Re: This is my story..........take care with it. Cherry: I moved in with him and found myself pregnant again shortly thereafter. I had gotten my cna license and so was working a good job and thought things were going well. The house was a piece of junk, bugs, mice, non working stove, washer hose hanging out of the widow because of a broken drain. But we were together and I thought that was all that mattered. I began having problems in my pregnancy and was ordered to have bed rest. He would not let me though. B would yell at me to get my own food, clean up this, take care of the child blah blah blah blah. I resumed work and shortly thereafter began bleeding. On Friday the 13th of September, I was in the hospital with the knowledge that my child was gone. That I would not be a mother again, my angel had gone to heaven.
When I came home he would not even sit up to talk to me. He asked me what the fuck was my problem and when I told him he said oh well. I packed my stuff and went to my aunt’s house. I lost our child by myself in the darkness that night. And the only time I heard from my ex was to ask me when I was going to get off my lazy ass and come take care of our son.
I went back, I had no where else to go. It was over for me and I was making the steps to leave. 2 weeks later (I had slept with him only twice) I was pregnant with my daughter. I told him to choose his friends and partying or his family. His answer was I will not choose. Mine was then you have made your choice. He threw me out pregnant, sick and with a 2 and a half year old child.
I moved into a trailer with my son and we were good. My buddy and I did everything together. His dad did not see him for almost 8 months. He was too busy. Later I found out he had a girlfriend with a child and he was with them. My pregnancy was very hard. I was anemic and dehydrated and in the hospital a few times. I did not gain very much weight and struggled very hard to make it with my child and the knowledge there was one on the way.
When the day came I was induced and in my weakness called him. He was strung out and told me to call him when “something happened” I told him I would be busy and he called me a bitch and hung up on me. I gave birth with my aunt and a friend in attendance and he came to see us the day after.
Re: This is my story..........take care with it. Cherry: I tried numerous times to get him to see his kids and take and active part but his life was his drugs, alcohol, and women. We tried the friendship thing, him coming over, hanging out, sleeping on my couch etc. The verbal abuse was so bad now. All day every day. The emotions were out of control. It came to a point one evening where I was trying to comfort my son. He was screaming at me and I tried to get past him. He shoved me and I kicked him in the shin. He hauled off and punched me so hard I could not breathe. My son sat wide eyed and watched it all.
Later that day my son told me that it scared him when me and his daddy argued. That was it for me. It has been 11 months no contact (except for the kids) and I am glad of it.
I found someone for the first time who I thought understood me. The man I thought saw me in spite of everything I had been thru and in 4 short months made himself very much a part of my kids and I lives. We talked every night and fell asleep with our web cams on. Made plans, silly as it sounds, for the future. I will not go into too much due to other complications. Needless to say he was talking to someone else and she was his choice. The cheating and lies hurt me but I am so much better than that. I deserve so much more than that, and would not want a man like that under any circumstances. I enjoyed our time anyways and learned more about myself and life from this.
I carry the guilt of my kids unhappiness, of their confusion and probably always will. I can be the best mother I am capable of and that is all I can do now. The sorrow that my daughter will never know what it was. I worry that they will never know what a true father is.
So I stand here today after most of what I have been thru. The abuse and the lies. Feeling battered and bruised, a little less than worthy but still strong and sane. I have decided that these things took a part of my life. I refuse to let them take the rest. If I can learn from them then I have not failed. I will continue and when I do share my life with someone. He will be strong and worthy of my love. The issues I have are not the definition of me but they have shaped who I am. And in all the heartache and lonliness there is the knowledge that it will not always be this way. There is more to life than heartache.
I know I have glossed over things or this would be a huge book. I will answer any questions anyone has. This is therapudic for me and if it helps anyone than I am glad of it. -Please feel free to comment if you so desire.
Re: This is my story..........take care with it. flyaway: Awwwww, hun. Big hugs for you! I gotta run here and do some work, but look for more of a response later today! :)
Love, flyaway
Re: This is my story..........take care with it. timetobefree: Cherry, the strength and determination you have shown just to go forward is amazing. You have my utmost respect.
Amy
Re: This is my story..........take care with it. WinterFell: I have no questions....only this. Every choice you make now going forward you're making as an adult in charge of 2 children. You have the ability to make GOOD choices, GOOD decisions. Therapy was a good decision and choice.
Your past is horrible. Truley a nightmare beyond what anyone should go through. I sat reading every word and felt your pain. I also though hope you see your future. To try and break the pattern that you have created of believing you deserve to be treated like crap. You are a very very intelligent woman who seems capable of creating the tools to give your children the life you never had.
Dating right now I don't think should be an option. You're not in a place where you love yourself enough, so you'll keep attracting people who feed off insecurity and weakness. Keep going to the therapy, join groups in your area, and keep meeting real people. Ojar is wonderful, but never lose site that it is virtual and shouldn't replace support in the real world.
Hats off to you Cherry...I would never even give that advice if I thought for a second you sounded like you didn't have the strength to do it. You've gone through a lot. Don't let the jerks from your past rule your future.
Thanks for sharing your story.
D
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