feels the need to devulge. Isn't it already a given that his life would improve without me? Isn't it already understood? Why be so cruel as to spell it out in plain language?
Lumpy,
I thought that too. I thought god, if it's so true, why spend all this time talking about it? But I'm still a standard issue human being with a faulty human heart and when someone goes out of their way to hurt me, usually it's not too hard to succeed, to some extent. Anyway, it's cruel and childish and I know I'll rise above it. Doesn't mean it makes sense to me. I don't understand why he feels the need to kick the crippled when he's so clearly standing on two strong feet.
:-\
gg
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