Divorce is worse than death... LittleMinnow: Hey everyone,
I wrote this little bit about how I think that divorce is worse than the death of a spouse or fiance in my story "my husband left me on my birthday", and it got a lot of responses, so I thought it might be helpful to some other people.
Let me just preface this with the fact that I've gone through the death of my fiance who was terminally ill and needed a lung transplant. We were only 100 days away from getting new lungs when he was hospitalized. He died six days later. Those were the hardest, must gutwrenching six days of my life, because he was my soulmate. We loved each other wholly and selflessly. In his last hours of life, he wrote me a note. I could not read the handwriting until two days after he died. He said that he would quit if it weren't for me. He was ready for heaven if he needed to be, and I would be part of it when he went. In his last hours, he was more concerned about letting me know that he was okay and that he loved me than anything else in the world. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to 'pull the plug." Anyway, it was the hardest thing I'll ever do in my life watching my angel die, seeing him grow weaker and weaker over the months, see how hard he had to fight just to breathe. I loved him more than I thought was humanly possible. So don't doubt that my heart is beat up, that I mourn and grieve every day (it was 6 years ago).
But divorce is a different hurt. A mean hurt. Here's my thoughts about it.
In many ways, divorce has been harder on me than my fiance dying. Hear me out....
My fiance didn't leave me, abandon me, betray me. He died with love in his heart for me. Right before he died he told me that heaven was wide open spaces, blue skies, horses, dogs, green fields, AND ME IN HIS ARMS FOREVER. (Romantic eh?)
My fiance is gone, but I love him and he loves me.
Break up and divorce is a loss too, but it's a betrayal of love. Full of mean spirited words and feelings, jealousy, ill-intent, betrayal, abandonment, and disrespect. It hurts in a whole different way. A heart shattering way that seems to say, "HA I tricked you! Made you think I loved you, but I really don't." That kind of hurt that makes you feel like a turtle with its belly exposed. The kind of pain that makes you grow a turtle shell over your heart....
Death makes your heart ACHE and throb and cry with sorrow and lonliness and LOVE.
Divorce WRECKS your heart, makes you put barb wire around it to protect it from other people who don't know how fragile a heart is.
Anyway, that's my thought on the pain of divorce/break up. Any takers???
Re: Divorce is worse than death... bluesman: Hey LittleMinnow,
I don't know how to get your quote highlighted, but your words are so right:
Break up and divorce is a loss too, but it's a betrayal of love. Full of mean spirited words and feelings, jealousy, ill-intent, betrayal, abandonment, and disrespect. It hurts in a whole different way. A heart shattering way that seems to say, "HA I tricked you! Made you think I loved you, but I really don't." That kind of hurt that makes you feel like a turtle with its belly exposed. The kind of pain that makes you grow a turtle shell over your heart....
Death makes your heart ACHE and throb and cry with sorrow and lonliness and LOVE.
Divorce WRECKS your heart, makes you put barb wire around it to protect it from other people who don't know how fragile a heart is...
I was taking care of my wife for couple years...had to come home to give IV's on lunch hour, take off work for hospital stays / doctor visits and take care of our daughter...we went through the procedure to get approved for liver transplant and were told we would have the "pager" in a couple weeks...
I had to take her to ER room from breathing difficuly and they drained fluids from her lungs...she felt better, told me to go home (her mom was still there)...came back next day and they had the "tube" in her throat...saw her eyes brighten up as I came in and held my hand to her face...then they had to sedate her...she lasted another 6 days...the doctors woke us @ 4:30 in AM and told us what would be happening soon and we had to make decisions...
I finally (about 4 years later) found someone I was so happy with...but when I got dumped for someone else, it hurt worse than having my wife die...I even wanted to ask her (dumper) "if this was somekind of cruel joke"...
you described it perfectly...
Re: Divorce is worse than death... Trying2Hope: Thank you guys for sharing. I have been wondering this for quite some time now. My divorce hurt so bad, I had often thought that it might have been a little less humiliating and I would have a little more of my dignity if she had just passed away. I have been thinking that thought and hating myself for it for a long time. Thank you for justifying what I've been feeling.
I'm sorry for both of your losses. It brightens my heart, though, to know that you both found love and it truly lasted (and will last) even through death.
Divorce has made me feel like a laughingstock, a loser, a rejected piece of crap.
I guess that's what's missing in a relationship that ends in death ... rejection. You know that no matter what, even when faced with death, that you did the best you could and you weren't rejected.
Once again, thanks for sharing.
Re: Divorce is worse than death... Rotteninphoenix: i have often wondered this also... i would imagine if she died all of a sudden in a car accident, knowing she loved me. I strongly believe i would be able to haddle it better... Man that sounds horrible but it is the truth. Or if some one hurt her in any way i would have given my life to get revenge for her sake. i wanted to be her knight in shinning armor, not her fool who got played. Maybe that is why my favorite movie is BraveHeart, a story of a man who goes to death seeking revenge for his wifes death....
Knowing she cheated, tricked, and ruined my life is killing me emotionaly....
i am also sorry for both of your losess,
Re: Divorce is worse than death... hudson: [quote author=Batman link=topic=24514.msg230305#msg230305 date=1138077255">
Divorce has made me feel like a laughingstock, a loser, a rejected piece of crap.
I guess that's what's missing in a relationship that ends in death ... rejection. You know that no matter what, even when faced with death, that you did the best you could and you weren't rejected.
[/quote">
I'd say that explains it quite well. In addition, death is a natural act, we all have to face the realities of death at sometime in our lives. But with divorce, everything about it feels unnatural and wrong. Divorce is the unnatural cessation of something that should culminate in death. Divorce creates an incredible inbalance in so many aspects of our lives so every aspect of our lives needs to be examined in order to get it back into balance. Divorce=chaos.
My two cents.
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