this is me, gg, needing a little help from you all... flowersdirtandgardengirl: I put a long vent up on vent-o-board, but I'm posting it again here in premium because I value everyone's opinions and thoughts here so much. If you didn't read the first version, my issue/question/problem/whatever is this:
I really want, so much, to try to understand why my ex has gone about saying such terrible, such horrible and awful things about me, and to people that he had to have known might bring it back to me. Why would someone who already broke your heart, who already turned your life and your head and your wolrd inside out, feel the need to go out and be so cruel? Why does he feel the need to tell everyone that he thought of us as a sickness, that he thinks I'm ugly and fat and boring. That he 'loves f-ing other women because sex with her f-ing sucked'. Why? Why do that? He already has all the power?! He already broke my heart so many times over? It's like walking into someone house who can't pay their electric bill and talking about your million dollar account in the Bahamas. It's like kicking a cripple or flaunting your $50 steak dinner at some kid in Somalia.
Does it make him feel better about himself? Does he feel like more of a man or something? If anyone has any experience or insight or anything into this I would appreciate it so much. It has broken my heart and sometimes I feel like it's broken my spirit. I understand that someone would want to say things about a person who has hurt them or wronged them or who they feel has served them an injustice. But to break up with somone, in such a cowardly manner as he did, to break their heart and everything else in between, and then do this?
I just don't understand and I want to so much. I want to make sense of this, I need to figure this one out.
Thanks all....
love,
gg :(
Re: this is me, gg, needing a little help from you all... C-Note: He left and is now talking about you to people you both know. Hmm. Sounds like he's still trying to convince himself he did the right thing. Trying to create support by turning your mutual friends against you. I guess doing these things may make him feel better knowing you will hear these remarks in time and get upset.
If these people are truely individuals who are good friends they will not jump to conclusions. They will judge for themselves what to think about the stories from both sides of the fence. What's done is done. If the relationship is over and you don't want to let him hurt you anymore I recommend telling individuals you don't want to hear anything about him or what he has said. Tell them it's over and you are moving on.
You can't controll what people think, so don't stress about it.
Re: this is me, gg, needing a little help from you all... frontier74: [quote author=gg link=topic=24065.msg224904#msg224904 date=1137220678">
I really want, so much, to try to understand why my ex has gone about saying such terrible, such horrible and awful things about me, and to people that he had to have known might bring it back to me.[/quote">
I think you answered part of your own question there. It sounds like your ex gets an emotional charge from being cruel to others. Narcissistic people often build themselves up by putting others down, and you're an easy target, since he already knows all your soft spots.
He is a pathetic child and not worth the time and energy you're spending wondering why he acts like a child.
Re: this is me, gg, needing a little help from you all... charmed: [quote"> Does it make him feel better about himself? Does he feel like more of a man or something? If anyone has any experience or insight or anything into this I would appreciate it so much.[/quote">
In some ways, yes it makes him feel better about himself. He feels more powerful.
I do have experience with this type of thing from my ex-husband. He said horrible, horrible things about me. He sent vulgar emails to my youngest daughter about me. When she didn't believe anything, they got worse. He even tried to convince her that he worked, came home and did EVERYTHING, from cleaning to cooking, etc. etc. etc. She LAUGHED and HARD LOL He forgot that she lived here and knew who did what. I don't have a lazy bone in my body and the reality was he worked at his paying job, came home and his time was his, outside of a few errands.
He even sent vulgar emails to my daughter's boyfriend accusing him of having sex with me. Anything and everything to try to run me to the ground.
He went to a writing website that I belong to and left vulgar comments saying that I'm a whore, a slut, an adultress, etc. He got a warning if anything further happened that he would get banned.
He threatened to put an ad in the newspaper telling about ME. What would he tell...??? LIES to make him look good.
I was the one that filed for divorce (LONG STORY). He filed a counterclaim and your hair would stand on end to read what he included. He had threatened to make sure everyone knew about "me" and would document it on county records. Well, the records are there LOL, but what he said was hogwash. He even went so far to say that I had done his laundry for many years of our marriage and then stopped abruptly. This is "somewhat" true. What he didn't include is that he got so sloppy that I could not distinguish his dirty clothes from his clean clothes. They were all over the place. We had separate bedrooms and when I could distinguish what was dirty, I cleaned them.
He made me out to be the worst human on earth. He took a tad of nothing and fabricated to the hilt. He said I had a picture on a yahoo profile looking MUCH younger. Well hell, what's wrong with that??? LMAO If I look younger or if I look my age, it's not exactly something that I can help.
He had several pages of hogwash, but used anything and everything in hopes of stomping me to the ground. If he couldn't do it, he hoped that public ridicule would do it. My lawyer was disgusted with him. He called him an a$$hole and said he acted as if he was above the law.
This man is mean, vindictive, spiteful and controlling. He was emotionally abusive throughout our marriage. This did not cease upon our divorce. He has repeatedly wished me dead. He sent an email saying that he wishes I get knocked up and die in childbirth.
This is an irrational and demented person. He tries to gain control and power by putting someone else down. It's out of his own self-hatred and guilt. If he can make me/you look bad, he just might look better to the outside world, but inside he knows what he's about. My husband lost what he held most dear - ME. Unfortunately, he never behaved as if I was dear to him. When he lost me, he lost control. If he couldn't have me, he would attempt to destroy me.
My ex-husband's words no longer have power. It took a while before I got to this point. It took a while before I didn't take his words personally. People knew who I am. His words did not take away the good character that I have always possessed. But, little by little, people do see who HE is.
I can honestly say that I have never treated my husband poorly. I have never shown him the disrespect that he has shown me. Like you said, it doesn't make sense to be treated so shabbily when you've done nothing to deserve it. An irrational mind does not make sense. "HE" is the problem, not you!!!
Continue to be the good person that you are and his words will lose power. I know they hurt, but in essence they are meaningless to who you really are.
I wish you the best ;D
`charmed
Re: this is me, gg, needing a little help from you all... flowersdirtandgardengirl: Thanks guys,
I wonder less that he's trying to turn mutual friends against me (it's not like they are apt to say, god you know, I never knew she was fat and ugly until you just said so and now I hate her too!) as much as hurt me intentionally. Which is what I guess I do not understand. If you know you already hurt someone a great deal just by breaking up with them alone, why go even further to rub salt in the wound? I just wonder what he gets out of it? Doesn't he feel 'good' about himself enough just knowing that he hurt someone who loved him?
I guess I just wondered if anyone had ever done this or felt like doing this or had some kind of explaination for such unnessecary cruelty, for taking such measures to inflict even more pain. I'd love to say I can rise above it all the time. Usually I can. But sometimes it still breaks my heart, you know?
Anyway, today it makes little sense to me but maybe someday it will. More than likely some day I just won't care...
love,
gg
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